THE CHURCH OF RUTABAGA IS BESMIRCHED……..zuki takes it personally

rutabagaGood Morning Defectors of Faith,

I’ve been reading with mild interest about the turmoil the Church of Scientology has found itself embroiled in.  Senior executives, who work seven days a week, give all their money away, and watch it all go toward buying buildings and opulent life-styles are disillusioned with L Ron’s abortion.  Stories of beatings and threats have leaked and are everywhere on the internet.  For comparison, I looked for Mormon defectors and found even more.  Apostates are always a problem for cults and churches in that high ranking member’s break away telling tales of brutality and wanton abuses of trust.  This, as one might expect, puts the ‘stabbed in the back’ cult on the defensive and the ‘Scientologists’ make no apologies for their aggressive defense.  “It’s not a go-to-church-on- Sunday kind of religion. It’s an intense religion. If people get in your way, they need to be dealt with one way or another.”

As one quickly approaching the first anniversary of a newly found religion, I can appreciate how these centers for spirituality and humility can be hurt by spiteful members bent on revenge.  Clearly these troubled souls through their limited understanding of the ‘higher being’ lash out in ignorance.  These few ingrates make it difficult to recruit those individuals soured by life’s rich pageant and are looking for salvation through vegetables.

In their efforts to right the perceived wrongs they inadvertently trash the vehicle for righteousness for others!  I’m sorry, but these actions are a ONE WAY TICKET TO HELL!  While we’re all free to pursue happiness in our own way, but if one chooses to throw one’s spiritual future in the dumpster, please just do so quietly and leave the key on the counter.  This need to ruin the lives of others is similar to those demented assholes that murder innocent strangers before offing themselves!  Of course it’s criminal and I for one am not going to take apostasy quietly.  To illustrate my point, I’m going to post the very first denouncement of the ‘Church of Rutabaga’ discovered by a simple rutabaga web search.

To put things in their proper context, let me provide a bit of background.  In the 6th month of our existence we’ve recruited 83 people of which 2 are current with their dues.  It’s one of the two dues paying members that have opted to throw the Rutabaga under the bus.  Just JOE is the other dues paying member but uses a barter system for his salvation as opposed to cash.  I have retained JJ’s legal team to go after a former beloved member of the church not only for back dues, but for lost memberships, counseling, and rehabilitation charges as well.  Here’s the letter of resignation complete with lies and innuendo:

Dear Reverend Zuki,

It is with a heavy heart I make the following accusations resulting in my leaving the church and becoming an advocate for the church’s dismantling and hopefully witness your arrest.

At first your webinars and council were answers to prayers but when I was unable to pay dues my access codes were immediately rendered useless locking me out.  When I tried to ask for mercy, your answer was always the same; “This is a church not your clubhouse—it takes money!” and turned your back on me.  Your argument made sense I suppose, but the fact you had your legal minions invade my home and verbally abuse me is unconscionable.  I was made to feel worthless!  I was the only one to speak up and sound the alarm when your Asst Pastor Bagwan was caught in the Rectory fondling himself!!  I’m not buying your story that Bagwan was simply self-testing for a hernia; I heard no coughing!  I’m going to ruin your bullshit house of worship if it’s the last thing I do!

Yours in Vegetables,


Words can’t express my disappointment.  Not only was Poo a valued member of the church, he’s also been a long time member (in absentia) of the ‘Rules Committee.’  Regardless of our 11 year history I had to make an example of him.  While trying to settle this thing out of court I can’t speak of meaningful details, but suffice it to say when confronted with JJ’s legal assassins, Poo began whimpering then within seconds openly sobbed like a fat 12 year old girl alone at the dance.  It may have been the sadist thing I’ve ever witnessed.  So if there are others contemplating besmirching my holy vegetable, think beyond your stubby little fingers before you launch an attack; I will find you!


Rev Zuki