Good Morning Apostles of Happenstance,
Last Sunday was a beautiful morning. The air was filled with the sweet aroma of fresh dog shit mingled with just a smidge of stale beer. Not a cloud in the sky and found myself actually excited about stepping foot into a house of worship. You’re probably saying to yourself, “zuki in church? The end must be near!” I’m hip. Leaving my fortunes to chance has not been working out. Powerball has not been reliable, so I humbled myself to ask God about throwing me a bone. It was pretty much as I expected; stained glass, beautiful architecture and gardens, and filled with people seeking forgiveness. There was a lot of competition so I was prepared for sack cloth and ashes.
Dee-Dee and Buster showed up as planed and we enjoyed a mini-tailgate party of Bloody Mary’s and peanut butter cookies. Predictably Dee-Dee’s affinity for Vodka again reared its ugly head and began to pound BMs like it was the last days! She was trashed before we even went inside! Buster was not amused and got rubber leaving Dee-Dee in a huff.
The Bagwan was supposed to have joined us but was at the last minute unavoidably detained texting his apologies. I highly suspect his ego got in the way as he’s been heard to say, “Thou shalt not have any other Bags before me” and like a petulant child refused to take part in our brush with God.
We arrived a few minutes late but found seats at the back of a large auditorium that must seat close to 7,500 souls. The non-denominational Pastor was of the charismatic school of delivery and you could hear a pin drop! Everyone was dialed into the holy man’s words. He focused on ‘The Apostles’ Creed.’ Evidently put together around 100 AD, the creed expressed exactly what a Christian believes. His well rehearsed words riveted my attention to the stage as he went through it line by line.
Then he said something that snapped me out of it. At first I couldn’t fathom what I had just heard. I thought the good Pastor mentioned Lebowski more than once, but refused to allow this blasphemy to enter my head, so I leaned in closer to see if he’d say it again. He did. In fact he emphasized much of the script almost verbatim! I initially didn’t notice, but everyone was given a handout with the new Creed printed in calligraphy styling as if it was from Gutenberg’s Bible.
“…say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.” I had no idea the cult movement inspired by the film had worked its way into mainstream Christian doctrine! I guess I’ve been living in a cave and pardon my ignorance, but when did this happen? I’m sure those of you that embrace Christianity could provide us with a timeline as well as the leadership group adopting the re-wording of this important statement of faith. I’ve always maintained that my responsibility to the smattering few reading this forum is to not only document the inane, but to pass along breaking news as well. As a service to the two or three of you reading this epistle the following is a copy of ‘The New Apostles’ Creed:
I believe in Lebowski, Mother of Frogs,
The maker of suspicious frozen drinks that embody
Heaven and earth, and in ‘The Jesus’ his nemesis
through Immaculate conception; born to a hooker on 44th Ave.
He suffered under the yoke of persecution while watching
planes crash into the mountain.
Was crucified by Jackie Treehorn and was dead. He arose
on the third day relieved it was just a dream.
I believe ‘Dude’ was guided to Maude destined to beget
The chosen one, from thence shall judge the living and the dead.
I believe in White Russians.
My friends I know we’ve had an abundance of good natured debate as to the relevancy of ‘The Big Lebowski’ and don’t wish to diminish the fine points so eloquently presented by Just JOE, but given the “new shit that has come to light” it should be clear to all that one’s very salvation depends on adopting the New Apostles’ Creed, I think we “can close the file on this one.”