Good Morning Stalwarts of Gut, (2009)
I thought it fair that the two or three of you reading this besmirching know about the “Lebowski test.” Most of you would be shocked to know that at times I can over-state things, even distort the truth. While it’s rare anyone gets hurt by my misrepresentations but this time there was collateral damage. Digging through rubble and stagnate water, you’ve probably guessed by now that I’m referring to me.
I know there are some that take pleasure in my misery, (you know who you are) but I implore you to show compassion to this old fart and empathize with the tearing out of my heart. Who has not experienced this deep-seated pain? Outside of Murphy who has no heart, most people at some point will go out on a limb and take a chance to be emotionally available then summarily crushed! This walk across the floor to ask Suzie to dance resulting in a kick to the groin stung as much as the last time I ventured in. It’s always painful.
This business of re-loading one’s life to include a partner is a serious one. Those of us that have experienced the anguish of divorce or the end of a long-time relationship is careful to ensure it never happens again. This realization is nature’s self-protection mechanism and always kicks in immediately. Only time can heal the gaping holes from such a thrashing and as nature takes its course we allow ourselves to again consider taking someone into our lives.
However, after 60 some rotations we’ve learned a few lessons and no longer jump into the pants of a would-be love without first looking. Okay, I’ll give you the occasional dalliance, but the older we get the rules of engagement dictate we proceed guardedly.
I contrived this test of compatibility based on my unyielding opinion that Joel and Ethan Coen’s “The Big Lebowski” is the all-time greatest screenplay of my generation! Of course, this is subjective, and I suppose in a detached sort of way I can identify with the storyline and characters, but most importantly it serves as a litmus test for potential life partners.
Since 1998 when The “Stranger” introduced us to the “Dude” the movie polarized most general audiences into yes or no camps. Either one felt as I did or absolutely hated it. With the exception of Cush…, I’ve never met anyone that was indifferent. The idea is for me to suggest a ‘movie night’ where she makes dinner and I furnish the wine and accoutrements. After a nice meal, more wine, and a couple long tokes we settle on the couch and watch the movie.
Unbeknownst to her, I’m calculating her reaction to key parts of the movie to see if she ‘gets it.’ I look for giggles or a laugh out loud as positive signs. If she doesn’t laugh, is texting non-stop, or diddles around in the kitchen I’m pretty sure the continuance of our mutual exploration is over. Should she ‘get it’ and think the movie is as brilliant as I do then we roll to the next level. This has saved me from wasting time and resources’ on women destined to break my heart.
I don’t know if it was gas or if she just couldn’t grasp the subtleties throughout my beloved movie, but Becky never lost the pained expression on her face. I was saddened because I just KNEW she’d love it. Not only didn’t she love it, she came right out and said, “That was the most ridiculous movie I’ve ever seen!” You may as well stab me through the heart with a ‘pointy-stick’ as say that to me. I grabbed my jacket, thanked her for the meal, and left without as much as a peck on the cheek.
I really wanted Becky to be my next leap of faith, but if she felt that strongly about Lebowski it wouldn’t have worked out anyways. I shed a few tears because it hurt, but please note the pain was short-lived limited to a flesh wound rather than the always ready knee to the groin.