Marzuki Online

Archive for category zealots

THE MASTER VISTS “THE MASTERS”….zuki struts his stuff…. sort of

Jan 27

Posted by Marzuki in Bigotry, curmudgeon, Golf, Masters, Mr. Hankey, Road Trip, zealots | 6 Comments

Good Morning Hootie Johnson Wherever You Are,

In the ever widening technical gap between youth and curmudgeon-dom, there was a small but significant victory for those struggling with continual flashing 12:00’s.  Working for a high-tech company forever on the leading edge presents an ongoing challenge for this observer of things.  For those of you not aware of my current employment dilemma, I’ve submitted a plan to increase our market share among less populated cities utilizing a number of federal grant programs.  The younger sales force, several of which were hired by me some 13-15 years ago, has complained about my plan, crying these smaller departments are not worthy of their valuable time.  Considering their collective dismal year in 2011 they have little to stand on.  It’s time to do something different!

Our Product Manager and I were sent to what would be a typical location in my grand scheme to organize and execute a sales presentation to three county and five city (7,000 largest population of five) police departments.  We were to assess and report back.  This morning when I arrived for work, there were two email messages from this abbreviated list asking for formal quotes totaling $9,895.00!!  I was pleased to say the least!

Our Representative who only lives two hours away, declined to show up.  I suspect it was his way of thumbing his nose at my plan but ultimately it did not serve him well.  Not only did the new accounts become house accounts with zero commissions but was put on probation for his f-ing job…long overdue if you ask me!  I’VE BECOME THE MESSINGER OF DEATH!!

Having the mettle and wherewithal to conciliate small town Georgia law enforcement brought about an ebullience I’ve not felt for some time.  With a sense of purpose we made our way to Augusta National Golf Course; home of “The Masters” one of the major tournaments played by professional golfers.  The place is a conservative institution where decorum is paramount; it is a place where traditions and the integrity of the game are jealously guarded.  In short one the last bastions of bigotry that segregates financially; covering their collective asses.  

As we approached the course it became clear this hallowed ground developed by the legendary Bobby Jones is in fact a barbed wired compound with armed guards at every entry point.  It’s like having a beautiful couch but covered in plastic.  You can see the beauty but can’t feel and inhale the luxury.  We were forced to park in one of several overflow lots and cross a busy street.  Once at the “Member Entrance” the large Black man guarding the entry looked at his watch, and without looking up told me I had three minutes to take my ‘photo op.’  This explains the above photo.

Knowing the Augusta National Golf Club to be what it is DID NOT dampen my victory lap at the office though, and strutted around telling my fellow workers and execs “The old man still has it!”  I’ll have to tone it down today as I suspect it’s become a bit over the top.  Even though the immediate order was probably a fluke occurrence, I’m sticking to my story!

zuki

JUST ONE MORE TEBOW RELATED THING….zuki spills his beer

Jan 18

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Bagwan, Beer, Blathering, Drunken sloppy, Football, God, Jesus, Old People, Tebow, zealots | 12 Comments

Good Morning Prophets of Profligacy,

Never being one to lavish praise upon my own head, I’m somewhat reluctant to unfold this small mishap.  But given the events of this weekend I feel it’s relevant.  While some of you, you know, the two or three of you reading this outrance know me to possess a keen eye for detail and carefully examine all options, when in reality my consequences are random at best.  This was never more apparent than last weekend.  We mountain folk had worked ourselves into a frothy’d frenzy that bordered on lunacy watching time crawl to the Bronco’s 6:30 start.  You could witness “Tebow-ing” in every parking lot and restaurant in town!  I even saw proud parents watch their prodigy(s) mimic “adults” and provide their own version.  It was sad really.  Never-the-less the excitement filled the air and all public places saw old and new  jersey’s worn and “GO BRONCO’S!” replaced the typical “see you later” as if this would be enough to carry the day.  Unfortunately, these people really did believe God would finish what young Tebow had started.  In my 60 plus rotations I’ve never seen anything quite like it.

As you may have read over the last two weeks I enjoy making sport of this sort of blind and in this case misguided hero worship.  Certainly if you’ve followed this forum for a while I take plenty of ribbing if not direct shots to the groin now and then, but I wasn’t prepared to be physically accosted for a minor ‘truth in jest’ comment directed at one of these morons.

