Good Morning Effulgent Shinny People,
Once again our very own Bagwan has avoided near greatness and condescended to bequeath further ‘Truth & Light’ upon we the unwashed. He has witnessed one too many “award shows” and will extract his ‘pound of flesh’ Please enjoy:
It is Sunday afternoon and as I am writing this the world is waiting with bated breath for Hollywood’s jewel encrusted, yeast infections to walk up the Red Carpet at this year’s edition of the Oscar’s. There will be no update after the show since I’m not watching because I don’t know who they are and I certainly haven’t seen any of the films with the exception of the “Grand Budapest Hotel” which is on HBO. I get HBO because the wife says she watches it but I never walk by when she isn’t watching the Home Shopping Network.
The UPS driver who has our neighborhood always starts with our house in the morning. Old Lady Bagwan currently holds the record for consecutive days with a UPS delivery. Obviously the record does not apply to businesses or even homes which have special needs for things like medical supplies or ammunition. No, this record applies only to the desperate old bats who buy lotions, oils and creams which are somehow going to reverse the work of Mother Nature and Mister Gravity.
Please excuse the rant on the HSN because I really wanted to talk about the Oscar’s or more broadly, awards shows in general. These “show business” people are constantly honoring each other at award shows like the Golden Globes, the People’s Choice, The Critics’ Choice, the Screen Actors Guild, the Grammy’s , the Emmy’s, the Tony’s and if they cross over maybe one of the myriad Country Music awards. The only thing missing is an award show for Award Shows.
Speaking of crossing over was there ever a time when tonight’s Oscar host struck you as a female heart throb – I think he plays one on TV. I can’t think of his name but I can tell you that unless he is playing Tinker Bell or Peter Pan he is miscast. I have absolutely nothing against queers in movies but watching Anthony Perkins try to throw a baseball or Rock Hudson seduce Doris Day just doesn’t work for me.
Let’s try once more to come back to the Oscar’s because I noticed that today while they were running the Daytona 500 and Sergio was gagging one more golf tournament they were actually running a day long pre-game show for the Academy Awards. These are the neediest, most screwed up people God has ever put on the earth (including British Royalty). Hollywood has come up with a species which is simultaneously self-important and insecure – hence the need for all the awards shows.
I remember a time when you watched the Oscar’s because it was a special event. Watching Bob Hope or Johnny Carson host the evening always made it entertaining. I would even put Billy Crystal in that category but watching this nancy they have tonight or Ellen or even worse than that, Anne Hathaway and James Franco, makes you yearn for a day long Elvis film fest.
There has been a host in recent times who could make watching all these preening morons worthwhile – that was Ricky Gervais. He hosted the Golden Globes and he showed no mercy. How funny was it when he introduced Bruce Willis as Ashton Kutcher’s dad? Or said “I like to drink as much as the next guy… unless the next guy is Mel Gibson.” He ended up losing his job as host and in fact he may have been a little too rough even by Curmudgeon Corner standards.
This whole concept of acting as an “art” is just so much bullshit. For every Sir Laurence Olivier there are a thousand Steven Segal’s. My favorite movie ever is “Sunset Boulevard” with William Holden and Gloria Swanson. For some reason there is only one “Sunset Boulevard” while there are 6 Police Academies.
As I get older I am starting to remind myself of one of the characters at the now defunct Deweys – “Old John.” Old John hated just about everything and if you asked him why, his only response was that it was “STUUUPID!” I am starting to better understand Old John with each passing day.
Please come back next week when I explain why I hate the NBA.