big JohnsonGood Morning Victims of Swagger,

I trust everyone had a reasonably restful weekend free of stains and odors….particularly on the up-stroke.  I wanted to take this opportunity to thank the Bagwan for his posting.  I for one now check my shirt tails prior to tucking it into my pants.  Not just shits stains mind you, but for spiders and scorpions as well.  One can’t be too careful.

The world of “Apps” and mobile devices continue to stagger the mind!  According to this article (see link) Chubby Checker is suing HP for using his name on an App they developed to measure the male ‘Johnson.’  This absolutely defies believability!  Yet one can’t make these things up!

According to the ‘App’ maker’s website here’s the pitch:


“Ever wonder what’s your friend or boyfriend’s penis size? Ever wonder who has bigger? It’s not sick, it’s totally normal! Most people wonder about those things, but too shy to simply compare or to use a regular ruler on your boyfriend.

Here comes this great application to help you and your friends! The interactive ruler in this application will measure it using the scientific process known as photogrammetry to determine penis length.”

The App is free so I loaded it up and tested it against a previous measurement done by Christine on my erect ‘Johnson’ using a standard plastic ruler to compensate for the upward curvature.  The 8 ½ inches has since offered me confidence knowing my female guests were well taken care of.  After three separate measurements by the App, it not only confirmed the original mark but averaged an additional ¼ inch!  I was very pleased.

Curious to know whether or not my “Johnson” could be a subject worthy of braggadocio I brought it to ‘Curmudgeon Corner.’  At first everyone was reluctant to put themselves in a position of revealing their true measurements–given the years of lying about it, but finally relented.  One by one each curmudgeon traveled to the bathroom and in a few minutes returned posting the results.

Meanwhile Dawn and the serving staff were making side bets.


While the results were disturbing….they also offered a bit of comic relief and is as follows:

  1. JJ – 3.7 inches……we went ahead and rounded up for a solid 4 inches
  2. Roger the ‘Hairdresser’ – came back with a whopping –  4.3 inches but said it was a lie!
  3. Dv’ant returned with a negative number?  He measured three times but all returned with a  -2”
  4. Sonny threw my cell phone back walking out in a huff….mumbling about “having no complaints”
  5. The Bagwan refused the test claiming it was evil and needed more truth & light.
  6. Cush was in the bathroom the longest.  In tears he returned the phone.  The App said, “No available data”

I continue to marvel at the exponential growth of technology and how it improves our lives.  It’s good to know ones limitations as well.  In the case of our little experiment above, squelching  the daily bullshit claims affirming the size of some moron’s “Johnson,” God bless technology as I suspect that’s over!



  • nphippen

    Ahh, the internet. A beautiful, marvel of technology. I believe there is a study somewhere that correlates the amount of time on the internet it takes before one comes across their father bragging about his hog. I thinks the average is 18 days. Now… I’m just another statistic.

    • zuki

      I’m awfully sorry about that son……In the scheme of things though 18 days is a lifetime! Think of it this way: You’re no longer a virgin! You can walk proudly knowing the genetic pool served you well!

      • bagwan1

        It’s always the little ones who get hurt.

  • zuki

    Normally the Bagster speculates with little information and his intuitive nature and is right enough times to cling to his Bagwan moniker. The Troll spells her name Cristine were as my spelling was Christine in reference to the I called out after the big O instead of Colleen….who took the measurement….jeez

  • bagwan1

    Zuki mentions that he had a previous measurement done by a “Christine.” This jumped out at me because just a couple of months ago he shared another sexual story which involved someone name Christine. This is interesting because according to JJ the only Christine Zuki knows is the little troll down at the art studio who lets Zuki use her kiln.
    Makes you wonder if Zuki’s clay is the only thing getting hard in Christine’s “kiln.”