You’ve all heard the term “faceless crowd” before right? Anonymity, inconspicuousness, invisibility, namelessness, is typically a description left to serial killers and terrorists. However, I’m here to tell you that being indistinctive has its rewards! Billions are spent each year on face-lifts, tummy tucks, and liposuction to help us stand out and perhaps be more attractive. Unfortunately, these efforts can also be botched or worse, disfigured permanently. These tragic results happen just often enough to keep me in glasses and don’t bother; I’ve heard all the arguments.
There was an execrable incident last week involving one of our own. I had just finished a beautiful good-bye speech to Blondie’s departed management and was walking out in a huff when I happened upon Joe in the parking lot. He looked to be disoriented as he walked right by me and the entrance without acknowledging either. Given his new adventure of being a proprietor, his self-medicating has been replaced by a sense of purpose with the occasional pre-roll.
Because of this, our good friend has been engulfed in a walking stupor which has rendered him nearly speechless. Those of you that know our associate will testify speaking is the least of his problems. I continued to watch him walk parallel to the building still searching for the entrance. I called to him but it was clear he was catatonic and non-responsive as he continued around the corner and out of sight. I thought about going after him, but like sleepwalking I’ve heard it’s dangerous to wake someone in that state so I returned to my car.
I pulled out of my slot and slowly made my way to Inca when I heard a horn– then the screeching of braking tires. I turned to look in that direction knowing a crash was imminent. To my abject horror, I saw our good friend Joe hit by a black SUV and dragged 300 feet until the SUV came to a halt. I called 911 and thankfully they got there in less than 3 minutes! Remarkably Joe was still alive. As they loaded him into the ambulance I could see his face laid open looking like raw hamburger! I had to turn away.
You may have heard about this as it made national headlines. Given the facial tissues were so mangled it would be impossible to repair his face in any utilitarian way leaving him looking monstrous and eating through a straw.
The Gods saw fit to smile upon our committee member and he was invited to participate in a new experimental procedure involving a complete face transplant. Today was the long awaited unwrapping of the facial bandages…..
So far his new face hasn’t been rejected by his body; however in an objective observation by Jeanne his favorite bartender, she indicated his new face could not be viewed without heroin and a stiff drink. Joe having been clean and sober for 20 days looked at his new face and began to cry. I’m not sure why, but his face was placed onto his bone structure at an angle leaving his mouth seriously rotated toward the left side almost to his cheek bone!
Feeling sorry for my friend, I had the occasion to visit with Joe and brought him a bottle of Maker’s. He immediately put the bottle to his new lips and began to drink. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he looked as though he was drinking from his ear! I had to excuse myself as I was snickering.
This might sound a bit insensitive, but in this tragedy there appeared a silver lining for those of us that know and appreciate our dear friend. Yes, I tell you it’s true; Joe can no longer speak out of both sides of his mouth!!