I was at Appleby’s having lunch cashing in one of several gift cards received this Xmas, and as I always do sat at the small bar.  It quickly got crowded so the bar became a 2nd option for seating and eventually made room for an older couple (older than me).  I had finished my cardboard with sweet & sour sauce and was nursing an ice cold beer when Helen (wearing her #15 – ‘Jesus’ jersey) introduced herself by asking me if I had prayed for Timmy to have a good day.  But before I could respond Helen launched into a stream of consciousness rambling about Tebow’s righteous example to our youth, his football prowess, and his eventual place in the “Ring of Fame.”  It was clear her husband Frank didn’t share in her enthusiasm as he’d roll his eyes behind her so only I could see.  I couldn’t help it.  Frank’s rolling eyes and mocking hand gestures simulating her babbling caused me to blow beer out of my nose and onto Helen’s prized jersey! It was only a few drops and easily absorbed by a napkin but my continued chortling must have set her off. 

 I thought I’d lighten the moment with a comment about Tebow being God’s other son and would forgive such a minor indiscretion thinking we’d all get a good chuckle; I was mistaken!  The syrupy sweet smile was immediately replaced by a loathing wish you were dead look, and got off her stool.  Snagging her purse Helen blindsided me on the top of my head causing me to spill the half a beer onto the floor and broke the mug.  “You smug son of a bitch” she screamed and took another swing at me only this time I was able to grab the purse and took it from her.  This only served to further enrage her and in a flailing of her little fists she once again came at me.  Frank and the Manager finally overcame their shock and came to my rescue.  Frank in a bear-hug move grabbed his wife around the stomach and pulled her away still kicking and swinging at me.  She finally calmed down and apologized to the Manager.  However, upon their exit Helen turned around and flipped me the bird. 

I happily waved goodbye

zuki

GOD LOVES TEBOW…AGAIN….zuki finds solace in wishy-washy

Jan 9

Posted by Marzuki in Bagwan, Beer, Blind people, curmudgeon, Darwin Award, Drunken sloppy, Football, God, Heaven, Hell, Jesus, Judgement Day, Preminition, Tebow, Virgins, zealots | 22 Comments

Good Morning Believers,

Who’d have thunk it possible?  The ‘Bagster?’  Noooooo.  Fez?  Noooooo.  Pittsburgh?  Nooooooo.  Your host?  Hell Nooooooo!

Just when I resigned myself to believe Mr. Tebow’s career was a fluke of nature, there he goes again!  In a stunning upset our beloved Bronco’s beat the Steelers in overtime.  Even the doubters and haters had to admit Tebow’s performance even as a passer was stellar. 

I realize the young man’s career as a quarterback may yet be relegated to ‘sheer luck’ and the Steelers were pretty banged up, but fan or no it was one of the most entertaining games I’ve seen since the Jet’s beat the Colts in Super Bowl III.

Can they beat the ‘Crown Prince’ Brady and the Patriots?  If I was a betting man, the smart money would say no.  However, if was to throw common sense out the window and bet the farm with sentiment, I’d return atop the bandwagon.  I have a feeling though the fairytale ends in Foxboro, MA  next Saturday but win or lose this will be a season to remember!

zuki

“HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS”….zuki hunkers down

Dec 22

Posted by Marzuki in Beer, Blues, Children, Christmas, Guilt Ridden, Hunker Down, Mr. Hankey, Nipples, Poo, Prep H, Rectal Eclispe, Santa, Thankful, Winter, zealots | 4 Comments

Good Morning Holiday Revelers,

I was channel surfing looking for something intelligent if not interesting to watch when I happened upon a “South Park” Christmas Special.  I idled there to see what it was about.  The show was an odd version of a ‘best of’ program only this time it was being hosted by “Mr. Hankey” a beloved turd with (this is for you JJOOAA) anthromorphical characteristics.  Dressed in a Santa hat and scarf ‘Mr. Hankey’ commented on his many appearances on the show; most of which were of questionable taste (pardon pun).

