JUST JOE PLUNGES IN TO RESCUE DAWN…..bartender overwhelmed by vapors

Captain Shitman
Captain Shitman

Good Morning Children of the Corn,

Sometimes it’s easy to take the simplest of things for granted isn’t it?  Clean water, garbage collection, electricity, and enough food to eat are just a few of the more obvious things.  I’d wager all the money I have (not risking much) that the two or three of you reading this besmirching go about your day oblivious to the hundreds of people making ‘life’s rich pageant’ a bit easier.

What’s more amazing still is that some individuals will without pay or recognition insert themselves into someone’s life purely for altruistic reasons and are content with that.  Conversely though, the vast majority will only come to the rescue if there’s something in it for them.  It doesn’t necessarily have to be money as sometimes their reward is centered on getting attention which in my mind worst of the two.

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” ― George Carlin

Last evening I personally witnessed an act of kindness that will no doubt set altruism back 100 years!

Blondie’s is for the most part ramshackled.  The new Polish owner put money into TV’s and a nice sound system, but hasn’t spent a nickel to repair the cracked trim or the bar itself.  The tables and chairs as well as the bar stools are from the 1950’s and warped so badly it takes a dozen coasters to level the tables keeping them from wobbling, at least enough so that your drink won’t slide off.

The disrepair doesn’t end there either!  The dilapidation extends to the bathrooms where the toilet partition has been kicked off its side hinges and flaps out every time the door is opened.  The fixtures are continually snapped off and left unrepaired for months.  This is due primarily to Blondie’s clientele.  Every dirt-bag, nitwit, idiot, 40 year old skateboarder, moron, and shit-stain with access to light rail seem to converge at Blondie’s.  They’ve no idea why, but are compelled to arrive and ruin something.

The ramifications to the bar and its normal patrons that bathe regularly are at times severe.  One of the regular duties of the cook is to unclog the toilets after a simpleton drops a duce then clogs the receptacle with too much ass-wipe.  Rather than face up to their filthy deed and take care of it, they meekly close their tab and leave without a word!  The putrefaction taking place adds to the smell of urine creating a wonderful ambience while relieving oneself.

Instead of the cook who was MIA….poor Dawn (our most righteous bartender) went in the men’s bathroom plunger-in-hand to go one on one with the five pounds of shit floating atop the now heavily stained water.

One of the benefits of sitting at ‘Curmudgeon Corner’ is the proximity of the bathrooms.  Our fellow “committee member” Just JOE or JJ “if you’re into the brevity thing” kept opening the door so we could all watch Dawn in action.  It was clear she was having a tough time of it as the asshole that left it for her must have used the entire industrial roll….and despite her elbow grease would not budge.

JJ being the man of action he is threw caution to the wind and jumped into the fray.  My God….between JJ and Dawn it sounded like a couple of alley cats fighting!!  Weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth combined with the sound of kids playing in a wading pool I feared for their lives.  I asked Cush to save my seat and was just about to offer assistance when I heard the distinctive sound of a flushing toilet and the joyous cries of victory!  It was clear the two of them had vanquished their foes.

Bursting out the door plunger raised in celebration, JJ was filled with pride screaming “YEAH BABY!”  “YEAH BABY!” but unfortunately was completely unaware his shirt and sweater vest were soaked with the defiled unholy water.  I didn’t have the heart to point out the suspicious brown smudges on his face, as it was JJ’s moment of glory.


  • zuki

    Speaking for all the patrons that witnessed this act of heroism, Captain Shitman came through without even so much as a bow! I just wish he’d pick the chunks out of his hair before helping out in the kitchen…jeez.

  • bagwan1

    I knew JJ had quite a history of plugging up toilets but I had no idea he knew how to reverse the process. The man really knows his shit.