“ABE SAID GOD YOU MUST BE PUTTIN’ ME ON”…….zuki wants to believe but..

Good Morning Ebullient Ones,

Welcome to the end of the week! I realize some of you don’t start your weekends until Sunday, but since you’ve got your own hell to deal with, we’ll cut you some slack.

Mark Twain once said, “You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say we are the ones that need help?”

For you Bible thumpers turn to Genesis 21:1-3 then continue reading. Evidently, God was concerned about Abraham being a team player that would blindly obey him. So in God’s infinite wisdom he/she visited Abe and instructed him to kill his only son; sacrificing him to the God of Jehovah! All of this to simply prove his willingness to bow to God’s will.

As you might imagine, this came out of left field, sending our boy reeling. You see Isaac was born to Abe and Sarah very late in their lives. For the most part, Sarah was considered barren incapable of having children so Isaac was very precious to his parents and considered a miracle.

Now God must have known this. You can take it any way that makes sense to you, but if true, God must be the greatest practical joker this side of Kolob!

Abe not wanting to piss God off, reluctantly built an altar where Isaac seemed to go along because he willingly laid on it for precise measurements. When it was time for the killin’, Abe slowly raised his knife ready to deliver the death blow, when just as he began forward; God reached down and stopped Abe from the final act!

What you don’t read in Genesis was the brief moment of clarity just when Abe realized he’d been had. God pointed his finger at Abe saying “Gotch-ya” you S.O.B. “Gotch-ya”….. then he slowly transitioned skyward laughing and slapping his robe.

It’s easy to understand why Abe was highly agitated while poor Sarah was inconsolable. This was followed by euphoria at God’s “Just kidding” remarks thinking it hilarious, leaving both of them exhausted by the experience.

Representing Agnostics everywhere this biblical accounting of God’s practical joke is one of many fairytales i.e., Jonah and the whale, Noah, Pillar of Salt, Adam & Eve, Manna, 7 Plagues, Parting of the Red Sea, and Jericho make being a believer difficult at best. Why don’t the two or three of us the ‘unwashed’ ever see burning bushes that speak? It seems God has seen fit to turn over a new leaf and keep the parlor tricks locked away from us..

Like I keep saying…. A Powerball win would put me directly back into the fold. Can I have an amen!?