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Archive for category Pain

LETTUCE, CARROTS, and APPLES OH MY!…..zuki goes cardio

Apr 16

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Angry Bartenders, Birthday, Blues, Cellulite, Chubby Dancing, Colonoscopy, curmudgeon, Dwarfs, Easter, Fat, Fecal Bliss, FOOD, Free Samples, Health Issues, Humpty Hump, Live Happily Everafter, Ogle, Old People, Pain, Peeping Tom, Rectal Eclispe, sandwich, stalking, Torture, Virgins, zealots | 10 Comments

Good Morning Juggernauts,

As we continue to circle this rock aging and quickly deteriorating, medical science tells us it becomes more important to exercise and maintain good height to weight ratios than when we were younger. Dah! Of course there are literally thousands of diet plans, routines, and methodologies published to assist us in accomplishing this important part of being a healthy curmudgeon. As a public service to men mostly, and particularly the two or three of you reading this poppycock, I’d like to share zuki’s exercise plan for cardiovascular maintenance. I suspect women could also share, but I have no proof.

If you’re like me, the exercise part of any program becomes tedious and boring. This of course makes the regimen more difficult to sustain.  I’ve tried reading or watching TV while on the stationary bike, but always succumb to motion sickness. This tends to shorten my workout thus negating any benefit gained. I’ve walked/jogged on a regular basis, but also found it to be monotonous beyond my ability to cope; again suspending my workout. It was apparent I was doomed to live insalubriously the rest of my days. I mentally prepared to fight any malady that descended on me one by one and let fate take its course, when one of our own sent me an article regarding a new study.

I’ve been reborn! I just finished a two hour workout. I feel refreshed and highly energized from this new found cardio program. If you’re a member of a gym this program may be easier facilitated than having to find the proper workout location. This said, with a little effort and research each of you can personalize a program. A new five year study of 200 men carried out by Dr. Karen Weatherby determined staring at women’s breasts is good for men’s health and makes them live longer. I understand reading my stories seem like fiction, but I can actually prove the veracity of this posting! Dr. Weatherby further states, “Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.” The results of her study were published in The New England Journal of Medicine and makes fascinating reading.  Of course the good doctor’s study does not account for the ‘No Mas’ syndrome or homosexuality but perhaps there’s an exchange program.

Ogling comes naturally for most men (sorry JJ), particularly curmudgeons. It didn’t take long to find an inexpensive place one could engage in ogling without being arrested. I’ve been going to the grocery store, in the produce section in particular, lingering by the melons the last few weeks.  It provides great cover for this healthy activity. There are opportunities at your favorite bar, but given the subject’s stationary position, continued ogling may result in a slap to the face or even expulsion making a bar inconsistent. Once again the grocery store offers a venue with an assortment of women wearing shorts and halter-tops or other revealing clothes that accentuate the mammary glands. Plenty of vantage points offer sustained viewing and at least a half dozen “walk bys” without arousing suspicion. For starters I highly recommend your local Food King!

The study indicates that 10 minutes of ogling is equal to a 30-minute aerobic workout. This new discovery has given ole zuki a new lease on life and actually makes working out something I look forward to. So if you’ll excuse me, I must dash off to the store for some coffee and get my cardio.

zuki

SPEGETTI AND MEATBALLS….zuki discovers MSG

Apr 11

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Art, Blood Sucking, Blues, Can't fix Stupid, Christmas, Fine Dining, Foie Gras, FOOD, Get on the Bus, Karma, Live Happily Everafter, Microwave Oven, MSG, Packed & Pressed, Pain, Prep H, Puke, ripped off, sandwich, Taste Test, Wasted Time | 13 Comments

Good Morning Denizens of the Microwave,

Good Lord, I just spent $85 at the grocery store! Shit fire I haven’t spent that much on groceries since the Christmas ham incident. When it’s all said and done, and my name surfaces for some reason, I hope it’s not always going to be in reference to my colossal Christmas faux pas. By now you’ve already guessed this is another cry for help.  My plan is to eat in more often to avoid the usual eateries serving high caloric meals.  I loaded up on food easily popped into the microwave and threw in some token fruits and a bag of raw carrots. I felt good about it and was now ready to face those hardships most certainly headed my way.