This Christmas will be much like Mr. Hankey’s trip down memory lane.  I’m traveling to Utah to spend some time with my parents and siblings with hundreds of nieces and nephews who don’t know me.  It’s inevitable that I’ll scare the shit out of one of them and create a scene.  Okay okay I can just here you now, “Dah zuki, why shouldn’t they be treated like the rest of us?”   I’m hip.   

I don’t want to leave the impression that I’m dreading the trip, however I’m having second thoughts about turning down my youngest son’s offer to stay home and get hammered with the old man Christmas day.  Honestly, I’m sort of excited about the trip.  I don’t see my family all that much, as I continue to point out that the road runs both ways.  Yet, if I didn’t make the effort I’d never see them.  The sentiment of family, tradition, and a good meal is a blessing I suppose but I always feel guilty when my thoughts turn to how fast I could leave.  Unfortunately I’m always thinking about “Getting the hell out of Dodge!”

My presents have been made.   I utilized my studio to make plaster handprints for everyone.  If you don’t get one don’t be too harsh.  Sometimes they get lost or broken thanks to our bankrupt U.S. Postal service.   Call me paranoid but I believe when you mark a package ‘FRAGILE’ the handlers take pride if not pleasure out of tossing the box around flippantly doing the exact opposite.  But let’s not dwell on the negative, because after all it’s Christmas!  It’s the one time out of the year when even though it’s all about me, I also think of others. 

It doesn’t have to be grandiose gestures or rose pedals, rather its things like opening a door for someone, throw a couple bucks in the kettle, buy a round of drinks, tip your waitress 100%, or something as simple as an empty compliment;  “That’s a lovely dress you’re wearing Mrs. Cleaver.”  All these things tend to brighten the lives of those you’ve encountered. 

This all said, deep down inside I just want to get it over with and be done.  So from all of us at the ‘Diatribe’ we wish you and yours a reasonably well executed Christmas celebration.  But if Christmas or your particular holiday such as Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or some other pagan man-made ritual gets ruined, please don’t come crying to me because I told you so!

MERRY F-ING CHRISTMAS!

zuki

GOD ABANDONS TEBOW….margo makes call for reinforcements

Dec 20

Posted by Marzuki in Art, Bagwan, Blathering, Christmas, Cod Piece, Crying, Football, God, Jesus, Sackcloth & Ashes, Santa, Tebow, Virgins, zealots | 5 Comments

Good Morning Inveigled Few,

Well well well….The porcellous and often times acrimonious relationship between management and player was never more apparent than in last Sunday’s humiliating loss to New England.   Our beloved ‘Donkey’s’ lead by the young warrior Tebow evidently showed up without Margo’s angels while God turned his back on the “Whippersnapper.” I don’t pretend to know the mind of God or the Bagwan for that matter, but I suspect it was to teach Timmy a lesson in humility.  That said Mr. Elway was not amused.  I don’t know how many of you saw the TV cameras quick glimpse into Elway’s seat, but he could be seen ripping several pages of what appeared to be legalese while staring at his young Quarterback as if to send a message!

Never mind we coughed up the ball on three consecutive possessions deep in our own territory, it was a God-less game.  The Anti-Christ Brady and his thieving hoards danced on our collective heads with impunity!  Where was the drama?  The last minute heroics did not materialize testing the faith of fickle fans everywhere particularly those who’ve bought the number 15 Jesus Jersey.   In just one game Tebow has demonstrated his frailties as a mortal.  Those that believed he could walk on water went home and kicked their dogs blaming the defense or the coaching staff, yet oddly they’re still willing to put their collective trust in St. Timothy; for now anyways.

We mountain folk don’t take to losers and are quick to judge then throw the bums out.  In my 60 plus rotations I’ve never seen a love affair quite like the one Denver is having with T.T.  He’s demonstrated his grit and ability to forgive a forearm to the mouth, but the angels better not abandon Timmy again.  One more dull and lifeless performance and I promise you’ll see Denver’s idiots and fanatics weeping, wailing, and gnashing their teeth calling for heads to roll!

It’s a far cry from JJOOAA’s beautiful ode to Tebow as we witnessed our hero sobbing on the sidelines.  “THERE’S NO CRYING IN FOOTBALL!” 

The two or three of you reading this cacophony of clucks need to take five from your busy day for a moment of silence and pray that God will get back on the Tebow bandwagon; it’s truly our only hope.

zuki