Good Morning Apostles of Happenstance, (2012)
Sunday was a beautiful morning. The air was filled with the sweet aroma of fresh dog shit mingled with just a smidge of stale beer. Not a cloud in the sky and found myself actually excited about stepping foot into a house of worship. You’re probably saying to yourself, “zuki in church? The end must be near!” I’m hip.
Leaving my fortunes to chance has not been working out. Powerball has yet to yield a Nickle and is vital to my retirement plans so I humbled myself to ask God about throwing me a bone.
I arrived a few minutes late but found a seat at the back of a large auditorium that must seat close to 7,500 souls. The non-denominational Pastor was of the charismatic school of delivery and you could hear a pin drop! Everyone was dialed into the holy man’s words.
It was pretty much as I expected. Stained glass, beautiful architecture and gardens filled with people seeking forgiveness. There was a lot of competition so I was prepared for sackcloth and ashes.
He focused on ‘The Apostles’ Creed.’ Evidently put together around 100 AD, the creed expressed exactly what a Christian believes. His well-rehearsed words riveted my attention to the stage as he went through it line by line. Then he said something that snapped me out of it. At first, I couldn’t fathom what I heard. I thought the good Pastor mentioned “Lebowski” more than once, but refused to allow this blasphemy to enter my head, so I leaned in closer to see if he’d say it again. He did.
In fact, he emphasized much of the script almost verbatim! I initially didn’t notice, but everyone was given a handout with the Creed printed in calligraphy styling as if it was from Guttenberg’s Bible.
“…say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.” I had no idea the cult movement inspired by the film had worked its way into mainstream Christian doctrine! I guess I’ve been living in a cave and pardon my ignorance, but when did this happen?
I’m sure those of you that embrace Christianity could provide us with a timeline as well as the leadership group adopting the re-wording of this important statement of faith. I’ve always maintained that my responsibility to the two or three of you still reading this hegemony trumps moral idioms, not to document the inane, rather simply to pass along breaking news! As a service to the two or three of you reading this epistle the following is your copy of ‘The New Apostles’ Creed:
I believe in Lebowski, Mother of Frogs,
The maker of suspicious frozen drinks that embody
Heaven and earth, and in ‘The Jesus’ his nemesis
through Immaculate conception; born to a hooker on 44th Ave.
He suffered under the yoke of persecution while watching
planes crash into the mountain.
Was crucified by Jackie Treehorn and was dead. He arose
on the third day relieved it was just a dream.
I believe ‘Dude’ was guided to Maude destined to beget
The chosen one, from thence shall judge the living and the dead.
I believe in White Russians.
My friends I know we’ve had a lot of good-natured debate as to the relevancy of ‘The Big Lebowski’ and don’t wish to diminish the fine points so eloquently presented by JOE, but given the “new shit that has come to light” it should be clear to all that one’s very salvation depends on adopting the New Apostles’ Creed!
I think we “can close the file on this one.”