Good Morning Victims of Circumstance,

Just when I think I’ve heard everything, human kind offers up another story of bewilderment. Shoving a man off a bridge while threatening suicide is something I personally applauded. PETA’s efforts to raise our impressionable children to recognize fish as ‘Sea Kittens, make me sick. Bowdlerizing this forum to accommodate the cretins at Google is, of course, unacceptable and can take their money and shove it up their collective bowels!

Suicide has been discussed on more than one occasion on this forum, and was reluctant to bring up yet one more account of a self-inflicted snuffing, but felt obligated to share this with the two or three of you still reading this chaptalized swill. It seems a woman in Miami chose to set herself ablaze in a shopping mall.

Generally, I’m in favor of suicide as it eliminates those impuissant souls unable to cope with their lives. This, of course, reduces the financial burden on the rest of us by removing these people from tax funded state and federal “Poor Me” programs.

What puzzles me though, are how these people choose to leap off this rock. A bullet to the head, drug overdose, driving into an abutment, carbon monoxide, or the ever popular autoerotic asphyxiation, seem to me a painless way to exit.

How does one get to the point where dousing themselves in gasoline and lighting a match is preferable to one of the above? Never mind the article itself was written by a third grader and picked up by the Associated Press; it offered no insight as to motive or other details that could justify her decision. This is frustrating and forces the reader to speculate. So as a courtesy, I proffer this explanation.

Gladys woke up like any other morning, sipping a cup of coffee getting ready for work, and turned on her computer. Putting the final touches on her hair and humming a tune from Bruce Springsteen, she sat in front of her computer to catch up on email. She immediately noticed a message from her boss. In a total act of cowardice, the boss told her not to show up for work as she had been sacked. Obviously, Gladys was stunned. She’d just taken on the debt of a new condo and car and had few prospects of finding work. She began to cry.

She flung herself on the bed and sobbed hysterically, barely able to breathe. She wept for hours until emotionally drained. Finally getting off the bed she gained her composure and washed her face with cold water. She put on her jogging outfit thinking a good run would help her think.

A mile into her run she decided to take a different way through a nature area just to change things up. However, there were no path markers so she weaved in and around the Prairie Dog mounds carving out her own path. Enjoying the bobbing and weaving, feeling empowered by her trailblazing she couldn’t have realized things were about to get worse.

She didn’t notice at first but began to feel stinging pains all over her body. She had crushed a Yellow Jacket’s nest and the angry insects were exacting their revenge. Gladys began to panic then remembered there was a pond behind her maybe 50 yards and hauled ass. On a dead run, she launched herself headfirst into the water.

There was no time to study the depth or condition of the pond prior to leaping and didn’t see the large rock just below the surface smashing her face splitting her nose wide open. Nearly knocked cold she held the severed flesh together with her left hand staggering back to the main path only to be attacked by a roaming pack of dogs tearing at her bloody flesh and then left her for dead!

This had not been a good morning.

Holding her wound limping along the path her faltering gate made her appear drunk so her bloody face only served to scare away would-be rescuers. Desperate for help she reached out to everyone that passed only to see them recoil sidestepping around her. Shock was setting in making it difficult to know exactly where she was but finally found the street that would lead back to her apartment.

She needed to cross the street and took one step and immediately hit by a city bus tossing her back 15 feet onto the sidewalk. It was a glancing blow leaving her alive, but unable to stand. Backing up, the driver pulled alongside. Concerned only with his job he asked, “Are you alright miss?” “DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M ALRIGHT?” she screamed, “PLEASE HELP ME!” With the driver’s aid, she crawled on the bus and asked if he’d drop her at the next gas station. “Are you sure you don’t want medical attention?” the driver asked. In a cold deliberate voice she replied, “No, just drop me at the first gas station you see.”

Filling a two-gallon container provided by the filling station she hailed Uber to drive her to the mall. The rest, as they say, is history.