CHERNOBYL WAS AN INCREDIBLE BOAR…..blondie’s goes to all natural fare

"That's a beautiful animal Vern"
“That’s a beautiful animal Vern”

Good Morning Calvous Diners,

If you’re like me, (and God forbid you are) you love bacon.  Anything with bacon in it is nearly always better.  I hate Asparagus but tried a dish a couple weeks ago that had bacon in a cream sauce poured over the Asparagus and it was almost palatable!

I read an article the other day about large numbers of German Boars which are harvested and sold as a delicacy as being radioactive.    “They are believed to be a legacy of the Chernobyl nuclear accident in 1986, when a reactor at a nuclear power plant in then Soviet-ruled Ukraine exploded, releasing a massive quantity of radioactive particles into the atmosphere.”

Given nuclear fallout has a half-life of hundreds of years it makes me wonder what else has been contaminated.  Nearly a third of the wild boars killed had double the amount of radiation considered dangerous to humans.

“Wild boar is thought to be particularly affected because they root through the soil for food, and feed on mushrooms and underground truffles that store radiation. Many mushrooms from the affected areas are also believed to be unfit for human consumption.”

After reading this sad news my heart immediately started pounding; seemingly hell bent on escaping its confines and through my chest!  Amazingly the above is exactly how Blondie’s maintains its menu!!!…. With the exception of their world famous “Steak Tartare” all of their food is dug or rooted up through the soil.  Every day Gee Gadbwaugh and the new cook take little red wagons and a few garden tools to collect enough mushrooms and roots for the day’s menu.  Proudly advertising as “Fresh” WE COULD ALL BE DYING OF RADIATION POISONING!!!

I’ve asked Sam (the Polish owner) to bring in a Geiger counter so his patrons can be sure they won’t glow in the dark.  He immediately dismissed my suggestion as sophomoric nonsense!  This of course couldn’t be further from the truth and insisted he allow a thorough examination of his ‘tubers,’ and ‘nightshades.’

Sam was not amused.

Amused or not, the resulting aftermath now requires all kitchen staff to wear Hazmat suits when preparing Vichyssoise and insists it is always to be served cold!  As an extra precaution Sam now requires capsules of Atropine to be placed on every dish.  This policy has minimized the number of emergency Gastric lavage’s performed and largely responsible for being featured in the prestigious ‘Bon Appetit’ Magazine!

Congratulations Blondie’s and crew!  That’s making lemonade out of lemons…..but remember to scrub down after your shift.


  • zuki

    Armando hurt himself trying to take the stairs in one leap….JJ’s Bronco jersey caught the rail stopping all momentum impaling Armando’s ‘Johnson’ area. Blondie’s has suspended the ‘Safe Ride Home’ program and launched an investigation.

  • bagwan1

    Kitchen staff compensation is based on JJ getting home safely and having BM’s that don’t glow. Armando and Julio made enough last year to bring in 5 more of their cousins which will end up being net 7 after the girls give birth.
    Getting Cush home is a different story