Marzuki Online

Archive for category Pain

WAS HE JUST SICK OR A VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCE…..zuki buys cough syrup.

Feb 20

Posted by Marzuki in Angry Bartenders, bastards, Beer, Blathering, Blood Sucking, Boy Scout, Crying, curmudgeon, Get on the Bus, Hypocrisy, Karma, Mommy, Mr. Hankey, Nipples, Old People, Pain, poor, Prep H, Suicide Pact, Technology, Urinal Cakes, Virgins, Weddings | 8 Comments

Good Morning Living Examples of Excuse Me but You’re in my Seat,

Long greeting…. But never mind, okay shit I owe the two or three of you reading this farrago some sort of an apology.  I’m simply fucking sick!  Flu like symptoms to be sure, but have a tough time dealing with flem in a gracious manner.  It’s very similar to the malady suffered last month, only worse!  Fever and ever increasing thoughts of suicide plague both my conscious as well as night terrors.  As you might guess, this leaves little time for rest let alone sleep.   I weep for my future!

My trifling maladies really aren’t relevant to today’s posting, but certainly must be considered when contemplating a reply/comment.  This will be a brief admonition but nonetheless important.  Okay, here goes, when Life’s Rich Pageant suggests working with animals, don’t fight it; just give in to living in animal squalor.  In nearly every case, Hollywood animal acts bring in twice union scale, leaving the actors twisting in the wind abandoned by their respective agents.  Go ahead pet the dog like you mean it!

zuki

PS:

I seem to be meandering looking for something that isn’t there, and for that I apologize.  For those of you and God knows who you are, rooting for me even in the most modest fashion, God bless you and yours.  Those of you wishing me ill, let me quote a well intentioned curmudgeon, “Look it up your ass!”  I hope I didn’t shock you with this abrupt and coarse language.  But I’m just sayin….

WILL KARMA GET EVEN?….zuki has good intentions…again

Feb 4

Posted by Marzuki in Boy Scout, brain dead, Can't fix Stupid, Crying, Darwin Award, Guilt Ridden, Hovel, Hunker Down, Innocent, Judgement Day, Karma, Pain, Road Trip, Sackcloth & Ashes, Snow storms, Torture, Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Good Morning Do-gooders,

Do you believe in ‘Karma?’  What goes around comes around?  Do you believe there’s a ledger sheet in the sky in which deeds are measured and balanced?  I’m a bit conflicted about an incident last Friday and seek solace here at the ‘Diatribe.’  As you may have heard, we mountain folk got hammered with two straight days of blizzard conditions dumping more than 2 feet of snow!  Even by Denver standards this was a big storm.    My greatest challenge from these storms is not being locked in.  Riding out the weather watching “I love Lucy” reruns or reading some goofy spy novel is not my idea of fun.  I know from past experience if I can escape and get onto a major thoroughfare I can get to those places to enjoy my normal lifestyle.  Yes, you’ve already guessed it, “The Bar.”

It took nearly 30 minutes to dig my car out and make it street worthy.  I plowed my way through the lot and down the breezeway leading to the street.  There’s only one way in and out of my hovel and low and behold there’s a women stuck in the V shaped gutter adjacent to the street full of snow and slush as anyone with a brain would expect.  Sitting in my car I knew I’d be called on to push her, besides I wasn’t going anywhere until she could extricate herself.  I put the gloves on and got out just as she did.  

It was clear she had no idea what to do so I explained she’d need to rock it back and forth using ‘D’ and ‘R’ while I pushed during the ‘D’ phase.  Traction being a premium it was impossible to make headway.  Sucking it up I kept pushing not for her, but for me so I was motivated to continue.  Sensing escape was near she gunned the engine spraying me up and down with slush but finally made it out!  However, just as I waived acknowledging her “thank you” she unexplainably turned back toward the curb and got trapped again.  Having to deal with oncoming traffic I was reluctant if not afraid to help her a second time.  I was exhausted and cold.

From the car I continued to watch her in disbelief.  She again got out of her car and futilely kicked snow from in front of her tires.  All she managed to do was further enmesh her so she gave up, got out of her car, and stood behind it like the ‘damsel in distress.’  Not once did she make eye contact with me, so as soon as it was clear I took off fast enough to get through the gutter and onto the street never looking back. 

