“DRESS FOR SUCCESS” OR BE INCONSPICUOUS……..simple advice to avoid a physical thrashing

JJ Dresses for Rockies game
JJ Dresses for Rockies game

Good Morning Mother Earth,

Have you ever been bullied?  Have you been harassed or physically beaten up simply for wearing glasses or a goofy shirt?  Did you walk 8 blocks out of your way to avoid those thugs bent on making your life miserable?  While it’s never happened to me or mine, but I can certainly appreciate the pain and suffering of the innocent rube just trying to hack out a life.  If you continue to be punk’d by others for no apparent reason you may want to read the following in hopes of mitigating this unpleasantness.


Listen to me.  When you wear a bright red shirt with green pants secured with a white belt you are screaming for someone to bitch-slap you!  Make sure NOT to wear Huarache sandals with white socks!  I’ve pleaded with the Bagster not to do this but he insists it’s a good look for him.  I know several other people that do this and bullies stand in line to stomp on them and then push the poor schmuck down.  Trust me this not a good look!  Be realistic!  Don’t trust the mirror as it will lie to you.  If you want a clue, take a look at a family video or photo in which you were featured lately.  I imagine Vinny to be a good example of this as he must think he looks good in spandex as he wears clothes much too small to contain the mountains of flesh.  Wearing clothing that exposes one’s midriff or butt crack is an instant ‘atomic wedgie’ or at best a good pancing.  WHILE DRESSED IN BERMUDA SHORTS DON’T WEAR BLACK SOCKS AND DRESS SHOES!

Just JOE has recently returned from his annual Florida vacation and suffered sand to the face as opposed to being featured in a porn video only because he doddered across the beach donned in his traditional summer gear described above!  Not once but twice!  I’ve tried telling him, but you know our boy…..oblivious.

If you’re not sure what your wearing will get you beaten up, please email a photo of yourself wearing the attire and as a service to the two or three of you reading this ‘skid mark’ will advise you of what to expect.  Oh by-the-way, go ahead and lose the hat and that pair of red Crocks.


If one is going to stink on top of dressing like a punching bag, then you should expect to be slapped around further.  For God’s sake use some soap and water next time you bathe it’ll make everyone happier!  If you’re attached to a feature such as a mustache or beard please take the time to trim and groom it so people don’t confuse it with pubic hair!  That thing on JJ’s upper lip looks as though he ripped it from Dawn’s bikini wax.  For those of us at ‘curmudgeon corner,’ before stepping outside take a quick look in the mirror for unruly hairs growing out of your nose, ear lobes, eyebrows, and back; it will go much easier on you.


If you stutter or end every sentence with “you know” expect to get pushed around.  Try using other words besides ‘fuck’ and stop using ‘um’ as it really isn’t a word other than to describe ones pitiful command of the English language.  Several of our own don’t understand the concept of being attentive and puke out streams of consciousness in one never ending run on sentence.  I’m personally coaching Cush who is willing to try, but other associates are beyond help.  A line from one of my favorite movies, “Trains, Planes, and Automobiles”— “Have a point—it makes it so much more interesting for the listener”

If you adhere to the above guidelines I’m sure you’ll find the number of bullying incidents to drop significantly.  You don’t have to thank me, just get out there and make our world easier on the senses.


  • zuki

    It’s so very true! I’m uniquely qualified to judge others dressing styles and fashion sense or lack thereof. For the two or three of you that know me, you’ve all commented favorably on my Hawaiian shirt collection!

  • bagwan1

    Well, well, well … didn’t you know it was going to come to this — Zuki looking down his nose at others for how they dress. Now that Zuki has left the Goodwill Stores and moved all the way up to shopping at Kohl’s (with discount coupons) he thinks he is the arbiter of sartorial elegance.
    He even had me feel the fabric on his newest banlon shirt which he says comes from the Kohl’s VIP Collection.