APPARENT DOUBLE SUICIDE SHOCKS LITTLEWOOD
Dateline: Littlewood, Colorado July 8, 2011
The gristly discovery early this morning of two dead bodies at Littlewood’s premier tourist attraction has this normally tranquil town in upheaval.
Doors were being bolted for the first time in decades, and the local chapter of the Deviant Curmudgeon Society has called an emergency meeting to explore the formation of Vigilante “Visitors.”
Meanwhile, Sheriff Joseph R. A. Piehole tried to calm the fears of nervous L-Woods by announcing that all initial indications point to a double suicide… perhaps even the result of a self-infliction pact… and not due to any foul play.
The recently-hired night watchperson at Littlewood’s infamous Hall of Shame (who asked to remain “Anonymous”) stated that, while in the course of his normal rounds, he discovered the bodies in the Hall’s recently-remodeled “Gallery of Goof & Gall” around 3 am.
“I didn’t touch a f***ing thing,” he swore, “and immediately called 911… even used my very own personal cell… it’s a top-of-the-line iPhone 4… a real thing of beauty… ‘cause if I hadn’t, I would’ve had to walk all the way back to the reception lobby to use our land line… would’a taken an extra 3 minutes… I have always tried to do MOI best when it comes to dealing with law enforcement… what MOI being a former TSA Agent an’ all… so I knew time was of the essence!”
Sheriff Piehole identified the victims as Only OHLAFF (aka O.O.), sought since last month as an “object of interest” by investigators for the Just-Less League; and a female, Only OLGAH, who was apparently cloned by/from Only OHLAFF in a desperate attempt to comply with The Bagged ONE’s (O.O.’s former spiritual sponsor) expiatory exhortation to “go f*** yourself!”
Some details have emerged: Only OHLAFF is accused of “aiding and/or abetting” Just JACKWAGON (aka J.J.), frequent fugitive, notorious bon vivant, raucous raconteur, and all-around “Good Joe.” He is described as a “disarming and dangerous” escapee from a Witless Protection Programmer “treatment facility” just south of High Anus Port, SC.
No motive for the deaths was readily available, but Sheriff’s Deputies’ evidence logs listed: several box scores from recent Colorado Rockies games; an A-P-B Warrant for O.O. to report for questioning about the current whereabouts of J.J.; a crumbled-up “NO MAS Agreement;” pregnancy-test results (“POS”) from Unplanned Parenthood; approximately 3 fluid ounces Maker’s Mark whiskey remaining in a half-gallon bottle; an empty Coors Light “suitcase;” and numerous crushed aluminum cans.
Final details will be released in the Medical Examiner’s report, but death by asphyxiation remains the likely cause, given the neatly-knotted Winn-Dixie plastic bags affixed around the victims’ heads. This reporter speculates that a suicide pact was, indeed, enacted… and that they mutually and simultaneously tied each other’s instruments of infliction… perhaps after sharing one last kiss.
Friends contacted by this reporter stated that recently Only OHLAFF had been acting despondent and moody to those he normally would have totally ignored or would have shown nothing but disdain and contempt for.
“He had just returned from a month-long road trip that O.O. called a ‘vacation,’” offered ZUKI, a self-described “concerned friend” and volunteer pall bearer, adding “but, answer me this, who in the hell drives 8,000 miles all ’round the South-East in the middle of Summer?!… let alone on vacation?!?!?!”