Archive for category Ordained

ZUKI LEAVES VIADUCT FOR ‘WALK-ABOUT’……..johnny appleseed turns over in grave

johnny-appleseedGood Morning Affixed Ones,

As you travel about ensconced in work, life, and love….take a moment and think how much better off you are than me. I know this is a familiar refrain, but after all isn’t it always about me?

I don’t mean to complain, and I know life isn’t always fair, but well….yes I do, because it’s often brutal when others have a place to hang their hat, take off their shoes, or even plant a garden and I don’t. Not that I have any great desire for cultivating squash, it just seems my part in life’s rich pageant is to be like Kwai Caine the aimless wonderer of TV’s Kung Fu fame searching for peace and joy.  But all he ever got was abused of course, but fortunately for him as well as the plot—he was skilled enough to survive and occasionally get laid.

This no longer does it for me and must find a way to change. If I’m going to assume the mantle of vagabond, it’s high time for me to leave the comfort of my hovel and become one.

This kerfuffle called my life these last few years has made me strong insomuch as being prepared emotionally for the worst, but long to achieve something significant. John Chapman or “Johnny Appleseed” had little in the way of worldly possessions, but spent most of his days wondering the valleys of Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Indiana planting seeds, helping settlers create orchards, and offering saplings to pioneers headed west. He became a recognizable character given his shoddy dress and eccentric manner but was welcomed into most everyone’s home as a beloved member of the family. In today’s 21st century universe, this behavior would no doubt get you killed or at the very least put way for a while, but his efforts were appreciated and noted in his lifetime.

I’ve decided to go for a ‘walk-about’ and like Forest Gump see America on foot. I don’t believe I’ll be doing much running though, but I purchased a large backpack, sleeping bag, fishing pole, and as much food as I can carry. I’ve created a special pouch for my Iphone w/solar charger to facilitate posting accounts of my journey west. Once I hit the coast, I’ll head north until I reach Anchorage. “God willing and the creek don’t rise,” I intend to walk, but will accept rides if offered. I’m not sure what I’ll find, or how it’ll all turn out, but at least I’ll be in control of my destiny.

DAY ONE:

I found my way to Morrison and managed to kill much of the afternoon getting there. Although the days are getting longer its dark by 6:45 PM so I began to look for a place to bed down for the night. I decided to travel up the canyon toward Evergreen thinking there’d be several spots I could hunker down without being bothered or arrested.

I walked through the little town and headed up Bear Creek Rd that runs along Bear Creek toward Idledale. I found a place on the furthest southern point in Red Rocks Park. Didn’t see anyone so I found a spot close to the water (I love the sound of running water) and was sheltered from view. I broke out some canned peaches and set up camp such as it was.

It was a good location as I laid out my bag on a sand bar with few rocks. There were a few minutes before it would be totally dark so I tried my luck fishing and managed to catch a little Brook Trout on my second cast. This good fortune would indeed complement my peaches. I cleaned my catch leaving the entrails on the river’s edge. After fashioning a skewer from a forked branch, I cooked my meal over a small fire made using lighter fluid and small dry twigs rotating the fish until cooked. It was a fine meal, and all in all it was a great first day. Given my lack of physical conditioning though, I was extremely tired and ready to get horizontal so I packed it in for the night.

I’m not sure how long I’d been asleep, but was awakened by splashing sounds that couldn’t have been more than 10 feet away. Getting up on one elbow, I looked in the direction of the splashing and immediately shit my pants! An adult Bear looked to be munching on the fish entrails I’d left earlier (very stupid).

The Beast had finished it off in seconds then began sniffing the air. I knew I was dead. I quickly lay down, placed my head inside the bag and played possum. I could hear the Bear’s heavy steps as it walked toward me and as one might imagine, I rediscovered God. He/she sniffed the length of the sleeping bag until I could feel the Bear’s hot breath on the top of my head. It pushed me back and forth like a cat playing with a ball of yarn further adding to my anxiety. I continued to lay motionless, and after more pawing and sniffing the animal decided to move on.

Waiting to move until I was sure this Ursus americanus was safely away, I finally got out of the bag. It took me 30 minutes to quit shaking. But once composed, I gathered my things and headed down the creek until I found the Morrison Hotel and called a cab. On my ride back I wondered if Johnny Appleseed ever got face to face with a bear. It’s probably a good thing he didn’t, or no doubt we’d have fewer apples around.