Last night’s selection was Lean Cuisine’s spaghetti and meatballs. Marketing is such an important part of our culture isn’t it? On the cover of the package is a beautiful picture of this American favorite, and with much anticipation I began preparation. I removed it from the cardboard outer sleeve and read the directions. I cut slits in the plastic cover and placed it in the microwave between 5-6 minutes on high then let stand for 2 minutes being careful as the “contents were hot.” However when I opened the door it didn’t smell worthy of consumption, but I’d gone this far so I pulled the outer plastic off, stood back, and looked at my meal. SHIT. Instead of the all American favorite, I was looking at two individual piles. The noodles were not mixed with the sauce and meatballs. There was no mention of this on the microwave direction panel; this is unconscionable!  Lean Cuisine will be receiving a strongly worded letter!

I was forced to make a decision outside the instruction panel so I began to manually mix the two swells together. It became clear the noodles were going to be difficult as the gelatinous mass of goo stuck to the fork preventing an even distribution of sauce and meatballs.  I snagged another fork so I could ply the goo apart but only managed to flip the load of pasta off the plastic container and onto the counter smearing the sauce clinging to the bottom leaving a tomato-y skid mark. The momentum of being flipped like a catapult from the fork caused the inseparable noodles to move as one toward the dirty sink.  I was helpless to react in time to save it. I managed to grab the top part of the unified mass where at last it fell apart with me holding half the portion in my hand while the other half scattered about the sink bottom. I was thinking how far removed this was from the dining experience I’d hoped for as I washed the sauce from my hands.

The meatballs were now cold, and frankly the whole experience left me a bit nauseated so I threw it all away. To think I invested $85 in microwavable goodies upsets me to the point of depression. If the two or three of you reading this swill understand microwave cooking and predisposed to MSG glutamate dinning, I’d be willing to sell my stockpile for 10¢ on the dollar! Call me.

zuki

GET OFF YOUR ASSES!….zuki stands alone

Apr 2

Posted by Marzuki in Blood Sucking, brain dead, Cellulite, Drunken sloppy, Fat, Fine Dining, Get on the Bus, Humpty Hump, Old People, Pain, Sleep | 11 Comments

Good Morning Grousers,

I’ve got nothing! Nada, “negatory good buddy” nope, zippo, goose egg, zilch, nil, and naught explains today’s posting.

Do you sit on your ass 11 hours a day? There’s an article in Reuters about a study of people whose diet, weight, and exercise levels didn’t matter. If you sit 11 hours or more a day you risk shortening your life dramatically. I’ve got the link below:

http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/03/30/us-australian-tv-idUSBRE82S15J20120330

9 hours a day at work, 1 hour in a car, 3 hours at the bar, 3 hours TV/reading, and straight to bed. Even on the weekends; studio, golf, lunch, and the bar easily goes beyond the 11 hour minimum. Hopefully it’s not too late to change things around, in fact I’m writing this note while standing. It’s not the most comfortable position but I think with some practice I can cut my sitting time in half. I’ll keep you posted.

zuki

JJ’s LIFETIME OF DANCE PAYS PRICE….zuki says he’s no balanchine

Mar 4

Posted by Marzuki in Always Anonymous, Beer, Boy Scout, Butchered Songs, Children, Dead Musicians, Get on the Bus, Gotta Dance, Hack & Slash, Hobbies, Humpty Hump, Lie to Me, Live Happily Everafter, Pain, Puke, Virgins, Wasted Time | 14 Comments

Good Morning Sissies,

There’s been allot of talk of late regarding twinkle-toes JJ and his skill as a hoofer.  The comments were divided equally in their praise or condemnation in my opinion; nevertheless I intend to resolve this controversy once and for all. 

In a brilliant series of misdirection and lies I was able to contact JJ’s sister without our good friend’s knowledge.  According to Sis, JJ as a brother was a tyrannical brute imposing his will on his younger sister delighting in her pain.  I take this report with a grain of salt because being the eldest of six siblings I’ve been falsely accused of similar would-be atrocities.  JJ’s sister was accommodating to say the least and seemed to revel in this opportunity to describe her elder brother’s ‘odd’ behavior.  Typically Sis is very quiet and reserved rarely drawing attention to herself so her enthusiasm was a bit puzzling.

