BETTER LIVING THROUGH CHEMISTRY……..curmudgeon corner gets hip with lust

passedoutdrunkGood Morning Juggernauts of Life’s Rich Pageant,

I was listening to ‘Lightin’ Hopkins who happens to be one of the greatest blues men to ever bend a note, when suddenly the song’s refrain knocked me to the floor! I know what most of you are thinking, and no, I didn’t fall off my chair in a drunken stupor. “Did you ever love a woman like you loved yourself?” I thought, “wow…..that’s pretty interesting zuki, as it’s a gender twisting of the Golden Rule.” It’s funny how our stream of consciousness will often dovetail with the action taking place right in front of us.

One of our own who I promised not to reveal in anyway, has been experiencing a sexual drought. This is not rumor as it came from this person directly, and I suspect few would come out and admit to something like that, so volunteering the information has the veracity to be told on this venue. Of course if you knew who I was referring to, you’d have little problem believing the story anyway, so I’ll get on with it.

Our good friend was at the bar and met a woman (had bad teeth) who actually seemed to enjoy our associates style and at the end of a drunken Blondie’s session decided to bed down together. Now for those of you who haven’t reached that magical age of 50, you probably don’t realize that sex takes much more preparation than when one was 25. At the tender age of twenty-something you’re ripping each others clothes off and with little foreplay are ready to mount up a marathon.

The more mature one gets hopefully one’s love-making skills improve. This becomes vital, because now foreplay is much more important in actually getting your partner aroused and interested. By the time one reaches fifty-something, the body will often betray you by shutting down many of those things once taken for granted, so there you are; naked in bed with a lovely woman you’ve labored long to inspire and has actually become excited, only to approach her with a limp-ish looking ‘Johnson.’ “Oh the horror!” The ensuing embarrassment only serves to worsen the condition so that even a simple hand job is now out of the question!

God help us.

Thankfully, medical science and “better living through chemistry” has given the world Viagra or Cialis to bolster and sure up the problem. I’ve personally experimented with Viagra and can attest that it works as advertised! In preparation for my good friend’s big night he was equipped not only with the big V, I was also able to secure a modest amount of accoutrements suitable for the occasion. I warned him about the later ingredient being very strong and not to overdue it. So our associate and his ‘babe’ hot footed it back to his place where he had a nice Pinot Noir waiting. Incense was burning creating an ambiance similar to his college days putting them both in the mood. Lying in each others arms, our brave associate fired up the facilitator and began to enjoy the accoutrements. Kissing passionately, fondling each other to the point of moaning garbled expressions of lust, they both agreed it was time to exchange bodily fluids and headed for the bedroom. My good friend had popped in 100 milligrams of Viagra two hours earlier and was visibly ready. Everything was perfect, or so he thought. Our brave associate made the fateful decision to take a quick shower as to remove any possibility of offensive body odor.

Our smiling associate bounced out of the shower completely naked. He jumped onto the bed like ‘Tarzan’ with his rock hard member fully engorged and pointing straight up. He snuggled up to her making ape noises but the ‘babe’ didn’t respond. He gently shook her but still no signs of life. Oh my God! his babe had totally passed out. He couldn’t believe what was happening to him; all hard with no place to put it! SHIT!!! There she was mostly naked, mouth agape snoring with just a hint of drool pooling up at the corner of her mouth. Just as in the movie “Animal House” our boy was torn about doing what needed to be done. Should he fuck her even though passed out? Should he do the gentlemanly thing and laugh about it over morning coffee hoping to regain the magic enjoyed only hours before?

Shit what a dilemma.

After deciding on the gentlemanly thing, our hero was now faced with another problem. It takes a Viagra induced boner hours of inattention to let the air out, but every time he looked at her in repose, “Schwing!” He tried icing it down with limited success and could feel blue balls setting in; pain only men can appreciate. He became so frustrated he decided to use his cock hammer as a battering ram running at the kitchen wall puncturing a dick sized hole in the drywall. This went on until he had managed to poke five dick-holes in the wall finally getting his cock to at least fly at half mast. Ironically it took most of the night to fall asleep given his condition, and slept through his babe’s awakening. She quietly let herself out not wanting to disturb her would-be lover.

I asked our good friend if he ever got back with her to which he replied, “Hell with this dating shit, I’m returning to the drought never putting myself in that position again!” I think we can all take a lesson here. If opportunity presents itself, don’t put off till tomorrow what you can insert today!!