Was this bad?  Am I a terrible person?  Was that my responsibility? Does her abject stupidity factor into this?

Look I’ve had my share of unfortunate situations and certainly don’t need additional pain.  Yet I did work hard allowing the nitwit to escape.  Is not that worthy of the plus column?  But as Ron White would say, “You can’t fix stupid!”  Just sayin….

zuki

NURSE CUSH SAVES THE DAY….zuki discovers beer

Jan 23

Posted by Marzuki in Beer, brain dead, Colonoscopy, Cush, Health Issues, Humpty Hump, Innocent, Pain, stinky feet, Urinal Cakes | 9 Comments

Good Morning Victims of Self-Esteem,

This weekend provided some much needed rest to at last defeat the first malady of the 2012 rotation.  This one has been pretty aggressive.  Not only the congestion normally associated with a cold, but this one included the dreaded dry coughing fit at 2:00 AM.  I took ‘Zicam’ to supposedly lessen the cold’s severity, but it’s difficult to say whether or not it worked.  It’s taken most of a week, and the symptoms have diminished somewhat, but that’s about as long as I remember a cold lasting anyways!  I’m concerned I may have fallen victim to two things; letting hope overcome reason, and a slick marketing campaign.  But to be honest I didn’t follow the directions and was inconsistent at best.

I was walking to Blondies on Friday for Dawn’s (our tough as nails bartender) birthday/bon voyage party and noticed the wind to be howling through the breezeway my pathway to the bar.  It had to be near 80 mph!  Half-way I noticed a large garbage bag (empty) zigging and zagging its way toward me.  Every time I moved it would shift directions and again fling itself at me until unavoidably it hit me in the face and immediately wrapped around my head.  It smelled of burnt rubber but more importantly I was blind.  For reasons unknown to me I continued to walk while trying to extract myself and ran directly into a metal sculpture.  I don’t know the artist but ironically it was an abstract of a man hoisting what appears to be a beer.  I had knocked myself unconscious.

When I came to the first thing I saw was Cush holding a sandwich to my face telling me to eat it.  Words don’t begin to describe the horror of such a visual assault.  Besides all he could offer was a potato and baloney with Mayo; it was actually pretty good.  Cush helped me to my feet but I still felt a bit unsettled and found one of several benches and sat down.  Nurse Cush in his zeal to heal disappeared into Blondies and returned with a plastic cup of beer.  You must understand, drinking beer is Cush’s cure for everything!  Sipping my medicinal beer I was puzzled by his insistence that beer has mystical powers.  “What other maladies do you think beer cures?” I queried.  Cush puffing up his chest replied, “Oh shit there’s a ton of things beer can treat!”  He then began to list them.  “It cures phlebitis, jock itch, sausage fingers, constipation, dandruff, cock-eyed-ness, worts, pancake breath, dry mouth, and makes a damn fine colonic.”  I was stupefied!

I rubbed the rather large goose egg that had appeared after my collision and got to my feet.  Nurse Cush insisted that he pour the remainder of my beer directly over my wound guaranteeing me it would greatly reduce the swelling and ease the pain. Unfortunately, he also managed to spill beer down the front of my shirt.  I made a silent promise to kill him.

Still a bit unsteady I began to stagger toward Blondies and as luck would have it the Littlewood Police was parked in front.  Holding the few drops of beer left in the cup and smelling like a brewery I was arrested for public intoxication and taken straight to ‘De-tox’ for observation.  Jeez.

If the two or three of you reading this remora happen to see Cush please tell him his days among the living are numbered!!

zuki

AFTERMATH OF TEBOW’S CRUSHING DEFEAT…..zuki examines carnage

Jan 13

Posted by Marzuki in Jesus, Murder, Pain, passion, Sackcloth & Ashes, Suicide Pact, Tebow, Torture, Virgins | 26 Comments

Good Morning Porcellous Dupes,

I spent a rough night in sleepless agony reliving each bungled play of yesterday’s implosion.  The apocrypha brought about by young Timmy Tebow will at last come to an end.  The saddened believers can now go about the business of life’s rich pageant and perhaps begin to believe in themselves.  Clinging to 24 year olds to deliver us from mediocrity is not a question of faith as many have supported this week; rather it’s become a football thanatopsis with Tebow’s burial scheduled for 6:00 PM tomorrow. 

