LIFE’S RICH PAGEANT IS AN S.O.P……..zuki discovers loophole

These make great door stops
These make great door stops

Good Morning Tillers of Cerebral Soil,

Given that I’m rarely on the road these days, my work centers on today’s cubicle oriented society at ‘the office’.  Generally I blend in, do my thing, and rarely does anyone micro-manage me or even notice what I’m doing. However, what I’m facing presently is disturbing in a corporate way of life. Probably not a huge deal to most corporate slaves, but our little company like all ISO (International Organization for Standardization) driven companies work and operate according to self-applied S.O.P. manuals.

What a pain! This thing dictates procedures for every process including how to change a procedure. This Pantheon of policy is housed in four six-inch binders! While informative, I’m sad to say that for the most part it has replaced common sense and is now subject to today’s bloodletting.

I had an epiphany of sorts and discovered a much better way for sales people to qualify for commissions paid only once per month. I know the sales guys very well, and this particular rash is a source of irritation as ‘procedure’ will often times be responsible for missing payment deadlines! Not that I have much experience with commissions of late, but never-the-less my idea would allow sales people to be paid faster, and in most cases the same month the sale occurs instead of in arrears.

When I brought this up to my VP of Sales, he directed me to the S.O.P. manual for the proper procedure to alter or change existing company policies. The  @^**&! Forms would take me a week to fill out! What ever happened to the suggestion box? Having said this though, I’m sure in his own warped sense of things he thinks he’s teaching me a valuable lesson.

Like the two or three of you still reading this cark, I’ve got plenty to do while at work, so this little project took a while.  I can hear you saying, “zuki, why are you slaving over this when you haven’t seen a commission check in years”?  I’m hip. I may be committing professional suicide; then again it may expose this scab as the drain on morale it is.  Hopefully not both!

The effort will make me a hero to the field reps, plus I’ve discovered a loophole. In the 8-page change of procedure form I found that existing commission rates were actually written in pencil.  I’m guessing simply because the commission structure changes every three weeks.  Not only did I change the methodology, I also gave the sales crew a raise!

My little company of 120 employees is guided by and worships the god S.O.P.  They never think about it, they just ‘do it’ because S.O.P. says so.  This includes accounting and payroll, so we should see the results on the next paycheck. I’m sure it’ll be noticed at some point, but didn’t want to wait six months for management approval so I took matters into my own hands.  It’s just a matter of time before they see the VP of Sales signature was forged.

All hell will break loose.

If you’ve read this far, then you must abide by the “code of the road”. This solemn oath was in place long before “what happens here stays here” got hip. I know they’ll suspect me, but there’ll be no smoking gun. I’ll get away with this if we’re all discrete. God Bless You.


  • zuki

    Hummmmmmmm you may have a point…..”And on the third day they rolled away the stone from the sepulcher and zuki was gone!” It may be time to duplicate this escape around Christmas time…

  • bagwan1

    I gather that breaking the rules has worked out so well for you that you have decided to share the benefits with your co-workers.
    I assume you have timed this so that the commission charge-backs will hit right around Christmas.