HOPE OVERCOMES REASON, AGAIN!……zuki keeps the horror inside

Good Morning Ululaters,

My sympathies for the two or three of you skimming this stain on your way to a double cappuccino, but get comfortable. I know that sounds a bit condescending but honestly, the truth is the truth!

Even in the midst of a torpedo attack, sometimes sheer lucidity supersedes panic to deliver the inevitable! Sadly though, we continue to buy lotto tickets. Hope is such an elixir that those that have figured a way to bottle it have become wealthy. The problem is and will continue to be that it’s impossible to predict with any certainty when the inevitable will materialize!

This fact was irrevocably etched into my brain as I watched two people implode; each contributing their unique brand of stupidity. It was sort of like watching “Dumb and Dumber” only more bizarre than funny.

I’m spending way too much time at the bar—as these events all seem to involve alcohol and defy logic. I used to be able to find idiocy in other places, but of late I rarely go other places. So in the tradition of this forum, I report objectively….most times.

I hesitate to use their names as it may cause undue suffering to their respective families, but the story must be told:

Last Saturday I came into the ‘Maggot’ about sunset having just finished a golf tournament. I was exhausted given the drinking start time, accouterments suitable for the occasion, and 18 holes in the mid-day sun. I was baked and intended only to say hello and have a cold one. Sipping a cold Coor’s I found a seat at the end of the bar.

Being dehydrated I downed the first beer almost immediately and began working on a second when I heard vulgar shrieking and angry swearing. The hissing and cursing were mixed with raucous laughter. I looked down the other end of the bar to see one of our own tied at the wrist with an evil looking woman I’d never seen before. They were contained in a 10-foot area created by the crowd that circled them. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing!

With left wrists tied to each other and the right hand used to hold a 16 oz glass of beer, they spun each other around screaming brutal insults! It was organized such that they took turns in delivering their personal defilements to either annoy or please the blood thirsty patrons.

The idea is to cause the other to spill beer and suffer extreme humiliation! The crowd participated by rooting for their favorite and fist-bump each other when it was obvious one of the combatants delivered a ‘zinger’ to the other. The way I understood this goofy contest is one could either tap out and untie themselves leaving immediately running the gauntlet of jeers toward the exit, spill one’s beer, or by crying which is an automatic disqualification. The contest continues until one or all of the above happen.

At one point the viciousness of this match of wits came to a head when the evil woman hocked a loogie in the eye of our curmudgeon associate! Without a free hand, our good friend had no way to relieve the stinging pain and endured the slimy ooze crawl down his face. Our boy used part of his beer to rinse his eye driving the crowd crazy further urging the evil woman on.

While his head was tilted up his good eye shut, she didn’t hesitate and kicked him squarely in the nards dropping him to his knees! In addition to spilling the rest of his beer he began crying; so it was over. I felt his shame and my heart was broken to see one of our own limp out the door amidst ignominious scorn. I’d be surprised if we ever see him again.

Like in nature, these contests rarely end up in death but do allow the strongest individual to breed and insert themselves in conversations. Unfortunately, the evil woman feels at home at Maggot’s and none of the curmudgeons will take her on.

I’m going to call for an emergency session of the “Dwarf Tossing” committee to assess the damage and recommend actions to significantly reduce this intruder’s visit to our bar. Stay tuned.