Good Morning Imbibing Masses,
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ~Frank Sinatra
Drinking most of my adult life, I’m almost certain I’d be classified as an alcoholic functioning or not by those councilors leeching money off of DUI victims with forced attendance. To deny oneself of the utter joy of imbibing with friends, or even pounding doubles at home, would be tantamount to a prison sentence! I’m not going to insult the two or three of you reading this subfuscous notion by saying I drink to escape my problems… as all would know what a crock of shit that is, rather, I drink because I like it!
Now that we’ve put that question to rest we can get on with it.
Having spent a goodly portion of my free time drinking at a bar, and having been both a regular patron and a stranger, makes me uniquely qualified to “tell it like it is…” If one will stop blathering while seated next to another wanna-be football ‘guru’ parroting Jim Rome long enough to look around, you’ll likely see one or all three categories of patrons and are as follows:
“BABBLING IDIOT” – Not limited to any gender this person desperately needs to tell someone, and I mean anyone willing to engage them in conversation, just how smart they are. If one falls prey to these pie-eyed morons be prepared to be bested. If you’re into a wonderful relationship, he/she has been in one longer and more fulfilling than yours. If you radically sliced a golf ball two fairways over, he/she will have sliced one so badly it curved around like a boomerang landing just feet from the tee-box. It simply doesn’t matter what your experience has been the “Babbling Idiot’s” experience will be better, more extreme, or even worse than yours.
“SUFFERING FOOLS” – It’s been my experience these typically are young males filled with testosterone and doing shots of ‘Jägermeister’ or ‘Car- bombs’ and usually gather in groups or three to five. They become loud and obnoxious (not to be confused with ‘Curmudgeon Corner’) often times injecting Rap, Hip-hop, or worse Country music into the mix! As a general rule though, these morons don’t have unlimited dollars for pool and the jukebox so one is able to ‘outlast’ them.
“GADFLY” – These people tend to not have a personality let alone an original thought and will glom onto other groups that seem to be having intelligent witty conversations. Typically these nitwits will hang on the peripherals as to stay in ear-shot. Then when a random thought drifts into their feeble brains, without thinking they’ll insert themselves like a person with Turret’s Syndrome hoping they’ll be accepted. But most times they’re ignored by the others and looked at with scorn.
So whether you’re traveling this Holiday season or hanging around, take the time to deliver a valuable lesson. Next time you’re put upon by one or all of the above do what ‘Curmudgeons’ do….bitch-slap them into the New Year!