Fat dudeGood Morning Deputies of Discernment,

Once again I’ve embarked upon the elusive quest to lose weight.  For the two or three of you that read this yogurt cup on a semi-part-time only if I’m bored basis, know that this pursuit is repeated annually.  I become disgusted with my lethargic inability to climb two flights of stairs without the need for oxygen and vow to drop 30lbs!  Those who know me would tell you that my eventual loss of 10 lbs is like taking a bucket of water from the Pacific in that no one notices.

Yet I’m compelled to try!  If not for my health but for the sake of getting laid and not be ashamed to introduce her to ‘curmudgeon corner.’  I know this sounds hateful, but I think you know what I mean.  I love the feeling I get when a beautiful woman is on my arm upon entering a club or restaurant.  The look I get from both men and women make it all worthwhile.  I see envy in men and approval from women.  God I miss those little pleasures.

As part of my regimen I’ve plotted a 1.7 mile course that circumnavigates the neighborhood and meanders through a natural area filled with prairie dogs.  The little fuckers are prolific and have mimicked mankind by setting their home holes five to ten feet from each other.  I walk this daily (when possible) then return for a light workout of sit ups and pushups.

Ironically though, the last two days I’ve passed a woman going the opposite direction who smiles easily when saying hello while I manage a mumbled acknowledgement.  I was determined to approach her next time and see if she wouldn’t mind some company.  I didn’t notice a ring or other symbols of possession so girded up my loins and walked out the door.  Sure enough like clockwork she appeared and quickly came toward me.  It was obvious she was able to walk at a much faster pace than I do and closed the gap.  I stopped about 15 feet from her and said “Hi…I’m Mike…would you like some company for awhile?”  She stopped and seemed to size me up as her eyes scanned for signs of danger or crazy.  I almost apologized for bothering her and moved on when she said, “yes that would be nice” and even turned around to go my way!

Her name is Allison.  Oh my Lord she’s gorgeous!  She’s 58 and has obviously kept herself in shape as evidenced by her long toned legs.  Wearing a light sweatshirt one could still easily see how blessed she is and I don’t care if they are store-bought, her breasts are substantial without being gaudy.  The conversation was not forced and free from religious or political strings and felt confident she was enjoying the time with me.  Ten minutes into our so-called walk I found myself nearly jogging to keep up with her.  It wasn’t long before I became winded making discussion quite impossible and excused myself to stoop over and catch my breath.  I explained mostly through sign language and choppy syllables that I used to be ripped and featured in a Bow Flex commercial but had to give it up for my career.  She couldn’t help herself and laughed out loud but felt bad about it by putting her hand over her mouth trying to stifle her giggling.

At least I had made her laugh!  At my age laughter is as important (maybe more) as an adequate sexual performance.  She slowed her pace allowing me to converse between gasping for air so it was clear I was degrading her workout to my level and needed to get to the point.  I asked her out for a glass of wine and perhaps something to eat.  She was kind enough to accept my offer but under one condition.  She made no excuses and delved straight to the heart of the matter by explaining she likes to date men who are in shape and whose height to weight ratio is balanced.  She went on to tell me though she thought me attractive and if I could lose the weight and vastly improve my conditioning she’d happily go out with me.  She further emphasized her offer by telling me she’d be way too much for me and feared heart failure in my present physical state.    OUCH! I’ve never been so turned on!!

Motivation comes in all forms doesn’t it?  Since the offer I’ve not missed a day and have actually accelerated my workout. I must follow through just to see if Allison actually poses a threat to my life….Shit who am I kidding, I’d be willing to risk death right now to devour this stunning example of God’s work.  THINK ABOUT IT….is there a better way to leave this rock?