Archive for category Ordained

BAGWAN SUCKS LIFE OUT LEGALIZED MARYJANE…..zuki looks for a reason

Bagwan gets hang of it

Bagwan gets hang of it

Good Morning Deflagrationers,

Not to be overlooked, and let’s face it sometimes that’s a blessing!  Our very own Bagwan has seen fit to weigh in on the politics of legalized marijuana.  Although his observations seem a bit desperate but we can most likely attribute that to bad weed.  His “Further Truth & Light” center on the former thrill of the hunt.  Twist one up and enjoy:

Legal marijuana – winners and losers.

The B. B. King song, “The Thrill is Gone” just about sizes up this situation. Zuki’s boys, Biff and Happy, had to explain to their crestfallen father that they had lost all interest now that it is legal. Cush’s son Matriculous (Matty to his friends), has wanted to be a drug dealer since he was 8 but now he is looking at learning glass glazing.  It is suddenly hard to get JJ to slip out back of Blondies to burn one.

In the interest of full disclosure I should tell you I never was a stoner; I just never enjoyed the high. I was always told it made you mellow but when you see some of these strident cocksuckers who were at the forefront of the legalization movement, mellow isn’t one of the words that comes to mind.

You know that thing about when something isn’t broken you don’t fix it; well that seems to apply here. There was not a single pot head, not one, who couldn’t get all he needed when he needed it. Guys like Dan the Bartender were supplementing their income and guys like Zuki had a little intrigue in their lives. In an instant it’s all legal and suddenly it’s no more fun than getting a supersized Pepsi in New York.

I remember when Zuki used to tell me he smoked weed because of back pain or was it knee pain. Then he told me he smoked it to help him sleep. Well now no one cares why he smokes it, so he has no need to make up excuses. He told me just last week that he really misses the excuses. He felt they added a patina of respectability to an otherwise bad habit.

The winners are harder to find. Maybe the state of Colorado could be considered a winner because of all the new tax revenues. Although the trade-off is that you cannot say where you are from without having to listen to all the predictable jokes. Just for future reference, we have heard all the ones about the “Mile High City.”

Peyton Manning might also be considered a winner in this. He bought 20 Papa Johns’ franchises here in town right before the new law went into effect and says that same store revenues are up 38% over the non-legal days. I’m sure that the Pillsbury people have seen a bump in brownie mix sales but other than that I’m not sure who came out on top in this whole mess.

We have seen all this before in this country. Go back to the Roaring ‘20’s when we had prohibition. All I know about the era is from books and film but boy it sure looked like they were having fun. Not just fun but glamorous fun with gangsters and flappers. Speakeasies filled with swells, bootleggers like old Joe Kennedy printing money and screwing movie stars and quaint holiday celebrations like the St. Valentine’s Day massacre.

I realize that the movie version might be fictional but it still had to be more fun than sitting in Deweys playing trivia with a bunch of old farts bitching about their wives, lives, jobs and kids. Of course having a hot coal pounded up your ass was more fun than that.

Well there is no use complaining, legal cannabis is here to stay. I only hope that there is a lesson learned here and they don’t try to mess up the good clean fun of meth and heroin.

Bagwan

BAGWAN’S DEATHBED OBSERVATIONS……..kisses scooby-doo a sad goodbye

flu19Good Morning Subfuscous Mourners,

It seems our very own ‘Bagwan’ has encountered a brush with his mortality.  While in the throes of a fever thinking he might be facing the last of his rotations, and struggling for cognitive thought, he selflessly shared his albeit skewed observations bidding farewell to Scooby-Doo.  Enjoy but please wash your hands in warm soapy water afterward:

 

Following in the steps of our genial host, I too am going to file a vacation report. My vacation started with my annual trip to see the Cleveland based grandkids. Turns out the little buggers were sick and within 3 days they managed to infect “Popo.” I spent the rest of the trip sick in bed only able to muster enough energy for the return trip to Littlewood the day after Christmas. I then spent another week at home in bed. The only accomplishment I can point to is that for the first time since 8th grade, I went two consecutive weeks without a drink.