My first question was straight to the point.  “Did JJ always love to dance, or did he begin hoofing later in life?”  “Oh dear Lord…JJ started dancing for his aunts and uncles with loads of neighborhood kids when he was three years old.”  “Really?” I replied still not convinced.  “I thought you’d be skeptical so I brought a few old photographs for you.” Reaching in her purse she retrieved an old Lippmann plate depicting a 7 year old JJ in ballet shoes and tights posed with arms raised in a simulated pirouette.  I’m sure JJ had no idea this photo still had legs.  Sis pulled the remaining photos out and laid them in chronological order.  I must admit I was not prepared for what I saw. 

At twelve JJ left the Boy Scouts much to the chagrin of his father and organized an after school dance club calling themselves “The Highland High Steppers.” Evidently JJ led the club in after-school performances for anyone willing to watch.  Sis recalled Sister Hamilton JJ’s homeroom teacher as being very supportive, saying “JJ was as graceful as any boy I’d seen in 24 years of teaching.” This said, there was a dark side to his all consuming desire to dance in that he was bullied and mocked mercilessly.  

At sixteen the next photo showed JJ on the high school stage dressed in black tights and a baggy black sweatshirt.  According to Sis, JJ opted out (No Mas) of the Junior Prom to instead perform his personal interpretation of “West Side Story” playing both the ‘Jet’s’ and ‘Shark’s leads.  When he’d dance the Shark numbers he donned a ‘Zoot Suit’ for authenticity.  Unfortunately his singing skills were not on a par with his dancing prowess.  Halfway through “Maria” he was heckled and literally run off the stage and then beaten senseless.

The most telling photo and no doubt the saddest captured our own JJ dressed in drag flanked on either side by two other men in drag.  They were a part of a USO show in Viet Nam performing Gilbert & Sullivan’s “The Mikado” featuring the number “Three little maids from school.”  According to Sis, the performance was so spectacular Bob Hope asked them to return and take another bow!

God…I think I’m going to be sick!

I could go on but I think the two or three of you left reading this Glyndebourne can see where this is going.  It’s crystal clear to this observer that JJ was born to dance!  His flair for arrangement, his eye for color, and his stunning sense of timing says it all….don’t you think?

zuki

EASTERN ORTHODOX GREEKS BEGINS GREAT LINT….zuki serves up a four pounder

Feb 25

Posted by Marzuki in Bagwan, Ball of Lint, Easter, God, Guilt Ridden, Heaven, Hell, Jesus, Judgement Day, Mardi Gras, Ordained, Pain, passion, Penitent, Sackcloth & Ashes, Thanksgiving, Torture, Virgins, zealots | 5 Comments

Good Morning Penitent Children,

As you know being a member of the hated media does require the ‘Diatribe’ to contribute to our local community in the form of PSA’s (Public Service Anouncements).  Given our community is literally world wide, I wanted to post a friendly reminder that this Monday February 27th 2012 the Eastern Orthodox Church begins the Great Lint.  Now I know there’s several of you (and you know who you are) that don’t buy into all this and you’re no doubt doomed to hell.  But for the two or three of you reading this piffle I’ve put together a brief synopsis of how it works, simple really:

The Eastern Orthodox Church does not skip over Sundays when calculating the length of the Great Lint. Therefore, the Great Lint always begins on Clean Monday, the seventh Monday before Easter, and ends on Filthy Friday before Rosy Palm Sunday—using of course the eastern date for begetting Ester on Easter. The Linten fast is relaxed on the weekends in honor of the All Thou Can Eat Sabbath (Saturday) and the Wine Resurrection (Sunday). The Great Lint is followed by Saturday and Rosy Palm Sunday, which are feast days, then the Linten fast resumes on Monday of Holy Week after all collected Lint is set ablaze. Technically, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Week is a separate season from the Great Lint.

I hope this announcement was helpful particularly for those Christians among us looking forward to the Easter ham.

And now you know.

zuki