Good Morning Children of Efficacy,
The Bagwan has been troubled by world events, including the vicious random acts of violence in Ferguson, MO. Straight from the ‘Burning Bush’ the Bagwan has summoned we the ‘Unwashed’ to sit at his footstool. Please listen carefully….there’s no mistaking it……this my friends is the XI Commandments…version 2.8….enjoy:
Zuki showed up at the committee meeting this week with a whole box full of letters that were sent to me in care of the Diatribe. I thank you for your kind support and I will answer all the letters personally but in the meantime I will share a few of my answers here.
Dear Beloved Bagwan: We live here in Sasquatch country. We are all big fans of yours but think you are missing the boat when you say you don’t believe in Big Foot. Ted Bundy, our 10 year old Tabby, brought home an item that Mr. Gettes over at the High School has identified as a Big Foot anus. Bernard from Sammamish
Bernie, I am not going to deny the importance of the discovery of a well preserved sphincter, especially if it is large and gaping as you might expect from that type of creature. Speaking of sphincters, Zuki came back from last year’s office Christmas party with a Xerox copy of his. We should probably have Mr. Gettes take a look at that.
Bagwan, I am a 16 year old boy. I am obsessed with the thought of the Vagina. Is it really as evil as you say? Jeffrey from Columbus
Dear 16, the vagina is not evil at all, it is just the package which it comes in that is evil.
Bagwan, I have read all your stuff and it seems to me that you are a misogynistic piece of shit. Olive from Broomfield.
Mom, I think we should talk about this in private.
What do you say to people who question Zuki’s veracity? Ulf from Sweden
Well Ulf I am curious, is there a lot of that going on in Sweden?
Do you think that Just Joe regrets his vow of celibacy? Francis from the Vatican
I doubt he even remembers taking the vow; even so there have been no verified reports of any violations. I remember at the time thinking it was something of a redundancy.
We over here in Nevada are curious about your claim that God actually makes gambling bets. Does he ever share his tips? Randy from Sparks
There are some who claim to be able to talk to God directly and I know for a fact that Jimmy Swaggart does pretty well down at the track.
Dear Holy Man, I have a hunch that my wife is faking orgasms during our love making. Can they do that? Myron from Long Island
Absolutely Myron, in fact Zuki was telling me that the whole concept of the female orgasm is a myth – at least in his experience.
Baggie, I don’t feel like you have ever let us know your opinion on gays. Raoul from Frisco.
Raoul I, I certainly would never stand in the way of consenting adults but I don’t think I will ever understand the parades.
I just read your treatment about the changing meaning of words, do you have any examples? Morris from Cambridge
Yeah, how about this article from the June 10, 1953 edition of the Saturday Evening Post about newly elected Senator John F. Kennedy: “The Senate’s Gay Young Bachelor”
My dear Bagwan I can’t tell you how much I enjoy your wisdom. Do you ever get to North Dakota? Alma from Minot.
Alma, thanks for your kind words. During the summer Zuki assists me in my travelling campaign in the cause of temperance. Zuki appears with me at the lectures sitting on stage wheezing and staring at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes. He is sweating profusely, picking his nose, passing gas and making obscene gestures, while I point him out as an example of what over indulgence can do to a person. This summer we will only get as close as Bismarck, but I can promise you it will be well worth the drive down from Minot.