BAGWAN NO LONGER SEES COLORADO AS HEAVEN ON EARTH……sink holes swallowed his pride

save-the-colorado-Good Morning Cantillated Hosers,

Our very own Bagwan who’s righteous indignation knows no boundaries, has taken a closer look at his mountainous perch.  There is a reason our holy fucker descends once a week  to bless we the unwashed with further truth and light.  Being able to urinate in everyone’s water from atop the Continental Divide is no longer reason for celebration.  Bagwan takes dead aim at the Centennial State and is not pleased, so please join me in assimilating this finger wagging:


 

“Tis a privilege to live in Colorado,” was a favorite saying of the founder of the Denver Post which is still posted on a wall in the newsroom. I assume it referred mostly to the opportunities of the great outdoors and our salubrious climate. It used to be accepted as fact that we have 300 days of sunshine a year. Recently a meteorologist determined that it is closer to 250 days and that’s if you’re generous with your definition of a “day of sunshine.” 250 or 300, I don’t really care, I’ve always thought that “sunny days” are way overrated. I’ll take a dark dreary day every time – and no I am not kidding.

Lately I have been feeling more uneasy than privileged about life here in the Centennial State. Let’s start with the trial of James Holmes which just finished its sixth week and counting. Everyone agrees that he shot up an Aurora theater, killing 12 and wounding 70, the only thing they are debating is his sanity. Really the only thing they are debating is whether he should receive the death penalty. I am normally a firm supporter of the death penalty but since we never actually execute anyone here in Colorado, why bother with the cost of a trial followed by a sham death sentence.

The weather this spring also has me on edge. Every day it seems there are thunderstorm warnings and tornado watches. They’ll break in to a perfectly good rerun of “Gunsmoke” to tell you to watch out for flash flooding in Kit Carson County. I don’t know or care where Kit Carson County is, but I would sure like to know what Matt and Festus are saying about Miss Kitty.

Recent events have me very interested in the exact location of Larimer County and not for the purpose of flash flood warnings. I am interested because there is some nut up there running around randomly shooting people. When I say “random” that is exactly what I mean. This doesn’t appear to have anything to do with race, gender, age, religon or sexual orientation. Whatever happened to good old fashioned hate crimes?

I was just starting to get used to a farce trial, warning sirens and serial killers and then along came the sinkhole. I find sinkholes very frightening – there is something almost biblical about them. This one is especially frightening because of its location – right at the entrance to the commercial complex which houses the world headquarters of JJ’s financial empire. That’s right; at the intersection less than one block from the front door of JJ and Son is now a huge gaping hole that swallowed up a Sheridan Police Department SUV.  Now in fairness the Almighty could have been targeting one of the other occupants of the complex but I expect that this Saturday will find JJ in the confessional at St. Vincent’s followed by mass and communion on Sunday.

You may have noticed that I used the new name of JJ’s business: “JJ and Son.” We were all surprised that after all these years of doing business as XYZ Escapades he would change the name. It turns out that he was watching an episode of Sanford and Son and was brought to tears by the father/son relationship in the show. He said he saw a lot of himself in Fred Sanford and realized that the one piece missing in his otherwise successful life is a son. He doesn’t want to go the biological route because of all messiness that entails and besides he wants an adult son. He has started a full scale search for candidates using all the current forms of social media (including men’s room walls). It really is a terrific opportunity for the right young man to have the mentoring and nurturing JJ can offer not to mention a nice inheritance in the not too distant future. The only catch that I can see is that he insists you change your name to Lamont.

BAGWAN

 

  • zuki

    Please…please…no bickering here! JJ has asked me to somehow narrow the selection down to two candidates from three (3). The two contenders are Roger the Hairdresser and surprisingly enough Cush. There will be a barrage of testing to determine intellect and social skills (we’re pulling for you Cush) leading up to the final….the last test will determine the winner. Who will have the best adaptation of their mentor’s signature expression of approval……YEAH BABY!!!

    • bagwan1

      I have just received a nasty email from Cush’s lawyer demanding that we remove the intellect and social skills criteria. He suggested that fishing and malingering would be suitable substitutes.

  • bagwan1

    We have been shocked by the interest from those who think they want to be JJ’s adoptive son. Please direct all inquiries directly to Zuki. Being caught unprepared, for now we are just going to use the Al Qaeda job application form.
    In the essay section don’t be afraid to think protégé in addition to son.