Oh the humanity!
Just like the Hindenburg, Curmudgeon Corner has crashed and burned leaving only me to tell the tale. I saw the Bagwan weeping, wailing, and gnashing his teeth as news of his dalliances became public. Shamed beyond his ability to cope, we speculate that he broke his neck falling off his high horse! But to his credit, he died face up and according to the Paramedics had a smile on his face. Incredibly, I’ve received two or three notes of condolences at this tragic loss.
Dawn the Bartender is still around but was seriously injured at a Justin Bieber concert. You see, Bieber removed his shirt sliding it back and forth between his legs…driving who we thought was Joe and thousands of twelve year old girls crazy.
Like screaming ‘FIRE!’ in a theater, Joe rushed the stage to in fact snag the shirt for himself. Calamitously his self-absorbed actions triggered a rush of 4,000 screaming young girls all competing for Bieber’s pheromone soaked shirt! In the ensuing confusion Dawn the bartender while trying to hold back the onslaught of pubescent girls was trampled….subsequently rupturing her spleen.
Last I heard Dawn’s medical expenses were substantial. She sued Joe, Bieber, and the theater for trauma, pain, and mental anguish successfully settling out of court for an undisclosed sum. Due to her newly found riches she has retired and knee deep in her garden…literally, and now has moved on to greener pastures with her new life on a dairy farm.
Let me give you some background before we get to the violent and tragic ramifications that unfolded before the entire “Rules Committee’s” affectively changing their lives forever! The above tragedy unleashed the “Finger of God.”
First of all Joe, the pillar of the Corner, the “man” who was the glue that held it all together wasn’t actually Joe at all, rather to our collective amazement he wasn’t even a man. In Joe’s rush to the stage and the act of tackling Bieber to the ground his pants split revealing what appeared to be a ‘Cod Piece’ strapped in place over what was clearly a vagina! With all the phone cameras present it was plastered all over the Internet not to mention the entertainment section of the Post. Our very own Joe was OUTED!
It was discovered Joe was in fact the notorious Mary Agnes O’Connor a 1966 graduate of a local all-girls school and an infamous fugitive from justice. As you might imagine this shocking news didn’t sit well with the full body of the “Rules Committee” gathered at “Curmudgeon Corner.” Ironically all were present to specifically elect Joe as our new Chairman. Feeling betrayed there was mumbling and whispering revealing several plots for revenge! This egregious act had to be reconciled if justice was to be served.
Mary Agnes was the ringleader of a group of violent insurrectionists who like so many in the 60’s broke the law to further the causes they supported. While many groups of that era were protesting for civil rights or against the Viet Nam war, Mary Agnes and her group opposed a rather obscure sugar tariff. Evidently Mary Agnes had a sweet tooth!
While their goals may not have been as lofty as others, their methods were just as violent. They robbed Salvation Army Santa’s, stole from poor boxes, rolled drunks and even stole cookies from Girl Scouts! They used their ill-gotten gains to further their own cause and distributed the remainder to other activist movements. Mary Agnes admired the work of the SDS and even tried to give them financial support only later to find out she had actually sent the donation to the LDS! Ultimately though, she went into hiding and took on a male persona and has eluded capture since then.
Fast forward to the year 2005 we were all sucked in by this wanna be transgendered mercenary and recruited the curmudgeons one by one to join the now Joe in her latter-day ‘Quixotic’ missions. We were all promised 72 virgins if we cooperated making it an easy decision for we curmudgeons to go along.
But things quickly turned ugly once Joe was outed as Mary Agnes.
What makes this all the more interesting is Mary Agnes’ co-conspirators make up the bulk of ‘Curmudgeon Corner’ members both now at Blondie’s and earlier at Dewey’s. That’s right; DV ANT, Madcow, Cush, Roger the Hairdresser, zuki, Bagwan, Griz, and El Poo where all members of the original gang. Hopefully under the circumstances our legal system will show a bit of mercy.
Roger the Hairdresser was the first casualty. You’d think given his profession he’d be more sympathetic about supporting a transgendered ‘Robin Hood’ but was actually the most vengeful. Alone he secured a butane powered tar melting trailer used to repair or install roofs. RTH tiny frame managed to drag it to the service elevator and positioned it over Blondie’s entry from the roof.
While waiting for Joe er..um Mary Agnes to arrive he got thirsty and decided he had time to get a beer at Blondie’s. Unfortunately for RTH his timing sucked. Just as he approached the entry the trailer full of hot tar which had been left unsecured dumped the entire load on Roger. He died from first degree burns and suffocation from his lips and nose being sealed from the tar. A couple of local punks added insult to injury by kicking any life left in the bitter little man right out of him.
He never looked better!
Dv’ant, El Poo, Madcow, and Griz who’s membership was due to expire anyways decided to teach Mary Agnes aka Joe a lesson for her deception. As not to raise suspicion and tip off Mary Agnes they all bought tickets and attended a reunion concert featuring the Monkees, Barry Manilow, and Boy George. Nobody would suspect anything and was a perfect cover.
