Good Morning to Those Suffering Presenteeism,
It seems I’m always the one who delivers bad news about inane, lecherous, and/or moronic behavior but after careful evaluation; one of our own is in desperate need of an intervention. I take these confrontational events seriously and will move in only when there’s no doubt or question such action is necessary.
I hesitate to mention his name given the sensitive nature of this intervention, but given he’s never shy about sharing his personal life with anyone trapped next to him at the bar; we’ll be talking about Cush and his addiction to pleasuring himself in public. Look if this was a one-off event who of us could cast the first stone? But Cush has been seen with tubes of Vaseline and handy wipes falling from his beloved ”Teamster” jacket.
Clearly, this is a red flag!
Cush will tell you himself that marital bliss and the blessings that go with it have set sail many moons ago. I can understand his need to feed the libido with hair on the palms activities, but damn it man, do it in the shower or somewhere allowing two minutes of privacy!
According to a reasonably reliable source, Cush has been seen appendage in hand at the vestibule of Park Meadows Apple store. A day later, Cush was arrested for using the Principal’s office at Bingham’s Prep School for boys. The charges were dropped but he had to pay for cleanup as everything was coated with Vaseline. Even after the close call with police, he couldn’t stop himself from spreading ‘Ick’ on the Campbell’s Soup display at the local Safeway store.
I met with Cush’s two sons and even his bride has agreed to pull this off (excuse the pun) and force him to be perverted in his own home. In addition to his immediate family, Duncan has agreed to come by and be the weight holding him down while Jimbo the head bartender at Maggot’s reads passages from ‘Leaves of Grass’ until he breaks down in tears promising never to ‘crank it’ in public again.
I realize it sounds harsh but administering “tough love” is always delivered like a bat to the head in order to associate pain with his despicable acts. This will hurt me more than it will hurt Cush but a true friend will ‘gird up his/her loins’ and do what’s necessary.
As the two or three of you still reading this ‘Baffle Box’ already know; the flatulent dog, only stinks a short while as the air gradually returns to its natural radioactive state. Like Phoenix rising from the ashes Cush will once again annoy us the old-fashioned way, “Death by Conversation” can I have an amen?!