Just like Zuki I used the idle time to contemplate the meaning of things. As you can well imagine given the difference in our spiritual and mental awareness there was a vast difference in what we contemplated. I was contemplating the meaning of life, while Zuki was getting high trying to conjure up a mental image of the vagina on that fat little warthog Rachael Ray.

I kind of like his plan for supplementing his retirement income. Applying his natural creativity to a cottage industry for Colorado’s legal cannabis business makes a lot more sense than his prior plan – which was waiting for his ship to come in to our landlocked state. I too am thinking about supplementing my dwindling retirement income. After watching a show on the Discovery Channel I am thinking about buying a couple of burro’s and beginning a search for the Lost Dutchman mine.

Zuki mentioned at the end of his piece that Blondie’s has changed hands. I fear this has huge implications for the principals of Curmudgeon Corner. JJ, Zuki and their band of merry men have now run off two different owners. The lead player in the new ownership group is very young. He has brought in consultants, not restaurant consultants but disaster recovery consultants. Apparently the first order of business is to eliminate that old man smell coming from one end of the bar… we shall see.

Let me end today’s report with an observation I made after being locked in a house for a week with children aged 15, 13 and 10. I was born in Los Angeles in 1948 so that since the first day I came home from the hospital there has always been a television in the house. I grew up believing that Uncle Miltie was really my uncle. I thought if I could just penetrate the screen I could be right there with Buffalo Bob and Howdy in the Peanut gallery.

I never bought into the idea that you needed to limit your kids’ access to TV.  Rich people have the luxury of being able to hire other people to raise their children so why couldn’t I let TV raise mine. When my kids were growing up the TV was on constantly and they watched diligently. When they had kids and dropped them off the first thing I would do is put on the Cartoon Network. My son and his son both share the legacy of Scooby Doo. I can’t tell you the pride I felt watching my youngest grandson master a double remote control system.

Thanks to the Smartphone that is all coming to an end.  These kids don’t watch broadcast TV because they never take their eyes off that device in their clammy little hands. My son-in-law must have 10 TV screens in his house but their only use is for games like “Madden” and “Call to Duty.” I can’t even get the 10 year old to watch Sponge Bob with me.  Facebook, Twitter, Snap Chat, Instagram, gaming, texting and God knows what else now occupy every waking moment.

For me it is the sad end of an era. I can only cling to the slender hope that they are using Hulu to watch reruns of Andy Griffith while they are in class at school.

Bagwan

BAGWAN’S PILGRIMAGE TO CLEVELAND……singing and dancing are optional

One of many 'Get-a-ways' for our Bagwan

One of many ‘Get-a-ways’ for our Bagwan

Good Morning Denizens of Chutzpah,

Ah it must be Christmas…. astonishingly our very own Bagwan seeks mystic radiance in Cleveland each year.  His particular ‘Holy Land’ and as evidence of his love for us the unwashed, he has allowed us a rare glimpse into the workings of Bagwan’s spiritual embodiment.  So without further adieu please enjoy additional ‘Truth and Light’ as anointed by the Bagwan:

 

It’s time for my annual trip to Cleveland to see the grandkids. Before you start all the Cleveland jokes let me tell you that it is not that bad. It has its own charm and I have never yet met anyone living there who wished they lived in Los Angeles.

The charm comes from the fact that it is something of a time capsule. When you don’t have a huge influx of people moving in from other parts of the country you simply keep doing it the way you always have. When I go to my grandsons’ basketball games at Catholic schools I am transported back into the ‘50’s when I was in grade school. Same architecture, same brick, same tiles and somewhere around the corner is the same nun (Sister Mary Paphneushous) waiting to rap me on the knuckles.