As you’ve probably guessed I’ve called off the ‘walk- about’ for now. I’m not sure I’m cut out to be a 21st century Kwia Chang. After all, who am I trying to fool here? Are we ever really in control of our own destiny?

Anyway I had to burn the sleeping bag in addition to my underwear. Jeez.

zuki

WHO’S MINDING THE STORE?……zuki explores ‘peter principle’

Yeah Baby!!!

Yeah Baby!!!

Good Morning Denizens of Adulteration,

I came upon this article and thought it quite telling.  While this particular example of idiocy is poignant given the position of authority, but I think it typifies many lesser manifestations of ignorance.  I give you the following:

A Sicilian judge ruled late last year that blogging, under Italian law, is the same as publishing an unregistered newspaper. In Italy, publishing an unregistered newspaper is a crime of “stampa clandestina,” and is punishable by large fines and/or jail. And so down went the first blogger.  He was noticed because he wrote unkind things about the Italian government; a horrible legal precedent and basis for the ruling.

But by registering a blog, the blog would then be subject to all laws governing newspaper publishing which means the blogger could no longer freely write his or her thoughts and no longer a blog.  Since the ruling, another blogger has been taken down.  Apparently there are those in the Italian government who have decided to run with this opportunity.

The judge, not understanding a thing about the Internet, but still given authority over it, unintentionally with the stroke of a pen took down the right of free speech in Italy and empowered the government to gag its citizens.  It’s just one more demonstration of the awesome power of ignorance.

Do our leaders have the wherewithal and enough information to know  what they regulate?  Perhaps…..

I think back to my hellish experience of court mandated therapy.  I was forced to listen to constant psychobabble from women bent on torturing me for nothing more than revenge! What a sham–as it was clear no genuine desire to help confused drunks existed…we had to solve our own problems.

I’m sure this country is lousy with examples of management directing how and what should be done without an earthly idea about how to go about it!  Laurence J. Peter and Raymond Hull’s “The Peter Principal” published in 1968 must be in paperback by now and would encourage the two or three of you reading this bloated goat to peruse it.  Trust me; although it is written in a tongue n cheek style it’s nevertheless true and explains much about today’s posting.

Please don’t let the facts get in the way because after all “ignorance is indeed bliss!”  It is so much easier to go headlong into our day confident we understand our little universe blinders in place without having to worry about being accurate.  It has served me well over the years….. Perception is truth whether it’s based in fact or not so please keep it to yourself!

Obviously delving out stupidity isn’t limited to government or work as it can be found on multiple levels.  A good illustration was found right here at ‘curmudgeon corner.’  For those of you new to the diatribe, curmudgeon corner is a clever euphemism for a bunch of old men (mostly) drinking heavily and expounding on things like cars, ‘this old house’ theories, and assorted insults subtle or a pie to the face.  Bombastic best describes what occurs there.

Cush is a union truck driver and member of the Teamsters.  I think he’s a good example of someone comfortable with their reality and perceived facts.  I’m not sure how the topic came up, but he tried to convince me the City of Atlanta was as high in altitude as Denver!  He read it somewhere (couldn’t come up with a reference) and was so sure about it he bet $20.  I wanted to convince him he was dead wrong because taking his money on that bet would have been tantamount to stealing.  In spite of my efforts to save him twenty bucks he wouldn’t hear of it and absolutely convinced of his facts.  By the way Atlanta, GA is positioned upon this rock at 1,010 ft; a fair difference from a mile high.

While the above is not an important example, it still serves as warning that the world is filled with morons ready to convince you the earth is flat.  For God’s sake pay attention!

zuki

ZUKI TILTS AT WINDMILLS…AGAIN…….finding the elusive needs x-ray glasses

tilting at windmillsGood morning philologists,

In terms of 60 plus rotations I believe most of us married or not will eventually come to a crossroad and forced to pause. I’m not saying a month long ordeal of praying and fasting, rather a moment in time to reflect what it is we want. You’ve heard the old adage “Be careful what you wish for” stated as a warning right?  While there’s a certain level of truth here but encourages hesitation.

