Happy Thanksgiving Plebeians,
As we zero in on another Thanksgiving…., you remember Thanksgiving don’t you? Pilgrims, “Native Americans,” Turkey, mashed potatoes & gravy, and let’s not forget Uncle Fred’s infamous stuffing. Perhaps you’ve already picked up on the sarcasm, but really? Now “Black Friday” is actually Thursday! Is nothing sacred?!
I can remember Uncle Fred before he lost his tongue in a tragic accident, he was gregarious and full of mischief always playing practical jokes and just generally full of life. After the accident and no longer having the ability to speak, he withdrew and prefers to keep to himself. Every time he tried to say something it always came out spittle laden and incomprehensible! He would try to articulate his words by using his mouth to sound out his words but unfortunately the sound he made would suggest to others that he was retarded. These made him feel foolish and felt it was simpler to hide and write what was on his mind.
Uncle Fred lost his tongue simply by answering an ad in ‘Hustler’ magazine. He saw a picture of a mini-rack looking devise designed to strengthen and enlarge one’s tongue, ideally to become a better muncher of carpet I suppose. He was very excited when it finally arrived in the mail. He removed it from the packaging careful not to destroy it as the instructions were printed on the back panel.
After reading the directions he anchored the device on the kitchen table using the suction cups attached to the frame. Inserting his tongue into the plastic tongue clamp he was able to tighten it down with four wing-nuts securing the end of the clamp to the small ratcheted crank and wire rope that would continue to pull on the tongue until too painful. The idea was to gradually make one’s tongue longer and stronger I guess until you could snag a fly at 15’ like some crazed lizard as well as drive your “special lady friend” to her ultimate orgasm.
Uncle Fred could see progress only after two weeks and decided to increase his sessions from one hour twice a week, to two hours daily! He told me his tongue was now able to extend a full 7 inches and wouldn’t be satisfied until he had 10 inches to give!
Then about two weeks ago Uncle Fred after spending 3 long hours absorbing Gin staggered home and immediately went to the tongue rack and was really cranking it hard. It appeared as though he was trying to add the remaining three inches in a single session. Tears were streaming down his face from the pain as he tried for one more ratchet. With tongue fully extended Fred nearly had his full weight straining to catch the next notch when out of the blue he sneezed.
Not the ordinary “choooo” bless you–mind you, but rather the fully inflated lungs shake your entire body sneeze launching snot and bits of things thrusting him forward and before he could relax his grip on the handle he accidently ripped his tongue right out of his head!!! I can’t comprehend the pain nor the shock of seeing one’s tongue hanging from a clamp dangling just above the floor pendulously moving back and forth on the wire. It was a bloody mess!
Nearly bleeding out Fred was rescued oddly enough by a pack of dogs that came in from the broken screen door in back. If things weren’t bad enough the dogs fought over the tongue until a large Doberman snatched it out of the clamp and ran from the six other dogs who were in hot pursuit. A neighbor saw the commotion and went in to find Fred unconscious. The tongue was never found.
Fred awoke to see a pretty nurse who had begun to change his bandages that covered most of his face. “UUUUhhhhU SSSSHHIC” The nurse gave Fred a pad of paper and a pencil so he could write….”How long have I been here?” “Five days”…she replied and asked him to hold still while she finished.
Fred eventually recovered physically, but was a train wreck emotionally and has been in counseling ever since. We see Uncle Fred most years at the family Thanksgiving dinner but don’t ask him allot of questions.
He now supports himself by performing reenactments of his horrible accident at ‘Ripley’s Believe it or Not.’ It’s the one located next to the ‘Wax Museum’ in Hollywood, CA. It’s a real crowd pleaser doing a matinee and a dinner show every day but Mondays using a rubber tongue, trained dogs, and fake blood. I recommend you take in the matinee as it’s easy to lose one’s appetite.
Now go and have a most excellent Thanksgiving and try and be grateful for what you have……and I’ll nod hello to Uncle Fred for you.