Good Morning Believers of Sinecurism,
Not to sound like an egalitarian buffoon, but in spite of horrific fires in the west, continuous bouts with terrorism, fat Kim Jong-un firing missiles, ‘Harvey’ and ‘Irma’, it’s been amazing to witness the level of humanitarian acts and selfless deeds performed by average Americans.
Not all of us had a boat to lend but the money sent to relief agencies is stupefying. Donations, even in small amounts, added up and currently stand around $15 billion! It sounds like a lot doesn’t it? Yet experts are saying that will be spent in 30 days or less!
There is a staggering $865 billion sitting in private foundations in the U.S. today and, given the tragic and historic loss of lives, homes, and businesses in Florida, Texas, Louisiana, and elsewhere, it’s now more important than ever to deploy philanthropic dollars.
As the two or three of you still reading this gelatinous gob of goo can attest, the gruesome images of the destruction and carnage wrought by the hurricanes affected me deeply. While not under the same circumstances, I know what it’s like to be homeless without basic needs such as food and water let alone electricity. I had to do something and immediately thought of my regular watering hole “The Maggot.”
I know the “regulars” (which by-the-way is a euphemism for drunks) to be generous folks that quite often take care of each other. It’s not unusual to see crock pots filled with all manner food or see a couple of pizzas for all to share. So even though most would be considered to have modest incomes I knew they’d find a way.
They didn’t let me down.
I’ve spent all week lobbying for this important cause and would like to share a few of the more inventive contributions. These people would be reluctant to toot their own horn, well, a few would but most wouldn’t so I’ll do it for them:
Jimbo – Head Bartender – Has a unique collection of used condoms with creative ribbing and colors! His wife has been after him to dispose of the 350 used skins. So he put it up on Craig’s List and was offered $500 for his beloved collection. He even tossed in his ‘Wingtips’ and bottle of Jade East cologne adding another $18.50!
CUSH – Wannabe Teamster – Has availed himself to the cause by his ‘For Hire’ services. So far the most popular service has been his “Death by Conversation” service at $500.00 a pop. This service provides a way to get rid of the putz in the next cubicle or perhaps an annoying neighbor. It can never be traced because death is by suicide. Cush will accidentally show up at the barstool next to the target and engage them in conversation. After only one hour of Cush’s stream of conscious inane banter, the target will eat a bullet rather than continue! Pretty sweet eh?
Brent the Painter – Has offered to donate his power washer to scrub off the parasites continually found at ‘The Maggot.’ There’s the dullard that introduces himself as ‘The Dude,’ Drunken Clancy, the greasy fat guy, ‘Horse Laugh Lucy,’ and our resident “Cliff Claven’s” to name a few. Brent is asking $100 per idiot and has raised $500.00 so far….and proud we are of him.
There are many more examples I could point to, but suffice it to say our collective effort has raised over $4,000.00! Excuse me a second… I got all verklempt…sniff….sniff but given the fabulous effort put forth…there are no words…