In the past two weeks I’ve spent allot of time with a woman considerably younger than I am and enjoyed every minute. She’s funny, witty, and bright, with a fabulous sense of humor. She’s an old soul sharing similar taste in music, movies, and even politics making her seem just “too good to be true.” I know what you’re thinking, “zuki you’d complain about finding $100 in a paper bag, convinced somebody took half of it.” I’m hip. But I thought perhaps I found someone. In actuality I did.

At the very least she could be a friend….should one subscribe to the notion that men and women are able to be ‘just’ friends.  To date I’ve never found that to be true.

Sometimes we think we want something but unable to accurately define it in terms of specifics. I love women. I like being with them generally speaking. But when it comes to a serious relationship in which time and resources are to be committed, all I can summon up is a nebulous rendition of “I think so.” This inability to ‘define’ what it is I want often translates into a ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ mind-set. Flesh wounds aside, it’s generally a case of aiming high but missing the mark.

Unlike one of our own, I don’t see the answer being total disenfranchisement. Giving up the search for what we perceive to be good and worthwhile is far worse than to stumble and err. The Russian writer and part time prisoner Solzhenitsyn said, “It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes… we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions – especially selfish ones.”

I don’t pretend to understand how it works; I’ll no doubt continue to have lapses of stupid. Tilting at windmills seems to be what I do best, so filling the void remains seemingly unattainable!  Be-that-as-it-may, I’ll persevere because I know of no other way!

I don’t apologize for seeking the brass ring. I highly suspect the two or three of you still reading this doppelganger have sought love and missed, right? Of course you have! If you’re saying to yourself, “I don’t even entertain mistakes let alone make them” then you must either be living in a cave or an idiot.

Every one of us should believe in ourselves; even if we’re letting hope overcome reason…..because the other option is to resign.

zuki

CHEER UP PATRONS OF MIRTH……creeping toward spring w/fake vomit

Priceless!

Priceless!

Good Morning Children of Parlor Tricks,

I don’t know if it’s a sign of the times, or perhaps it’s just a general malaise that is often associated with winter, but most people I know are uptight with zero sense of humor. Not knowing for sure what we’re collectively dealing with, I can only speculate on how best to mitigate this irritable bowel syndrome we’re facing. As a public service I’d like to remind the two or three of you reading this tripe how easy it is to change that frown into a smile:

Remember the whoopee cushion? Shit I had hours of hilarity at the expense of my Grandmother. Of course these days, technology has produced a version of this old classic electronically as the sound (and often smell) can be remotely triggered while the devise is hidden under a seat. God have we forgotten the potential of peanut butter on the inside of a car door handle? This simple trick in addition to a punctured ketchup packet under the toilet seat, never fails in getting the desired reaction.

Some of our best practical jokes are timeless and often passed down from generation to generation. Who doesn’t get a laugh watching a trusting child hold a sack hollering “here SNIPE” ….SNIPE SNIPE? It always breaks me up to see someone get squirted by the fake flower and bulb devise. These are priceless tried and true jokes still worthy of application.

I can never get enough of the “fools errand” series; sending someone to buy stripped paint, water-proof towels, or read-only CD blanks. These are always fun because they’re at someone else’s expense! People c’mon…..expose yourself to an elderly person! Loosen the cap of salt & pepper shakers; rubber chickens (the neck sticking out of one’s zipper) will always get a chortle. Go out and disconnect a battery cable.

If after you’ve tried all of the above and are still depressed, pull the chair out from under someone just as they’re sitting down! Oh my God you and your friends will laugh for days about that! Shaving cream or a bowl of warm water applied correctly to unsuspecting sleeping friends will create situations that’ll be discussed for years! Cellophane over the toilet, rubber vomit, rubber fruit, and the classic rubber shit will supply countless opportunities for lightening the moment.

Do “Kick Me” signs ever get stale?

My friends these methods for mirth don’t have to be elaborate or expensive. One must only be creative and decide the best time and place to spring the surprise. I still enjoy the Chinese finger trap; five year olds rarely figure it out! Remember dear associates we’re only weeks away from spring and its warmth. Why not usher it in with a smile? Now go out and drop a water balloon on a stranger.

zuki

A LITTLE KNOWN FACT INDEED BAGWAN SCHOOLS CLIFF……zuki is right once in blue moon

It's a Little Known Fact!