No question my appreciation of Cleveland is enhanced by the fact that I get to see three of my grandkids. Being a grandparent is by far the most satisfying role I have ever played in my life. I’ll bet that even Zuki’s grandparents liked him. I won’t bet a lot and I would need some odds.

I should admit that my trip doesn’t technically take me to Cleveland but rather to Avon Lake which is a suburb of Cleveland. Calling it a suburb doesn’t do it justice because it is really more of a small town which just happens to be close to Cleveland. It has its own personality and character and if you live there you really don’t ever have to go to Cleveland proper. If you get sick they even have their own branch of the Cleveland Clinic.

Probably not surprising that my favorite part of Avon Lake is that it has more than a few good neighborhood dive bars. Great places where everyone knows each other and each other’s business. After several years of attending and observing I have been accepted in a Jane Goodall kind of way. I have become such a regular in a couple of those places that I even get some votes in the local “Town Drunk” competition – no doubt embarrassing for the grandchildren.

This year in an effort to minimize my time in the local saloons I was going to come up with a project. I decided I was going write a musical. If that sounds strange let me tell you that you have no idea how strange. I hate musicals. I like music and I like stories but I don’t want to start to get involved in the plot only to have fucking Fred Astaire jump up on a table and start singing and dancing.

Anyways, the fact that it was difficult made it all the more tempting for me. I have never actually sat through a musical, either play or movie, so I didn’t know where to start. JJ is an aficionado of musical theatre and is often heard humming show tunes at the bar at Blondie’s – which has increased the diversity of the clientele there.

I lured him over to the bar at the South so I could get some of his undivided attention. When he is at Blondie’s he is distracted by all the unwashed groveling, asking his advice and trying to touch his garment. We had a good talk and after hearing about his favorite production I decided to do a fun parody that I was going to call “Hitler on the Roof.” Imagine my despair when I got home and Googled only to find that it had already been done.

I wonder if anyone has done “Saturday Night Fuhrer?”

Bagwan

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HOISTED ON THEIR OWN PETARD!……..zuki targeted for ‘wool gathering’

Don't let this happen to us!!

Don’t let this happen to us!!

Good Morning Village People,

It has come to my attention that Blondie’s intends to put a stop to excessive wool gathering at the bar. Without real proof it’s hard to determine if this policy has been inspired by me or some other mooch, but I’m concerned.  I’ve become the master of nursing a Vodka-Tonic for 60 minutes. The trouble with open directives though, is they must be adhered to by everyone regardless of the one or two people it’s meant to affect.

For a drinking establishment this is a slippery slope because it would reflect badly on management to appear to encourage immoderate drinking by enforcing a per-hour quota. I guess what really bothers me is the fact management couldn’t speak to me directly about this and felt it necessary to draft this corporate policy to get someone else atop my stool. Again all of this is yet to be substantiated, but my source is sometimes reliable depending on what day it is, so I assume it’ll be official by end of the week.

This represents significant change.

For the two or three of you still reading this philosophaster you know how much curmudgeons resist change, and fear the rules committee will not be consulted.  Chances are I’ll be alone on this as no other member would be concerned given their respective levels of consumption and will simply wave goodbye when I’m asked to leave.  Anticipating little or no support I think a didactic approach might be necessary in mitigating this pending gaffe.

I think it’s important to begin with a general definition don’t you? Here it is:

Departmental Directives are used to issue policies, procedures, and guidance which have general applicability for all patrons, as well as off-duty staff.

My defense is historically based. When injunctions or directives are initiated at any level of corporate or governmental hierarchies the eventuality of its initiator falling prey to their own directives is a foregone conclusion! Truly the boss has indeed created his/her own noose and eventually ‘hoisted on his/her own petard!’

Who can forget the Grant administration’s exorbitant payouts to members of a shell company for work on railroads never completed? This of course was from government coffers! In fact scandal plagued him his entire term causing him to become less popular than Bush-2.  Grover Cleveland fathers an illegitimate child, in spite of rumors indicating he couldn’t find his penis! This child grew up to drown Grover in his oversized bathtub!  Clinton getting BJ’s in the Oval Office is punished by being forced to live with Hillary!  ALL collective actions above were in defiance of clearly stated directives to the contrary!

