Marzuki Online

Archive for category Road Trip

TECHNOLOGY REARS IT’S UGLY HEAD….zuki has meltdown

Feb 17

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Airlines, curmudgeon, Get on the Bus, Hell, I-Phone, Karma, Mardi Gras, Meltdown, Old People, Road Trip, Stupid, Technology, Texting | 6 Comments

Good Morning Steve Jobs Wherever You Are,

In this world of gadgetry and slick electronics designed to streamline one’s life it’s hard to imagine a world without this magic.  I remember vividly pounding out 50 words per minute on an old Underwood typewriter.  Remember ‘White Out?’ It made typing much easier with a clean copy free of strikethroughs and marveled at such a simple idea.   None of my children would recognize a typewriter.  Curmudgeons in general try to keep up with the latest technology and swell with pride when we figure out how to use an ‘Ap’ on our ‘Smart Phones.’ But most are like me; flashing 12:00s on all appliances, universal remote controls dumbfound us, phones that double as a camera, and MP3 players that can hold more songs than all of us know combined tend to escape the curmudgeonus ones.  Give us something we can wrap our collective arms around, you know, something like a truck or car, now there’s something we can handle!

I had the great opportunity to travel to New Iberia, LA (home of Tabasco Sauce) on business and was accompanied by my camera man Vinny.  For the two or three of you reading this flounce Vinny is the official videographer of the ‘Diatribe.’  He is also the holder of a company Visa card therefore responsible for our travel expenses; in particular hotels and rental cars.  Getting off the plane in Baton Rouge we were immediately taken in by the 75 degree humidity free air.  I felt rejuvenated as I stuffed my leather jacket into my bag and rolled up my sleeves.  The ‘mountain folk’ were basking in 35 degree bluster.  While I watched for our equipment cases to arrive, Vinny walked to the Hertz counter and selected a cute little Mazda that had an electronically controlled 4-speed auto/manual transmission with slope control.  However, this wonderful feature came as a surprise to our Vincent.

Vinny is all business behind the wheel and generally drives 10 to 20 mph slower than the irritated traffic flow.  He managed to find reverse and we at last were on our way! Unfortunately when he gave it some gas he redlined the engine but could only manage 4 mph.  Lurching forward then stopping then forward, and then stopping etc…  Vinny began to panic and I began to laugh hysterically.  Like a mad man he slapped, clicked, pulled, pressed, and violently shook the stick until accidentally he found the proper slot and we were free of low gear.  It reminded me of the day I taught my daughter to drive using a manual transmission and clutch, our little Honda was never the same.  It took me a bit to regain my composure.

Earlier in the week I got an I-Phone 4 and proved I also was not immune to a technology meltdown.  My alarm sounded reminding me to call a local Pizza place to arrange for delivery to those attending our sales presentation.  I had written all the information necessary on the reminder but soon discovered I lacked the technical ability to multi-task.  The least little breath on an icon will cause the screen to change losing what I had so frustratingly found.  Trying to use my I-phone was bad enough, but when you combine that with the depth of stupidity of those I was trying to order from staggers the mind, and after the 8th attempt I lost it.  I grabbed the phone as if it was the moron at the other end and choked it shaking it back and forth screaming a line of profanity at the illiterate footle on the other end.  While it accomplished nothing, I felt much better.

Yes technology is a good thing overall, but I contend it’s a double edged sword.  As Vincent as well as I demonstrated, we can embrace new technology, but only after a humiliating display of incompetence.

zuki

POWERBALL PAYS IN KONA DIVIDENDS…..zuki says so long

Feb 13

Posted by Marzuki in Airlines, Angry Bartenders, Bagwan, bastards, Beer, brain dead, Bucket List, Changes, Fine Dining, Foie Gras, French Dip, Humpty Hump, Kona, Live Happily Everafter, Mardi Gras, Nipples, Road Trip, sperm, Thankful | 8 Comments

Good Morning Suffering Masses,

I wanted you good people to be the first to know. I hit the Powerball numbers last night! While I had to split it 32 ways $10.5 million should cover my remaining days on this rock.  Life as I know it no longer makes sense. Oh I’ll be around from time to time, as I have substantial history here. But let’s face it; Kona is damn pleasant this time of year, or any time of year for that matter.  

I’ve already sent my children ahead to locate the perfect spot for old Dad. While I have the final say of course, my eldest son is in charge. I got the pic yesterday afternoon and the view posted is first on their list. In the meantime though, I’ve reserved “Huggo’s on the Beach” for my extended family and moronic associates. I’m flying the Hooter’s girls in from Honolulu to assist the local wait staff as well as a few “professionals.”  I’ve rented it out for a week; March 17th through the 24th.   You should be receiving your tickets/hotel reservations within the week, so don’t kill or hide from the delivery guy.   

