ZUKI TILTS AT WINDMILLS…AGAIN…….finding the elusive needs x-ray glasses

tilting at windmillsGood morning philologists,

In terms of 60 plus rotations I believe most of us married or not will eventually come to a crossroad and forced to pause. I’m not saying a month long ordeal of praying and fasting, rather a moment in time to reflect what it is we want. You’ve heard the old adage “Be careful what you wish for” stated as a warning right?  While there’s a certain level of truth here but encourages hesitation.

In the past two weeks I’ve spent allot of time with a woman considerably younger than I am and enjoyed every minute. She’s funny, witty, and bright, with a fabulous sense of humor. She’s an old soul sharing similar taste in music, movies, and even politics making her seem just “too good to be true.” I know what you’re thinking, “zuki you’d complain about finding $100 in a paper bag, convinced somebody took half of it.” I’m hip. But I thought perhaps I found someone. In actuality I did.

At the very least she could be a friend….should one subscribe to the notion that men and women are able to be ‘just’ friends.  To date I’ve never found that to be true.

Sometimes we think we want something but unable to accurately define it in terms of specifics. I love women. I like being with them generally speaking. But when it comes to a serious relationship in which time and resources are to be committed, all I can summon up is a nebulous rendition of “I think so.” This inability to ‘define’ what it is I want often translates into a ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ mind-set. Flesh wounds aside, it’s generally a case of aiming high but missing the mark.

Unlike one of our own, I don’t see the answer being total disenfranchisement. Giving up the search for what we perceive to be good and worthwhile is far worse than to stumble and err. The Russian writer and part time prisoner Solzhenitsyn said, “It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes… we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions – especially selfish ones.”

I don’t pretend to understand how it works; I’ll no doubt continue to have lapses of stupid. Tilting at windmills seems to be what I do best, so filling the void remains seemingly unattainable!  Be-that-as-it-may, I’ll persevere because I know of no other way!

I don’t apologize for seeking the brass ring. I highly suspect the two or three of you still reading this doppelganger have sought love and missed, right? Of course you have! If you’re saying to yourself, “I don’t even entertain mistakes let alone make them” then you must either be living in a cave or an idiot.

Every one of us should believe in ourselves; even if we’re letting hope overcome reason…..because the other option is to resign.


  • zuki

    If you look closely and not gloss over the halting grammar, it’s gotta be down there….have another look.

  • bagwan1

    My Russian is a little rusty, could you have that Solzhenitsyn quote translated into English?