AHHHHH SPRING TIME IS COMING……zuki prepares for warmth and pleasant viewing

spandex horrorHello Lovers of the Equinox,

As we approach the weekend and slide toward Spring it occurred to me that something was missing.  Initially I couldn’t put my finger on it but definitely something vital and important was late.  As spring replaces winter, and temperatures rise, there’s a check list of activities and ‘to do'(s) that tend to govern my awakening from hibernation.  Locating my shorts, ankle socks, Hawaiian shirts, sun block, and new grips for my golf clubs become a litmus test for how prepared I am for this transition.

I’ve not yet surrendered my coat to the closet yet, as any long time resident of the Rockies will tell you there’s always one bigger storm headed our way!  I can tell a ‘newbie’ is living amongst us mountain folk, as they’ll be the ones caught in a spring snow storm in shorts and T-shirt; desperately clearing their windshields with sticks or cardboard box flaps.

Dropping off my summer shirts at the cleaners was the last task on my check list but as I jumped in my car to seek solace at Blondies, I still couldn’t help but feel there was more to do. I found a seat at ‘Curmudgeon Corner’ and over the din and glass clinking I was overjoyed to see Phat Ass Patty get shut down after begging a male customer for a drink! The humiliation forced ‘Dumbo’ to leave in a huff…There is a God!

But even this small victory wasn’t enough to ease the gnawing sense of accomplishment unfulfilled.  I was joined by a few more curmudgeons but before I could “fart in their general direction” we were treated to something very rare at Blondies; an unattached beautiful woman taking a seat next to the “Rules Committee.”  She was dressed in a very short skirt with a sleeveless top that exposed her well defined breasts. As I continued to scan this gorgeous example of God’s handy work, I followed the delicate curvature of her tanned legs garnished with anklet pumps that made me long for that ‘fur burger with a side of thighs.’

Then it hit me.  I now realized what was missing!

This is the time of year that women in general begin to shed their winter wardrobes revealing lots of skin.  Some women should show as much skin as they feel comfortable with while others (and you know who you are) should make an effort to corral and contain their skin before someone gets hurt.  But unfortunately many women of this ‘ilk’ who should be covered with a tent see themselves as alluring and will squeeze into ‘Spandex’ outfits that cling to every wart and cottage cheese cellulite bulge.  Many can be seen waddling into Macy’s cosmetic counters for a ‘make over’ to complete their self-perceived metamorphosis.

To complete my spring check list I take it upon myself to insult and shame the more egregious offenders and point out how unattractive ‘Spandex’ makes them look.  Then it’s important to sell them on the idea of a Moo-Moo!  Only then will my work be done.

C’mon you ill-tempered heathens I know you agree with me!  If you’re able to reduce the number of self-deceived “women of Walmart” and get them to cover up, means a much more pleasant gawking experience with less revolting revelations.  Now get out there and hit them between the eyes….you’ll feel the pride of service to your fellow man!  I’m just sayin…

Thank You,

zuki