DUNCAN TAKES ADVANTAGE OF SPINNER……zuki shocked by whole affair

woman-trampoline-parkGood Morning Suffering Nematodes,

Have the two or three of you reading this mangled stretch of highway noticed something different about our friend Duncan? For those of you that see him on a regular basis (no doubt at the bar), it should be obvious to everyone that not only is he losing what’s left of his mind, he’s suffering emotionally as well.

Yesterday after I slapped him around for his jukebox selections, I saw him do something I thought not remotely possible. His chin began to quiver, and yes this is true; I saw tears form and puddle up in his eyes and overflow onto and over his massive jowls. The rivulet of tears affected by gravity continued their route finding the cleft in his chin finally cascading into his 16 oz beer. He literally was shedding tears in his beer! He tried to hide this emotional outpouring, but to his chagrin, it only worsened.

Being a friend of his, I was utterly shocked by this as it’s never happened before. I immediately thought it was because I humiliated him in front of Nancy but he denied that. He was now sobbing uncontrollably so I asked him what was wrong offering to help if it was within my power.

Grabbing his beer he turned away from me and told me to mind my own business. This is just not like our good friend who normally causes others to cry or worse; so I was concerned. I asked him once more if he wanted to talk about it and again he told me to go away.

Somebody must know something so I began the interview process at the bar hoping to shed some light on Duncan’s bizarre behavior. Sure enough one of our own was able to provide a little truth and light.

As is the policy of this forum I will not reveal the source of my information but suffice it to say I consider this person above capriciousness incapable of being ambidextrous on anything! Plus our boy literally confessed all just minutes before my entry so the story I’m about to unfold is true. If you’ve got a reason to believe otherwise, you know the drill.

It seems our good friend has been having an extramarital affair. While I’ve never known this salt-lick to stray before, somehow it didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me though, that there is a woman who found his rendition of Frank Sinatra’s “my way,” and his boundless history of ‘beer’ fascinating! That all by itself should be noted as macabre.

Not just in this forum either. Those of you that patronize The Maggot would be shocked to know the identity of this woman as I was. Obviously, she is enamored with his girth and personality which in my book makes the case for internment.

Although it’s a sweet notion in a romantic sort of way, in a clinical sense the whole thing is perverse. I promised not to divulge her identity, but physically speaking she’d be the antithesis of our Duncan. Alcohol does indeed create strange bedfellows and I’d like to believe this was only a one-time event but sadly he’s kept this from us for over a year.

Outside of being Sinatra fans the attraction between them is based on rough sex. I’m not talking about an occasional slap on the ass either! SMALL CHILDREN SHOULD LOG OFF IMMEDIATELY!!

This petite woman enjoys the thrill of bouncing up and down on Duncan’s belly like a trampoline. This action serves two important functions. First, after she orbits his body enough times to get him partially aroused, she has him lay flat on his back.

She then proceeds to jump up and down creating a pump-like action that inflates his partially elevated ‘Johnson’ to a fully engorged state seeking the ultimate release! As odd as it sounds it’s nothing in comparison to the second function. Continuing this rhythm she’s able to get enough air that she begins a sick countdown each time her feet meets his skin; 5…4…3…2…1… and impales herself on his little friend screaming obscenities in her delirious pleasure. On occasion, these piercing cries of licentiousness have caused them more than a few embarrassing moments.

Sadly for our good friend Duncan, this woman was committed to a cotton box for psychiatric observation after defecating on a flight attendant’s serving tray. The story goes that she kept running into the bathroom full speed trying to get off while on a flight back to Denver. She had to be physically restrained.

When she was allowed to relieve herself she bypassed the latrine and headed straight for the cart and unloaded directly on the bag of ice. I don’t want to be over dramatic here, but it was an ugly mess as you can imagine.

As I understand it the prognosis isn’t good, and our fellow curmudgeon has lost his lover and Karaoke partner. When you see him, please let him know how bad we feel and will keep an eye out for a replacement. God help us.