Good Morning Patrons of “Tidy Bowl”
Aftermath, consequences, wallop, impact, upshot, offspring, wake, fallout, all describe the ultimate reaction to an event or action taken. “For every action, there is a reaction.” I’m not sure who said it but it’s become an axiom of sorts.
I open today’s posting with the above primarily to set the tone for what I’m about to unfold. It saddens me that I should bear the mantle of educible iterations of an obviously disturbed person. A smarter man than me once said, “No man was ever so much deceived by another as by himself.” Sadly I must report that one of our own has succumbed to this level of depravity.
Before I begin in earnest I’d like to point out the many years of service our good friend Joe has proffered on behalf of this our humble forum. His stature is legendary but hardly epic. He has personally assisted in countless acts of futility (including his push to open a bar) never seeking compensation or even thanks. Joe is first to rush away from danger, first to throw water on a grease fire, and first to leave the building as it burns to the ground. You can’t buy that kind of loyalty, nor should you, but just the same he’s in a class unto himself!
I know what you’re thinking. “Zuki, why would you heap such praise on Joe only to turn around and denigrate him?” I’m hip. Please don’t think I enjoy exposing my good friends to ridicule because I don’t. But when egregious behavior crosses the line, as it often does, I’m bound by our by-laws to reveal it without prejudice.
For the two or three of you still reading this palingenesis you can be certain justice will be administered by lethal injection. Not literally rather metaphorically. This infusion of righteous indignation will hopefully bring our associate to an about-face.
We can no longer tolerate continued skidding leaving the mess for someone else to “Borax” away. While our troubled friend has been pampered and spoiled it’s imperative this shunning is taken seriously.
I got a call from Dr. Slimsy who heads Orthopedic Surgery at Swedish Hospital. He explained that our good friend had spine surgery less than 24 hours ago. At long last Joe has a spine! Unfortunately, he used his newly found posture to wander away. I thanked the good doctor and had a gut feeling as to where our ‘rules committee’ member was hiding out.
I got in the car and headed west. 15 minutes later I pulled in front of Maggots. Wristband still in place with his ass hanging out of his gown he began goose-stepping to the Elvis tune “Burning Love.”
Joe lit from patron to patron displaying the freshly stapled scar. The manager saw me and immediately rushed toward me begging me to get him out as customers were leaving in droves. I know for a fact our associate can be dangerous when confronted, not to mention defecating on the floor, so I called for reinforcements.
Having driven out the last of the stunned patrons, the attendants from our local ‘Cotton Box’ finally arrived with a dart gun and straight jacket.
I followed the ambulance back to the ‘Box’ and happy to announce he’s resting comfortably under the fog of Thorazine. Officially under ‘observation’ for the next ten days, I’ll update you when I know his condition.