Good Morning Perforated Bowels,
Sitting on the ripped seats at the ‘Maggot’ I was surprised (as I always am) when a beautiful woman sat next to me immediately turning in my direction. I looked at her and let out a nervous laugh and said, “What?” “Go ahead Marzuki pull my finger” she insisted. “How did you know my Malaysian name?” I shot back. She smiled and said there were many things of this world I didn’t know or could explain.
Then things got real weird. “Did you have a vision recently?” she queried. My jaw nearly hit the floor. I’d hadn’t mentioned this to anyone yet here was this beautiful woman asking me to pull her finger, the very words uttered to me by the late Elizabeth Montgomery (Bewitched) in the middle of my back swing!
Her forefinger still extended towards me, she smiled and gave me that pouting look that women do so very well, and asked me once again to give her finger a tug. Given how this enigmatic message was delivered, I once again became nervous and fearful of complying with her wishes. I needed to take more control of this situation and asked her for her name stalling for time.
“Call me Sam” she said, and took another drink; her eyes never breaking contact with mine. “Well Sam, it’s a pleasure to meet you” and extended my hand to complete the formal introduction, and again she responded by poking my chest with her index finger repeating the refrain. This time though she leaned over and began munching on my ear, whispering how I’d be rewarded if I would simply grant her request. She again offered her finger to me.
She never blinked that I could recall, but it didn’t matter as I was quickly becoming aroused. The more provocative she became the weaker my resolve and was actually entertaining the idea of granting her wish. “What’s the worst that can happen?” I thought, mesmerized by her long red fingernails. I’ve always had a weakness for long fingernails, especially when used to scratch my back and/or neck.
My thoughts must have betrayed me. She lifted her hand from her Whiskey Sour and began using her fingernails on my neck. I melted. Her eyes still fixed on mine; she knew it wouldn’t be long.
Pressing closer to me, her breasts flattened against my chest promising a night filled with unbridled lust! But every time I mentioned going back to my place, she’d lick her lips and ‘give me the finger’….. to pull. For the two or three of you still reading this ‘Pearl Necklace’ I had raised a significant pants tent and could feel the first signs of blue-balls lurking–so lust finally overcame fear; I pulled her finger.
It was like having 250 volts coursing through you! I was convulsing with involuntary spasms. My eyes rolled back in their sockets so I was in another dream-like state that turned my surroundings into slow motion clearly seeing everything around me. Sam was laughing as I still gripped her finger unable to release it. She then lifted up one cheek of her gorgeous ass and farted thinking it hilarious! I had no control over anything let alone my bowels, and also became flatulent. Was I mistaken? “Was I farting in two-part harmony with Sam’s squeezed out notes?”
Still clinging to her finger the two of us were as one. I recognized the tune, but couldn’t name it. Both of us were now standing face to face with a continuing supply of gas and trumpeted out “Happy days are here again”, the old Democratic political ditty. It seemed to go on for hours.
Sam continued to laugh in mocking tones but eventually released me from her finger. She walked out of the ‘Maggot’ still laughing, leaving me at the bar with my sphincter in painful irritation.
I really hadn’t noticed the other patrons at the bar. Jimbo, Shelly, Nancy, and even the mutton-head Brent were all staring at me in awe. One by one, each began to clap in approval of what they’d just heard, and eventually built into a standing ovation. Nobody had ever heard such melodious sounds from this source before and God bless em they showed their appreciation.
I thanked everyone and sat back down to finish my drink. I immediately realized I had another problem. I paid my tab and quickly got to my car. As soon as I shut the door, the problem fouled the air in the confined space.
My windows open, I made my way home and proceeded to burn my clothes. Jeez.