I really haven’t checked but highly suspect a dozen people couldn’t face life without Tebow and ate a bullet.

The self-imposed deaths may have saved them from perhaps a more ignominious demise.  There was rioting in our sparkling city last night.  I couldn’t bear to watch so I closed my shutters and bolted my doors to ride out the killing, looting, and burning.  Finally the chaotic cacophonous grating of broken glass and screaming was silenced.  I instinctively felt better.

It was still and quiet as the sun began to lift us from the dark.  I dressed, unbolted the doors, and then took my first step outside since the tragic chain of events in Boston.  The early dawn revealed thousands of smoldering fires, the smoke rising straight up seemed to sit in place in the cold air like ropes that fell from the sky.  Sporadic gun fire could be heard in the distance as I began searching the rubble for friends and loved ones.  I was stupefied at the level of destruction!  Broadway literally looked like a war zone complete with bombed out buildings.  The death toll is no doubt staggering.

With the smell of death heavy in the air I kept asking myself, “Why did this happen?”  “How did we get to this point?”  We the nation’s mountain people turned on ourselves and devoured our young simply because we believed!  Was not Tebow the chosen one?  As it turned out in front of a national TV audience, Timmy does not walk on water nor can he read an NFL defense. 

This hideous example of human kind could have been avoided.  Think about it.  How is it in an 8 and 8 season losing their last three games backing into the Division Championship led by a young quarterback with less than a 50% completion rate generate such obsequious flattery?  It really defies explanation doesn’t it?  Yet I think I understand how an entire city or country for that matter tried to touch Tebow’s robe.

The old adage “perception is truth” has been used in sales since the beginning of time.  With the help of today’s media we perceived the traits normally assigned to Gods or heroes were personified in Tebow and he dragged us kicking and screaming to higher ground.  Let’s just hope we as a people have learned the lesson we at the ‘Diatribe’ admonish almost daily; NEVER LET HOPE OVERCOME REASON!!!

zuki

WHEN DWARFS ATTACK…..zuki calls the police

Dec 15

Posted by Marzuki in Angry Bartenders, Balding, Beer, Blood Sucking, Christmas, Dwarfs, Handicaped people, Humpty Hump, Pain, Prep H, Santa, sperm, Tebow | 6 Comments

Good Morning Animal Husbandry,

While it’s never been proven, leastwise not to my knowledge but cretinism seems to be on the rise.  There have been a significant number of dwarf sightings beginning at Cush’s Christmas party.  Its one thing to be a dwarf, but to be a mentally retarded dwarf would no doubt test Tebow’s faith.  I didn’t notice it at first, but last Saturday while shopping at Walmart for a new sport jacket and shoes,  a drooling dwarf squeezing the substance out of a tube of Preparation ‘H’ all over his little shoes appeared and stopped foot traffic cold.  There was a bit of snickering among the screams, but only the morbid hung around to see what was next.

Then later the same day I ordered tacos at the ‘Bell’ and when I approached the drive-through pay window all I could see was the top of a paper hat with little arms flailing about cussing out a co-worker for hiding his/her stepstool.  I lost my appetite.

This sudden rise in dwarfism is troubling and will no doubt become a campaign issue for next year’s presidential election.  Think about it.  A fat, crippled, retarded, wheelchair bound dwarf will bury the legal system with countless discrimination suits all stemming from the “Americans with Disabilities Act.” This will require every single business owner to not only install ramps, but the additional footstools, miniature treadmills, and enough “Speak & Spells” for the retarded will negatively affect job creation if not all together put business owners under!  Am I the only one that sees this coming!?

Don’t get me wrong I feel sorry for these glandular deprived freaks but let’s face it who wants to go down in flames because dwarfs are breeding like Mormons?  When one adds unemployment insurance atop the costs of supporting them both medically and professionally we’ll never balance our out of control deficit.  To my knowledge this growing problem is not addressed in Obama-Care due to begin shortly and I for one will not take this lying down!  “This aggression will not stand!”

I beg the two or three of you reading this propagation to join me in writing a strongly worded letter to your representatives in Washington.  These assholes have done little if anything the last two years and believe we the people are long overdue for a little ‘public service’ and nip this dwarf thing in the bud.  C’mon now let’s kick those little bastards back to Disneyland where they belong!

Merry Christmas,

zuki