Don’t hold back. Really, I won’t be happy until everyone pukes! I’ve employed full Para-medic services, and have secured a chopper to stand-by.  I intend for this party to be epic! There’ll be ‘roast beast’, Shrimp (double dipping is allowed), all manner of cheese with the appropriate wines. A WEEK LONG OPEN BAR! Did I mention we’d have an open bar? In return, I must insist on mandatory attendance the first day to witness a ceremonial jigger melting that is essentially our official ‘opening.’ I’m sorry but I won’t budge on this one!

Accoutrements suitable for the occasion are of course optional. “Tell them what they’ve won Johnny!” As an added bonus, those of you that manage to outlast ole Marzuki will have the option of staying an additional week and be an honored guest at my Kona housewarming party! This will be followed by brunch at the Four Seasons Resort, Hualalai where you and your guest will stay the remaining week.  

There’s one more requirement I must impose on you good people. This will be on the final evening and will have an air of solemnity to it.  You may have already guessed it; shit, you have haven’t you? This party will more than likely be the last time I see many of you, and I wanted to leave a lasting impression; something you could pass along to the grandkids. I will ask everyone to arrive at Huggo’s in formal attire, raise a flute of Dom, and hear the tale of “The Clean Spot” as told by yours truly. For some of you, this may be a deal-breaker and I hope under the circumstances, you’ll choose wisely. Because the entire soiree will last ten days, then it’s back to the mainland for the lot of you while zuki breaks out the hammock.

For future reference, there’s no need to make advanced arrangements, you’re all welcome to drop by anytime. However, I strongly suggest you bring raw meat to distract the dogs.

zuki

CAN YOU FLY ABOVE?…..zuki loves children…really he does

Feb 10

Posted by Marzuki in Airlines, Children, Crying, curmudgeon, Get on the Bus, Guilt Ridden, Hitch Hike, Mommy, Ordained, Packed & Pressed, Road Trip, sperm | 7 Comments

Good Morning Victims of Wanderlust,

The time has come for all of us to re-examine our collective position on children aboard a plane.  Look, I’ve only traveled for business once in the last five years, but always surprised when well-intentioned parents drag their whinny snot-nosed spoiled kids on a plane full of adults looking to relax.  This is not a good mix!  Against the advice of the ‘Rules Committee’ I have taken the initiative to remedy this blatant act of selfishness.  I have drafted a list of demands that will be sent to the FAA, all major airline companies, as well as everyone’s legislative representative.  If that doesn’t work we’ll have no trouble getting the 20,000 signatures to put it on the ballet.  While I don’t expect this will help me this particular travel year, but I’m confident we’ll impact those self-centered parents in the years that follow. 

ALL AIRLINES SHALL BE MANDATED TO ADHERE TO THE FOLLOWING S.O.P.:

  1. All children under 12 years of age are forbidden to board any commercial flight unless under emergency conditions.
  2. Those parents who’ve not been able to secure baby-sitting or care and insist their children share in their travel experience will be assigned to the “Children’s Travel Bus¹ ” for delivery.
  3. While in the care of our screened and highly trained drivers all children are subject to their will.
  4. A Priest will be on every trip to ‘comfort’ those children upset by the separation from parents.
  5. Every effort will be made to appease screaming children, but if it’s determined by the CTB staff the child is ‘inconsolable’ the staff member has permission to chloroform and subdue unruly child.
  6. Those children still in diapers will be changed at least once per day
  7.  Children taking prescribed medicines will be put under an induced coma until 2 hours prior to arrival.
  8. “Happy Meals” and Diet Coke will be available ‘on demand’ with no additional charge.
  9. Infants still breast feeding must be accompanied by a certified ‘Wet Nurse;’ clothing optional.
  10.  If no parent or approved guardian is there to meet CTB to retrieve child, the child will be considered ‘abandoned’ and sold for medical experiments.

¹”Children’s Travel Bus” is funded by the Airline industry and extra baggage charges will be allowed.

The above is a small price to pay for a quiet, cozy, and enjoyable flight free of screaming children.  I know it sounds a bit harsh, but honestly wouldn’t you rather be chloroformed and out cold for your next flight to Chicago?  You’ll thank me after your first childless flight!  It’s safe to assume the above will sail through both houses no doubt unopposed.  Just sayin…

zuki

WILL KARMA GET EVEN?….zuki has good intentions…again

Feb 4

Posted by Marzuki in Boy Scout, brain dead, Can't fix Stupid, Crying, Darwin Award, Guilt Ridden, Hovel, Hunker Down, Innocent, Judgement Day, Karma, Pain, Road Trip, Sackcloth & Ashes, Snow storms, Torture, Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Good Morning Do-gooders,

Do you believe in ‘Karma?’  What goes around comes around?  Do you believe there’s a ledger sheet in the sky in which deeds are measured and balanced?  I’m a bit conflicted about an incident last Friday and seek solace here at the ‘Diatribe.’  As you may have heard, we mountain folk got hammered with two straight days of blizzard conditions dumping more than 2 feet of snow!  Even by Denver standards this was a big storm.    My greatest challenge from these storms is not being locked in.  Riding out the weather watching “I love Lucy” reruns or reading some goofy spy novel is not my idea of fun.  I know from past experience if I can escape and get onto a major thoroughfare I can get to those places to enjoy my normal lifestyle.  Yes, you’ve already guessed it, “The Bar.”

