ONE OF OUR OWN FACES AN UNCERTAIN TRUTH…..zuki ponders identity theft

Face-transplantGood Morning Victims of Jeremiad,

You’ve all heard the term “faceless crowd” before right?  Anonymity, inconspicuousness, invisibility, namelessness, is typically a description left to serial killers and terrorists.  However, I’m here to tell you that being indistinctive has its rewards!  Billions are spent each year on face-lifts, tummy tucks, and liposuction to help us stand out and perhaps be more attractive.  Unfortunately these efforts can also be botched or worse, disfigured permanently.  These tragic results happen just often enough to keep me in glasses……and don’t bother; I’ve heard all the arguments.

There was an execrable incident last week involving one of our own.  I had just finished a beautiful good-bye speech to Blondie’s management and was walking out when I happened upon ‘Madcow’ in the parking lot.  He looked to be disoriented as he walked right by me and the entrance without acknowledging either.  Given his annual 100 days of sobriety, his self-medicating has been replaced by medical Marijuana.  Because of this our good friend has been engulfed in a Cannabis induced stupor which has rendered him nearly speechless.

Those of you that know our associate will testify speaking is the least of his problems.  I continued to watch him walk parallel to the building still searching for the entrance.  I called to him but it was clear he was catatonic and non-responsive as he continued around the corner and out of sight.  I thought about going after him, but like sleepwalking I’ve heard it’s dangerous to wake someone in that state so I returned to my car.

I pulled out of my slot and slowly made my way to Inca Street when I heard a horn– then the screeching of braking tires.  I turned to look in that direction knowing a crash was imminent. To my abject horror I saw our good friend ‘Madcow’ hit by a black SUV and dragged 300 feet until the SUV came to a halt.  I called 911 and thankfully they got there in less than 3 minutes!  Remarkably ‘Madcow’ was still alive.  As they loaded him in the ambulance I could see his face laid open looking like raw hamburger!  I had to turn away from it.

You may have heard about this as it made national headlines.  Given the facial tissues were so mangled it would be impossible to repair his face in any utilitarian way leaving him looking monstrous and eating through a straw.  The Gods saw fit to smile upon our committee member and he was invited to participate in a new experimental procedure involving a complete face transplant.  Today was the long awaited unwrapping of the facial bandages…..oh my!

So far his new face hasn’t been rejected by his body, however Mary (live in girlfriend) has packed her bags to leave saying she could not live with his new face without heroin, thus solving a five year dilemma.  ‘Madcow’ having been clean and sober for ten days looked at his new face and began to cry.  I’m not sure why, but his face was placed onto his bone structure at an angle leaving his mouth seriously rotated toward the left side almost to his cheek bone!  Feeling sorry for my friend, I had the occasion to visit with Madcow and brought over his medical Mary Jane so he could enjoy a bowl.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him when he inhaled and held in the smoke, it leaked out of his forehead and eyes under the pressure.  I had to excuse myself as I was snickering.

This might sound a bit insensitive, but in this tragedy there appeared a silver lining for those of us that know and appreciate our dear friend.  Yes I tell you its true; ‘Madcow’ can no longer speak out of both sides of his mouth!!