Good Morning Clingers of Fete,

Not only are weddings old traditions going back thousands of year’s representative of the pomp and pageantry of losing one’s virginity and vows of monogamy, but now in recent years they’ve become synonymous with disaster. 

Not tsunamis or earthquakes mind you rather something along the lines of finding a turd in the punch bowl!  It was the later that intrigued me the most.  There were elements that had the potential for serious drama but other than snapping the diving board in two and swimming naked in Mom-in-law’s pool, there was very little to point to during the crapulous aftermath. 

Not staying long enough to witness the bawdy dive for panties, it’s really all hearsay, but was confirmed by a reasonably reliable source.  Besides, the fractured diving board is damn strong circumstantial evidence. 

The solemnity of the wedding ceremony was what one would expect, and I welled up when young Andrew spoke from his heart.  But true to young Andrew’s character he and his bride gave the guests reason to pause during the “you may now kiss the bride” portion.  The simple kiss quickly escalated to groping and dry-humping nearly causing the old minister to lose his footing.  I came ‘this close’ to yelling out ‘get a room’ but thankfully they managed to break the suction and disengage.  Having said this though, I suspect this display of heavy petting set the mood for the subsequent reception and swim party.

Our hostess Mrs. Phipps (that’s right the bride only had to add a syllable) thought of EVERYTHING!  She set up a “Smoking Lounge” where I was able to go and drink freely and facilitated my meeting the bride’s brother Levi and his friends.  Most notable was a tatted Chad who obviously enjoys the shaved head pirate look that always intimidates me.  That said, he and Levi turned out to be two of the more affable and charming of the mostly 25 – 35-year-old guests.   

Sensing I could take it, Chad began to tease me over my ratty sneakers purchased from Walmart some 6 years ago.  Within minutes the dozen or so young people in the makeshift ‘man-cave’ piled on suggesting my shoes were in bad form.

I held my own during the debate, but I’m buying a new pair.

Over the years I’ve been to many weddings some of which also turned a bit rowdy, but this one is right up there with a ‘Greek’ wedding in which I nailed the maid of honor while in a plane flown by my good ‘late’ friend Bill.  However, before we could land she puked herself unconscious.  That also was one hell of a party.

The soiree was fabulous, and seriously doubt I’ll experience anything remotely close to it given the remaining sand left in my hour-glass, but was most grateful young Andrew offered me the invitation.  I wish him and his beautiful bride a life free of unpleasantness and all flatulence smelling of lavender.