It took nearly 30 minutes to dig my car out and make it street worthy.  I plowed my way through the lot and down the breezeway leading to the street.  There’s only one way in and out of my hovel and low and behold there’s a women stuck in the V shaped gutter adjacent to the street full of snow and slush as anyone with a brain would expect.  Sitting in my car I knew I’d be called on to push her, besides I wasn’t going anywhere until she could extricate herself.  I put the gloves on and got out just as she did.  

It was clear she had no idea what to do so I explained she’d need to rock it back and forth using ‘D’ and ‘R’ while I pushed during the ‘D’ phase.  Traction being a premium it was impossible to make headway.  Sucking it up I kept pushing not for her, but for me so I was motivated to continue.  Sensing escape was near she gunned the engine spraying me up and down with slush but finally made it out!  However, just as I waived acknowledging her “thank you” she unexplainably turned back toward the curb and got trapped again.  Having to deal with oncoming traffic I was reluctant if not afraid to help her a second time.  I was exhausted and cold.

From the car I continued to watch her in disbelief.  She again got out of her car and futilely kicked snow from in front of her tires.  All she managed to do was further enmesh her so she gave up, got out of her car, and stood behind it like the ‘damsel in distress.’  Not once did she make eye contact with me, so as soon as it was clear I took off fast enough to get through the gutter and onto the street never looking back. 

Was this bad?  Am I a terrible person?  Was that my responsibility? Does her abject stupidity factor into this?

Look I’ve had my share of unfortunate situations and certainly don’t need additional pain.  Yet I did work hard allowing the nitwit to escape.  Is not that worthy of the plus column?  But as Ron White would say, “You can’t fix stupid!”  Just sayin….

zuki

THE MASTER VISTS “THE MASTERS”….zuki struts his stuff…. sort of

Jan 27

Posted by Marzuki in Bigotry, curmudgeon, Golf, Masters, Mr. Hankey, Road Trip, zealots | 6 Comments

Good Morning Hootie Johnson Wherever You Are,

In the ever widening technical gap between youth and curmudgeon-dom, there was a small but significant victory for those struggling with continual flashing 12:00’s.  Working for a high-tech company forever on the leading edge presents an ongoing challenge for this observer of things.  For those of you not aware of my current employment dilemma, I’ve submitted a plan to increase our market share among less populated cities utilizing a number of federal grant programs.  The younger sales force, several of which were hired by me some 13-15 years ago, has complained about my plan, crying these smaller departments are not worthy of their valuable time.  Considering their collective dismal year in 2011 they have little to stand on.  It’s time to do something different!

Our Product Manager and I were sent to what would be a typical location in my grand scheme to organize and execute a sales presentation to three county and five city (7,000 largest population of five) police departments.  We were to assess and report back.  This morning when I arrived for work, there were two email messages from this abbreviated list asking for formal quotes totaling $9,895.00!!  I was pleased to say the least!

Our Representative who only lives two hours away, declined to show up.  I suspect it was his way of thumbing his nose at my plan but ultimately it did not serve him well.  Not only did the new accounts become house accounts with zero commissions but was put on probation for his f-ing job…long overdue if you ask me!  I’VE BECOME THE MESSINGER OF DEATH!!

Having the mettle and wherewithal to conciliate small town Georgia law enforcement brought about an ebullience I’ve not felt for some time.  With a sense of purpose we made our way to Augusta National Golf Course; home of “The Masters” one of the major tournaments played by professional golfers.  The place is a conservative institution where decorum is paramount; it is a place where traditions and the integrity of the game are jealously guarded.  In short one the last bastions of bigotry that segregates financially; covering their collective asses.  

As we approached the course it became clear this hallowed ground developed by the legendary Bobby Jones is in fact a barbed wired compound with armed guards at every entry point.  It’s like having a beautiful couch but covered in plastic.  You can see the beauty but can’t feel and inhale the luxury.  We were forced to park in one of several overflow lots and cross a busy street.  Once at the “Member Entrance” the large Black man guarding the entry looked at his watch, and without looking up told me I had three minutes to take my ‘photo op.’  This explains the above photo.

Knowing the Augusta National Golf Club to be what it is DID NOT dampen my victory lap at the office though, and strutted around telling my fellow workers and execs “The old man still has it!”  I’ll have to tone it down today as I suspect it’s become a bit over the top.  Even though the immediate order was probably a fluke occurrence, I’m sticking to my story!

zuki