An invitation was extended to Mary Agnes to join them but being recently outed left her embarrassed and just wanted to lie low, so she declined. Expecting this, the boys now possessed an air-tight alibi and slipped out a side exit door during Manilow’s performance of “Mandy” The plan was set into motion.
Griz, the fat bald pompous one of the committee has always considered himself the “pretty-boy” of the group and was to call Mary Agnes feigning a need to confess his love for her and would she meet him at Angelo’s for a glass of wine. Still very conflicted about her now disclosed secret she accepted his invitation.
Unbeknownst to Mary Agnes the rest of the boys were waiting in front; parked on 6th ave poised for a quick get-a-way. When she got out of her car Griz walked toward Mary Agnes meeting her directly in front of the getaway car. In a single fluid motion Griz put a chloroform soaked cloth over her nose and Mary Agnes collapsed into a wide open trunk and then whisked away.
When Mary Agnes came to she had been placed in a narrow container much like a coffin. It was dark with only the sound of a fan blowing fresh air into the container. She’d been stripped naked and seizing upon the irony, they left her still wearing her cod piece! She lost her voice screaming for help and could only whisper.
The boys were still on schedule and made their way back to Blondie’s praising Barry Manilow’s voice; excited he still found a way to punch out a tune. This was their story and they were sticking to it.
They had buried the box under a Spruce located in Wash Park and planned on holding Mary Agnes for ransom. A note was slid under the door at AB&C Mary’s business, in hopes her family would not ask questions and pay the $100K they asked for—that is if they ever wanted to see her again.
Cush was visiting his Aunt Myrna to check on her brand new oxygen tent and electronic breathing apparatus when he heard of Joe’s revelation. Cush turned an ashen gray and immediately explained to his ailing aunt he had to go. Putting on his teamsters cap he made a 90 degree turn and stormed out of her house to meet up at Curmudgeon Corner. Sadly he failed to notice the cord had wrapped around his foot unplugging the breathing device in his hasty departure.
Flailing her baggy skinned arms frantically and turning blue, Cush waved back to her saying he’d be back soon. She died a slow humiliating death.
Completely clueless Cush raced to Blondie’s knowing something was amiss at the corner. He arrived to find El Poo, Griz, Dv’ant and Madcow going on and on about Boy George and his newly styled make up. Cush immediately asked if they had heard about Joe’s outing. Smiling at each other the boys assured him they had and are doing something about it.
The boys decided to let Cush in on the deal and ask for more ransom money. It was either that or listen to Cush blather on and on about his beloved but deceased Aunt Myrna. Cush wasn’t smiling. He demanded to know his benefactor’s whereabouts. The boys were surprised by this but stuck together and would not give up Mary Agnes’s location. There was an estimated 24 hours of battery life left that supported air intake for poor Mary and time was running out!
Cush being a man of action (perhaps not as he is a union man) immediately left to retrieve his twelve gauge shotgun and returned to Blondie’s determined to save Mary’s life. A determined Cush, eyes ablaze with hatred, pointed the shotgun down the bar telling everyone to get out except our boys now held at gun point.
He asked them one more time where she was buried. When they refused Cush didn’t hesitate and blew all four off their stools. He reloaded and emptied the gun again into their faceless bodies. Then once more for good measure! But now he realized he had just killed the only people who know where she is! Shit….
Sirens could be heard in the distance so Cush pushed his way past the cowering patrons at Blondie’s and bolted.
Knowing he’d be identified as the killer Cush didn’t have much time so he decided to make a run for it. He hitched up his new boat, gathered camping gear, and filled water jugs for a long trip. Our sobbing Teamster was inconsolable; tears making it difficult to see. He really didn’t know how fast he was going but was traveling 95 mph and dragging his boat actually turned his new vessel into an air foil that lifted him and his truck off the road directly into a bridge abutment bursting his entire rig into flames!
Unfortunately for Mary Agnes the ransom note left earlier was read by Julie the office manager as well as a few other employees. They collectively wondered what to do. However, Julie pointed out that Mary Agnes really had no family and had bequeathed the successful business to them should she/he pass away.
The proud new owners of AB&C closed early and bought Champagne to celebrate their collective good fortune.
Mary could hear the fan supplying her oxygen begin to sputter and fluctuate in the delivery of air; she knew at that moment nobody was coming for her.
As the sole surviving “Curmudgeon” I felt like I owed the two or three of you reading this ‘Cacophony of Clucks’ an explanation for closing the ‘Diatribe.’ I’m at a loss for words and you can’t imagine the grief! I’ll try and pick up the pieces…and move on…hopefully to make amends for a lifetime of captaining a rudderless ship and become a useful citizen…..or at least that’s my intention. I will lead a life of sanctimonious accusations the rest of my allotted rotations. Goodbye! (for now anyways)