airport hellGood Morning Soldiers of Pithy,

Just a quick word of advice to you rookie travelers; DON’T STAND THERE TALKING TO YOUR SISTER BLOCKING THE NARROW PATH AROUND YOU WHILE ON THE “MOVING WALKWAY” *%@!!# Morons! The key word here is ‘WALK.’ If you’ve no desire to move faster than that, go have a seat and give us all break! If you insist on blocking everyone else, then I don’t want to hear a word out of you when I run over your damn briefcase. Hey, Copernicus, the idea behind a walkway is to facilitate movement, not a handicap zone!! You people are Assholes!

I’m sorry, but I feel much better now. It’s things like the above that have contributed to the pain in the ass traveling has become. Everyone thinks their ticket makes them more important than everyone else entitling them to special privileges just because they’re from Gundy, IN and have been up since 3:30 AM. Boo fucking hoo! Get in line like the rest of us and shut the hell up! I don’t want to be harsh, but jeez-Louise people become such idiots at an airport void of all common sense! What is it about air travel that suppresses cognitive reasoning? It’s truly baffling.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll no doubt say it again; small children should be bussed and never given space on a commercial flight! Lord knows curmudgeons have few rotations left and shouldn’t be subjected to screaming children without recourse. Personal space is sacred, but few air travelers understand this!

It starts in the security line. You’re not going to get through any faster by standing close enough to count my neck hair! The proper personal space while in security is an arm’s length. I’ve actually had to verbally inform a nitwit to back off and deliver my most threatening look to get the pinhead to honor my personal space!

I didn’t mean to go on about how miserable air travel is because it sure beats a 2000 mile car ride! However, I felt compelled to make the two or three of you reading this flop sweat aware there is an unspoken code of behavior experienced traveler’s exhibit. In a crisis of weather or mechanical delays show a little patience.

Be stoic. The ticket agents show a great deal of restraint given the mooncalf’s who think their particular situation is worse than yours. If you turn into a badgering idiot making demands and threatening to have an agent fired, they will do everything in their power to further delay you. Conversely, I’ve been upgraded to first class several times for just being affable and patient during crisis mode.

It’s understandable one’s need to be catered to give $400 to $1,000 ticket prices, but unfortunately unless placed “in the front row,” we’re packed into economy in seats designed for supermodels with 200 other bodies headed to the same place. This, of course, muddies the water in regard to being pampered.

There’s nothing like being hit in the face with a buffoon’s backpack two or three times while they get settled. Take the damn backpack off and hold it in front of you while walking down the 30” isle! The next time I get whacked in the head I will embarrass and humiliate this person in front of the exit row passengers!

Whoever told the goober from Gundy he was attractive in his ‘wife-beater,’ stained shorts and flip-flops should be shot! This softheaded dolt hasn’t bathed in days and it’s not pleasant having his sticky skin continually in contact with your arms and legs. Show some respect for others if not yourself, but unless you’re a Pam Anderson look-alike please bath and wear something that covers your body! Once you check in go ahead and be the imbecile you are. At least the hotel allows your victims a real chance of getting away.

While there are a few more minor rules I could cover but let’s begin with the above. Honestly, if you pay attention to these basic rules of travel, you’ll not only make it more pleasant for others, you may even be rewarded for it.

Oh yeah, one more thing; don’t wear your NASCAR gear!