Good Morning Sand Dwellers,
How does one begin to describe the living hell that is vacationing with the Grizwald’s? I know I’ve had a few rotations but even with my limited reasoning skills I pictured a paradise of white sand, palm trees, and blue waters maximizing my complete relaxation. How could anything go wrong?
A gentle breeze wafted the smell of coconut sun tan lotion as I trudged awkwardly through the sand dodging the hundreds of bodies absorbing the sun’s vitamin D but feeling good about the $9 sunglasses I’d just purchased. I felt pretty hip for an old guy.
I struggled with where I should go for my 4-day vacation. At the end of 2014 I managed to squeeze out 16 days of vacation but spent all of it working in my studio and watching daytime TV. Please note: Daytime TV has nothing to offer anyone with a brain. So I was determined to actually leave town and travel to someplace with palm trees. I contacted my very good friends euphemistically referred to as “The Grizwald’s” taken from National Lampoon’s ‘Vacation’ series with Chevy Chase. It was all set.
It’s with a bit of shame I admit most women are far superior to me and suspect most men when it comes to planning. Not only was I unaware it was ‘Spring Break’s final weekend but was Easter weekend as well. For those who’ve not had the privilege of visiting Clear Water Beach, FL—traffic headed to the beach and across a two lane causeway backs up to a crawl 15 miles before even reaching the causeway!
Jimmy my host knowing the above to be true and what must have been at considerable expense set us up at three different hotels nestled right on the beach! This kept us at the center of the beach’s nightlife and its many clubs my entire time there. I think my host knows me pretty well.
I’ve known Jimmy & Stacy since 1992 and watched their three boys grow up until a tearful goodbye when they traded the Rockies for the gulf shores of Clear Water Beach. As life’s rich pageant never stops, each of their sons has grown to be young men with successful high school & college football careers, smarts, and all of them are good looking. As one might expect they all have beautiful girlfriends and an entourage of teammates and friends the Grizwald’s have adopted as their own. I had no idea they’d all be staying with us and our drunken overnight vigils each successive night. Yikes!
I quickly discovered the key to surviving this late night sardine can was to drink enough and inhale voluminous amounts of accoutrements suitable for the occasion so that you essentially pass-out allowing a modicum of rest. I was promised at least half a bed each night, but that proved to be a fools dream and was regularly, sometimes brutally, forced off the bed and onto the floor usually on top of another body.
I had contracted a nasty dose of heartburn…I suspect as a result of “Street Taco’s” eaten earlier and needed to seek relief.
I removed myself from the occupied 10 inches of bed and negotiated each body as much as my physical conditioning would allow and almost made it to the door but got snagged on a blanket or towel and kneed an offensive lineman (nickname of bowling ball) in the ribs! He never moved or even acknowledged the event so I wandered the streets at 5 am looking for a 7/11 to buy medication. Jeez….
Sunday being the last night we pulled out all the stops and went to Shepherd’s to get out on the dance floor. For the two or three of you still reading this dry-humpty hump perhaps you can appreciate the fact that at 65 rotations the pickings are pretty slim for dance partners so I turned to technology. Tinder is designed to find women/men wherever one happens to be using GPS location algorithms and hook up.
I matched almost immediately with Pam a reasonably attractive 59 year old woman and noticed her location was one-tenth of a mile from me. Using the Tinder text messaging feature I told her where I was and with my directions and landmarks she arrived within 15 minutes sipping on a Rum Runner. Engaging me in what quickly turned into dirty talk and subsequent high school make out and groping session, it was crystal clear where this was going.
We danced to a few songs then around 2 am and without saying anything to our hosts we ditched the crowd and walked a block up the road to a Quality Inn. They had one room available and of course raped me at $309.00! The clerk sized it up pretty quickly and wouldn’t come off the price. So I gladly paid it not only to get lucky, but more importantly to actually have a bed to myself.
We had what could only be described as drunken sex immediately followed by deep snoring. When I awoke about 10 am Pam had already let herself out without a note or kiss goodbye…but that’s the idea behind Tinder. I lay there for another 30 minutes basking in my alone-ness before I showered and dried myself with clean dry towels instead of a damp used washcloth! Heaven!!!
I hadn’t seen my hosts & family for 5 years. I love the Grizwald’s and the time spent with them and committed to go back at the end of this year’s football season to catch number 3 son as he’s a highly recruited QB for one of Florida’s top high school teams. They will no doubt be involved in the state championship series.
Whenever I hang with the Grizwald’s it usually takes a little while to put it all in perspective and realize I really did have a great time! Knowing how this works now, my next visit will include a female masseuse and private sleeping accommodations!