To bring my point front and center so that my colleagues fully understand, let us not forget the countless indiscretions committed while sitting at the bar. It begs the question….do we need additional decrees at the bar?

Today the quota, tomorrow flatulence; where will it stop?

By insisting on an hourly quota without a collective protest we open Pandora’s Box! Once management sees how easily these corporate directives are absorbed, you mark my words the flood of rules concerning everything from dress codes to tipping will be in the form of signed memos! I trust the good patrons at Blondie’s will recognize the potential restrictions to our personal freedoms if this policy is adopted. I implore you for once in your drunken lives to look beyond this measure and see it for the insidious life sucking abomination it really is!!!

Have a nice day,

zuki

BAGWAN SAYS WORDS HAVE CONSEQUENCES………JJ due for seizure yeah baby!!

Yeah Baby!!!

Yeah Baby!!!

Good Morning Ninny Whiphers,

Once again our very own Bagwan has seen fit to dwell among we the unwashed to deliver more Truth & Light.  Today’s message is both a warning and of hope; you’ll have to decide which one applies to you.  So please put your hands together and give it up for the lofty one….I give you the Bagwan:

 

UPDATE (New shit has come to light)

Just a short while back we had a discussion here at the Diatribe about words. Words and expressions you don’t hear anymore, words that have had their meanings change over time and words that you wish you didn’t hear anymore.

In the last category of words you wish you didn’t hear any more I referenced my long time pet peeve, “just saying” and the current favorite of JJ, “Yeah Baby!!!” Zuki took me to task for singling out JJ, saying what harm can come from him yelling “yeah baby” every time the Broncos get a first down or even every time Dawn brings him a Coors Light?

Well it turns out Zuki was (dead) wrong yet again. Based on news reports coming out of Columbus Ohio there is apparently a great deal of harm that comes from the repeated use of the term. Let me share with you a couple of excerpts from an AP report about a very sad story:

  • Ohio State University football players, wrestlers and other from the community came together to remember the life of Kosta Karageorge, who at age 22, was found dead of an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound on Sunday.
  • Karageorge would always say, ‘Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby!’ just before coming out on the field to practice every day,” Ohio State rusher Ezekiel Elliott told the Associated Press on Wednesday.

Apparently the constant chants of “Yeah baby” are just as annoying to the user as they are to those of us who have to listen to them. Think about it for a moment, we listeners have the option of getting up and leaving while the poor guy saying it has no escape. He is a prisoner of his own queer addiction.

There will be an inquiry into what led this troubled man to shoot himself and no doubt they will find that he had brain damage related to concussions. I doubt they will be able to connect the dots from the brain damage to the “yeah babies” to the suicide – but trust me, brain damage and “yeah babies” are connected at the hip (please excuse the faulty imagery).

I bring all this up to point out to Zuki that he was wrong with his “what’s the harm” comment but more importantly to ask a couple of questions. Isn’t this just like the issue of second hand smoke? Are we all at risk here with continued exposure?

Prolonged exposure to annoying sounds can drive one to drink – we see that every day in Curmudgeon Corner. Listening to each other has clearly led to several hardened livers but it is frightening to think that it can lead to more desperate measures. I remember several years ago reading about a composer and arranger who shot himself shortly after he had been working with Celine Dion and John Tesh. Coincidence? I think not – annoying sounds can hurt.

Being annoying is not against the law, but being really annoying should be. Maybe some Ferguson type demonstrations are in order here. God knows that looting the Safeway could help Zuki balance out his diet.  Let’s make a commitment that this aggression will not stand. We will draw a line in the sand against saying things like ‘just saying,’ ‘yeah baby’ and maybe even ‘at the end of the day.’ Together we will make America (or at least Blondie’s) a safer place to live and drink.