It’s a Little Known Fact!

Good Morning Pedantic Ones,

Mark Twain is one of my favorite authors/humorists of all time.  One of his more famous quotes says, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

Hard to know if the two or three of you reading this bluster and bullshit remember or even care, but there’s been ongoing jousting between myself and the Bagwan regarding his infuriating claims of always being right.  I fight him on it the best I can but he IS the Bagwan and perhaps connected to better resources.  That said I’m much more cautious these days before making a wager with the ‘Holy Man.’

I happened to be in Legend’s a basement bar located in Cherry Creek, a very upscale shopping complex.  I was seated at a table in a corner booth facing the window.  While lost in my own thoughts, I couldn’t believe my eyes as out of the blue our very own Bagwan walks in taking a seat at the bar.  It was obvious he didn’t notice me as I’m sure he had many weighty issues to contemplate.

I decided not to say anything and simply observe.  Who knows he might reveal something I could hold over him—particularly if it leads to ME to being right and NOT the Bagwan.

Soon after our Holy of Holy’s ordered the ‘house’ Chardonnay some guy wearing an argyle sweater-vest over a lime green shirt came in and immediately pulls out his smart phone.  By now we’ve all seen people like this.  They’ve got their nose down and texting, reading, playing ‘Candy Crush’ or checking emails and will be self-absorbed for hours!  Unfortunately for (we’ll call him Cliff after the Cheer’s local know-it-all) he was one seat from the Bagwan.

Cliff took notice of Dez our young bartender with a nice body and purple streaks in her hair.  He immediately engaged her in a one-sided conversation.  He began by explaining he was going to Ireland in a couple weeks and his top priority was to kiss the ‘Blarney Stone.’  I think it was supposed to be funny….but nary a chuckle.  Then after regaling everyone in earshot about how the political differences between Northern Ireland and the Irish Republic was a direct result of Norman and English invasions; Dez had already slipped away glassy-eyed and unimpressed.

Undeterred, Cliff tried a different tactic.  When Dez returned with another drink and before she could run off, Cliff quickly blurted out “I actually donated $2,000 to East High School’s baseball program!!” Then he waited for Dez to tell him what a great guy he was for his generous act.

Crickets….what a complete moron!

With zero interest from Dez, it was back to his Smart Phone.  People like Cliff want desperately for you to like them and will spill their guts to anyone who’ll listen.  The Bagwan was now on his third glass of wine and noticeably agitated.  Cliff had no way of knowing what was coming as he responded to the ESPN talking heads about the mis-steps made during the NFL draft every year….

He had lit the fuse.

To demonstrate his vast knowledge of today’s game Cliff boasted that Tom Brady was a diamond in the rough as he was drafted in the 6th round.  The Bagwan’s interest was finally piqued and replied, “Yeah so was Terrell Davis!”  Cliff thinking he found a witness to his brilliance snapped back, “You don’t have to tell me anything about Terrell Davis, I’ve followed his career ever since he played at San Diego State!”

The enlightened one smelled blood in the water….and calmly said, “No Cliff that would be wrong….Davis played for Georgia.”  Knowing he had this nitwit by the short hairs the Bagster’s annoying wry grin appeared.  Not to be one upped, Cliff full of confidence (full of something anyways) and with elevated voice said, “I’ll bet you anything that you’re WRONG!”  The Bagwan swiveled his head ‘no’ in acknowledgment….still smiling.

Cliff immediately sought the Internet and after what appeared to be allot of triple checking of what he’d found turned ashen and dropped his phone hard on the bar.  In woefully painful tones and shaking his head in disbelief Cliff repeatedly cried aloud, “I can’t believe I didn’t know that!”  He said it so many times Dez had to remind him to keep it to himself!  The Bagwan was very pleased.

With just the right amount of cheese, the Bagster tossed a $20 to Dez with a wink & nod as to what had just taken place.  With surprising adjility the Holy Man jumped and clicked his heels waving goodbye without looking back!

There is no defense for Cliff’s idiocy in the above case, but I’ve personally suffered similar embarrassments with our Holy Man as have many others.  His aloofness has become legendary and while currently full of himself, I know of at least 5 plots to take the Bagwan down the road of incorrect!  He will fall…and fall hard!

zuki