I was perusing my normal sources of inspiration and entertainment for the weekend and came across a Blues Theater website promoting a ‘Pole Dancing’ competition. This isn’t necessarily your “Father’s pole dance” either as the marquee announced pole art, pole comedy, pole drama, and pole classique!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?
When did this happen? Back in the day…and I’m talking way back in the day, pole dancing was limited to firemen and strip clubs. Today we’ve got “Festivus for the rest of us” introduced in a Seinfeld episode where the pole centered on the airing of grievances with family members over the Christmas holidays. The North and South Poles are of course geographic markers, Antipodes mark absolute opposites, mathematically speaking “a pole of a meromorphic function is a certain type of singularity” whatever that means, and certainly who can forget the quickly disappearing ‘ski poles’ used to gracefully navigate down a mountain ski slope. I missed it somehow…I mean the day “Pole Comedy” arrived at a club near you.
I’m reluctant to admit this, but I honestly don’t find poles all that amusing!
I was a mediocre pole vault-er in high school, but 11 feet was honorable in those days and I’m a better man for the experience. I continued to marvel at the promotion offering a chance for a member of the audience to join the ‘artist’ on stage as evidently there’s an ‘Amateur Division.’ Guest stars that, assuming this is all true and not an elaborate ruse, are well known in the Pole Theatre community and will also perform. I honestly had NO idea this obsession with poles was so pervasive, but there it was calling to me with bright shiny pictures and text with the following announcement:
Pole Theatre USA:
Friday Night: Amateur Competition and guest performances by some of the biggest names in the pole industry. Back by popular demand is Sally Slipenslidey who perfected the running leap catching the pole with both knees using her momentum to spin gracefully onto the stage completing the move with a springing hand-stand onto her feet. (Para-Medics are on standby).
Gracing the stage and our headliner for the evening is our very own Bertha Clinchmeyer. She defies gravity by wrapping her buttocks around the pole and with amazing strength and muscle control uses her ass cheeks to climb the pole! (Please no cameras)
Saturday Night: Professional Competition and guest performances by last year’s national champion Olivia Spittle; bringing her plates on a stick routine to our humble venue! Marge “Firehouse” Brickman will be there without a helmet as she uses the pole to drop 20 feet directly onto her head….she gets up (most nights) and carries a basket of fruit on the flat portion of her head on exit! You have to see it to believe it. Cheryl Boneme’ is our final act! Get a front row seat and watch Cheryl hump and make love to her favorite pole; gyrating for tips.. (Towelettes will be available)
Our emcee both nights is Michelle Shimmy, a Sydney-based pole dancer, instructor and co-owner of the Pole Dance Academy. Shimmy has performed and competed all over the world, and we could not be more excited to have her on our stage! She will be available for private dances after the show.
Our judging panel consists of Marlo Frisken, Nadia Sharif, Maddie Sparkle, David “Toothless” Owen, and Natasha Wang.
For the two or three of you still reading this ‘bucolic’ rhapsody this “New shit coming to light” has opened up a whole new world for this observer of “life’s rich pageant.” I plan to get a front row seat this Saturday night.
On a side note:
I’m looking for an attractive woman interested in cooking while on a pole. It’ll take some practice but believe that by securing a hot plate around her waist my star would cook then feed some lucky customer a ‘Denver’ omelet. This can’t miss! Contact me for more details.