Once again our very own Bagwan has seen fit to enlighten we the unwashed. He has come down from his lofty perch after seeing far too many similarities between al-Qaeda and “Curmudgeon Corner.” His keen eye has seen enough and has demanded an audience. If you’ll read it carefully, you’ll find the comparison rationally portioned and some would say even-handed. Please join with me in prayer in similitude to our most holy of holy’s the Bagwan:
Up till now we have accepted every disagreeable, liver-spotted old sot who plopped down at the bar as a member of Curmudgeon Corner. I read something this week which convinced me, actually embarrassed me into believing that this practice must stop. In the raid that resulted in the death of Osama bin Laden a cache of documents was discovered which included a three page job application which had to be filled out before joining al-Qaeda. That’s right; al-Qaeda was more selective and more organized than we are. I decided right then and there that Curmudgeon Corner needed to add a little bit of bureaucracy to its routine.
Not being one to try to reinvent the wheel I decided that with some editing the al-Qaeda application form would work for our purposes so I went to work on the task. I got everything in ship-shape order and then took the form over to Brother JJ’s place of business for printing. When I got the copies back I realized there were some mistakes but I was not about to run up any bigger tab than necessary since we aren’t going to pay the bill anyway. The one instruction I mistakenly left in was #3 – “If you do not speak Arabic, please answer in the language you know.” I actually got one form back in Arabic and we have reported the individual to the proper authorities. Zuki’s shocked reaction, “I always thought he was an Apache.”
I have asked Dawn the Bartender to make sure that all existing “members” fill out a form so decisions can be made about their on-going status. As you can well imagine that has resulted in a lot of grumbling and complaints. I wasn’t surprised to learn that most of the complaints were about the instruction to answer accurately and truthfully because after all, accuracy and truthiness don’t thrive at the Corner.
As I began to review the forms I saw that there were responses which needed to be shared here at the Diatribe. First off, almost everyone got the date right, although a couple missed the year. Nicknames and alias came in 100% perfect. The request for a first name was easy for Roger the Hairdresser but it stumped Cush. He said he has been called Cush for so long that he had forgot what his first name was — although he thought maybe it was “Asshole” since every time he walks in Blondie’s he hears people saying, “here comes that asshole Cush.”
Age, marital status and profession didn’t seem to trip anyone up. I was a little surprised by JJ’s response to “Father’s Name” and “Grandfather’s Name” which he listed as Dad and Grandpa.
Some of the other questions elicited a few unexpected answers. For example we actually got three “no’s” to the question about ever being in jail. Two claimed proficiency in speaking Chinese – JJ in the Mandarin dialect and Gimpy John in Xiang. Although both admitted they have never attempted Chinese before midnight. Very few of our members have passports, forged or otherwise and the list of chronic diseases is way too long to include here. I did pass along the disease list to Dawn so she can add the appropriate antidotes to the dishwashing process.
One question I left in just the way bin Laden asked it: “Do you wish to execute a suicide mission?” One of our more philosophical members pointed out that our current collective lifestyles were a pretty good facsimile of a suicide mission. Needless to say that anonymous fellow will remain a member in good standing and can look forward to a promotion to Assistant Bagwan.
Finally they ask about who should be contacted “in case you become a martyr.” JJ said he didn’t know proper protocol on martyrdom but he thought I should ask Zuki since he has played the martyr for as long as anyone can remember.