ONCE UPON A TIME……bagwan decides to write a real story

Ernie pours a stiff one
Ernie pours a stiff one

Good Morning Heidi Fleiss (Gratuitous reference)  Wherever You Are,

Well let’s see….first of all I enjoy Bagwan’s ramblings and NEVER scolded him for not using the more traditional rules of story writing.  In fact after today’s thinly disguised lashing I may insist he go back to rambling.  That said, and speaking for the two or three of us that ingested this bug, we’re truly grateful for Bagwan’s further truth & light.   Please enjoy:

I got in trouble with Zuki last week for my random musings about talcum powder. While he reluctantly posted my effort he scolded me for not upholding the high standard of the Diatribe where all stories must have a beginning, middle and ending like a three act play. I listened attentively and then carefully articulated my position — “SHUT UP!”

Not wanting to get involved in a dick-waving incident I sat down at the IBM Selectric (if you are under 40 ask your mom) and tried to compose one of those tight knit Zuki type stories. It turns out that my life is so boring that most of my stories barely have a beginning much less a middle or an ending. I was faced with having to either steal from someone else’s life or just make something up. I decided to just make it up and create a fictional character who we will call Mike.


It all started where in one week he met two women willing to tolerate his “come here often” opening line. They both gave off serious bi-polar signs and Mike was left to choose the one he thought least likely to kill him in his sleep. Mike chose Maureen, a relatively attractive, post-menopausal pain in the ass. Mike shared all the details with me at a Monday Floor Committee meeting. Right from the start I couldn’t help but thinking about what Whoppi Goldberg’s mother said the day of her birth — “This is going to get ugly.”


Well they hit it off famously. They would meet at Red Lobster for the Early Bird Specials and then go for short walks on the banks of the Platte River. She got him to address some deferred maintenance health issues and, while it lightened his wallet considerably, it put a spring in his step and a sparkle in his smile.

Now I don’t want to represent that all was perfect here. As is that gender’s wont she completely destroyed his routine — especially that part about hanging out with his buddies and getting drunk every day.  Men seem to be willing to accept women as they find them but women always have a not so short list of changes they need to make in their male companions.

Of course Mike was able to put up with all this as long as he was able to view it as foreplay. And so it was because their sex life flourished, at least considering the various genital challenges of their age group.


Unfortunately it was that very sex life which leads to the end of our story. During the “act of love” at the height of her ecstasy Maureen screams out, “You’re an animal Just Joe.” It was more than Mike could take and he stomped out leaving his khakis and boxers behind. There were a couple of attempts at reconciliation but in the end Mike just couldn’t forgive or forget.

He did recently send her a Hallmark card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you are still here.”

Footnote: all the characters mentioned here are fictional characters and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.


  • zuki

    I’ll take all of the above! I deny nothing!

  • zuki

    I appreciate the bold text that directed us through each section….that was very courteous. I’m scared to death the story might be true in spite of using fictional characters. “I got information–new shit has come to light and–shit, man!

    • bagwan1

      You might be on to something about part of this story being true,
      The “Just Joe” being an animal rings true with a handful of bartenders in the greater Littlewood area.
      Are you prepared to declare which is stranger — truth, fiction or whatever Zuki said.

  • bagwan1

    I just wish this story was not true … even though everyone is still fictional.