There seems to be a never ending stream of bull shit emanating from the mouths of infectious drip-dicks that the once famous ‘Susie Chapstick’ was seen engaged in coitus with the ‘Bagwan;’ staining the ‘Doghouse’ parking lot. Not rushing to judgment I did some asking around and conducted a thorough investigation. Based on DNA samples taken from smeared spooge left on the dashboard of Suzy’s car, it appears the rumor is true. While this in its self isn’t surprising, the fact our ‘Holy Fucker’ broke his 15 year vow of celibacy for a fat dried up old hag with thinning hair has me in a foul mood. If one takes on the thankless job of being the ‘Diatribe’s’ spiritual leader, swearing to abstain from carnal pleasure, then one must do it! Never mind he’s married to his sainted wife, how in the name of everything holy does he insert his ‘Johnson’ into that bag of worms?
For the two or three of you too young to remember, Suzy Chaffee after doing well in the Winter Olympics became the attractive spokeswoman for Chapstick brand lip balm and forever known as ‘Suzy Chapstick.’ She went on to become a political activist for women’s causes in the 70’s and her talent as a lobbyist became widely known when it was revealed she fucked Ted Kennedy to get the 1978 Amateur Sports Act passed into law. I thought I had read someplace Sleazy Suzy had moved back to Colorado, and it appears she has. ‘Bagovermehead’ never had a chance!
Now we the disillusioned have no spiritual compass to set a moral course for this our humble forum. Oh the shame! “Oh the humanity” Oh shit!
This will no doubt come down to an emergency committee meeting to discuss disciplinary action or possible sanctions against the ‘Holy Fucker’ for breach of contract. I’m in hopes it won’t come down to that. We curmudgeons do whine and complain allot, often asking for the head of a perceived ne’er-do-well, but we’re also a kind and forgiving lot. Besides Just Jackin,’ who of us hasn’t fallen prey to the charms of a seductress bent on picking our pockets? Sure we hold Baggy to a higher standard but in spite of his claims he is after all mortal; subject to failure.
I intend to interview (provided I can be worked into his schedule) the mystic to determine his contriteness and willingness to learn from this unfortunate mess to once again rise up and become our spiritual compass. His attendant’s claim he’s been locked in the ‘Meditation Room’ for the last 72 hours since the news of his dalliance became public. I think this is a good sign. I’m sure he feels just awful about this and is seeking further light and knowledge. I suspect he’ll emerge from this ugly dilemma a changed man thus benefiting us all.
In the mean time though, I hope his ‘Johnson’ turns into a burnt matchstick!