As I gazed out my window this morning the reality of the changing season became very clear. Someone had written something on my windshield. I couldn’t quite make it out from my vantage point so I donned my slippers, cinched up my robe, and walked outside. Some smart ass had etched out the crude sentence ‘YOU SUCK’ in the frosted glass. I thought about scraping the rude comment away but backed off. This expression was offered by someone up pretty early and felt compelled to scribble their feelings at the risk of being seen.
I suspect whoever it was has some sort of ax to grind but didn’t have the brass to confront me directly. It might have been a kid trying to be funny and I was only one of many recipients of the same message. But after examining the other cars parked street-side I was saddened to discover I indeed was the only car targeted. I can only think of one person that thinks I’m an asshole! Yah Yah….Shut up I know there’s more; let’s stick to the storyline shall we?
Back inside I grabbed another cup of coffee and tried to imagine why this woman has it in for me. The two or three of you reading this suppository may recall an earlier posting explaining how to get even with those pricks that allow their dogs to shit on your lawn. About six months ago I kept seeing fresh piles of doggy doo just a few feet from the sidewalk on my lawn. I never caught the culprit as I was still wrestling with the idea of getting up to face the day. Thinking of how best to pay this asshole back I came up with a stroke of genius!
Taking a full cup of melted bacon grease I drenched the entire pile of excrement with pork grease and set my alarm clock for the crack of dawn. I got up and quickly dressed positioning myself to witness the event. Sure enough a woman came strolling up with a big Labrador sniffing out the perfect spot for his morning dump. To my utter joy the dog made a bee-line for the aromatic pile of shit left the previous morning and in one inhaling gulp devoured the pile! The woman was mortified! I walked onto the front porch and demanded she allow her pooch to shit on her own lawn! She unrepentantly flipped me the bird but I’ve never seen another unholy turd since.
In this age of email, facebook, and internet dating it’s easy to understand how someone can live literally 20 years a mere 15 feet away from a neighbor and not say two words to each other! I marvel at how commonplace this is. I left the crude message to dissolve and melt with the morning sun. After all this could possibly be this persons attempt to reach out and actually communicate so I need to be sensitive to this. I don’t know where this woman lives or how big her husband may be so there’s no way to scratch out a windshield note in response. So I fashioned a note from a cardboard box flap and attached it to my radio antenna so she couldn’t miss it and said the following:
DEAR LADY WITH LAB:
While I appreciate your efforts to keep your dog from defiling my lawn, but your puny efforts to insult me fell dramatically short. When you say I suck, you leave me no idea as to what is to be sucked. Your fragmented sentence has no context. Suck air? Suck smoke? Is it possible for you to be specific?