Marzuki Online

Archive for category Mr. Hankey

WAS HE JUST SICK OR A VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCE…..zuki buys cough syrup.

Feb 20

Posted by Marzuki in Angry Bartenders, bastards, Beer, Blathering, Blood Sucking, Boy Scout, Crying, curmudgeon, Get on the Bus, Hypocrisy, Karma, Mommy, Mr. Hankey, Nipples, Old People, Pain, poor, Prep H, Suicide Pact, Technology, Urinal Cakes, Virgins, Weddings | 8 Comments

Good Morning Living Examples of Excuse Me but You’re in my Seat,

Long greeting…. But never mind, okay shit I owe the two or three of you reading this farrago some sort of an apology.  I’m simply fucking sick!  Flu like symptoms to be sure, but have a tough time dealing with flem in a gracious manner.  It’s very similar to the malady suffered last month, only worse!  Fever and ever increasing thoughts of suicide plague both my conscious as well as night terrors.  As you might guess, this leaves little time for rest let alone sleep.   I weep for my future!

My trifling maladies really aren’t relevant to today’s posting, but certainly must be considered when contemplating a reply/comment.  This will be a brief admonition but nonetheless important.  Okay, here goes, when Life’s Rich Pageant suggests working with animals, don’t fight it; just give in to living in animal squalor.  In nearly every case, Hollywood animal acts bring in twice union scale, leaving the actors twisting in the wind abandoned by their respective agents.  Go ahead pet the dog like you mean it!

zuki

PS:

I seem to be meandering looking for something that isn’t there, and for that I apologize.  For those of you and God knows who you are, rooting for me even in the most modest fashion, God bless you and yours.  Those of you wishing me ill, let me quote a well intentioned curmudgeon, “Look it up your ass!”  I hope I didn’t shock you with this abrupt and coarse language.  But I’m just sayin….

HUMBLE TRIBUTE TO DV’ANT….a flatulent zuki sees the light

Feb 8

Posted by Marzuki in Blathering, Blues, Butchered Songs, Colonoscopy, Dv'ant, Fecal Bliss, Humpty Hump, Mr. Hankey, Packed & Pressed, Prep H, Rectal Eclispe | 10 Comments

Good Morning Dv’ant Wherever You Are,

The following account is in tribute to our missing associate Dv’ant.  Nobody does shit like Dv’ant:

Has it ever occurred to the two or three of you reading this peroration that the cause of most misery stems from being constipated?  Yes that’s right.  The inability to have a normal bowel movement is what made Hitler such an asshole.  Historians have now determined the steady diet of goat cheese and fish heads plugged up the average Norsemen so badly they were incapable of any pleasantry thus from shear necessity had to rape and pillage their way to relief. 

Being plugged isn’t limited to old people either.  In American school aged children the rise in obesity has been front page news of late but has now been directly linked to this vile malady.  For years the skyrocketing weight gain of our children was blamed on ‘Happy Meals’ and at last is now being vindicated.  Not only are stopped up bowels uncomfortable, the added time in the system is causing weight gain.  Dr. Joe Philpot of the Children’s Hospital stated at a recent enclave of gastronomes “We owe the McDonald’s Corporation an apology.  We can now prove beyond all doubt the hated ‘Happy Meal’ is innocent!”

Philpot held up his hand signaling a pause, and then said “We’ve been able to create a drilling mechanism that will effectively and gently drain the stoppage allowing for normal metabolic activity” continued Philpot.  According to the good doctor the only side effect stems from excessive gas build up.  When the devise is inserted there is a release valve that is meant to gradually reduce the pressure.  If the attending staff isn’t careful a complete and utter ‘blow out’ can occur leaving the patient with what doctors call a ‘singing sphincter.’  It takes years for the stretched out tissue to regain its elasticity and until it does, every crop dusting and bowel movement results in the old Disney tune “Zippity Doo Dah;” all in A minor.   

zuki

THE MASTER VISTS “THE MASTERS”….zuki struts his stuff…. sort of

Jan 27

Posted by Marzuki in Bigotry, curmudgeon, Golf, Masters, Mr. Hankey, Road Trip, zealots | 6 Comments

Good Morning Hootie Johnson Wherever You Are,

In the ever widening technical gap between youth and curmudgeon-dom, there was a small but significant victory for those struggling with continual flashing 12:00’s.  Working for a high-tech company forever on the leading edge presents an ongoing challenge for this observer of things.  For those of you not aware of my current employment dilemma, I’ve submitted a plan to increase our market share among less populated cities utilizing a number of federal grant programs.  The younger sales force, several of which were hired by me some 13-15 years ago, has complained about my plan, crying these smaller departments are not worthy of their valuable time.  Considering their collective dismal year in 2011 they have little to stand on.  It’s time to do something different!

Our Product Manager and I were sent to what would be a typical location in my grand scheme to organize and execute a sales presentation to three county and five city (7,000 largest population of five) police departments.  We were to assess and report back.  This morning when I arrived for work, there were two email messages from this abbreviated list asking for formal quotes totaling $9,895.00!!  I was pleased to say the least!

Our Representative who only lives two hours away, declined to show up.  I suspect it was his way of thumbing his nose at my plan but ultimately it did not serve him well.  Not only did the new accounts become house accounts with zero commissions but was put on probation for his f-ing job…long overdue if you ask me!  I’VE BECOME THE MESSINGER OF DEATH!!

Having the mettle and wherewithal to conciliate small town Georgia law enforcement brought about an ebullience I’ve not felt for some time.  With a sense of purpose we made our way to Augusta National Golf Course; home of “The Masters” one of the major tournaments played by professional golfers.  The place is a conservative institution where decorum is paramount; it is a place where traditions and the integrity of the game are jealously guarded.  In short one the last bastions of bigotry that segregates financially; covering their collective asses.  

As we approached the course it became clear this hallowed ground developed by the legendary Bobby Jones is in fact a barbed wired compound with armed guards at every entry point.  It’s like having a beautiful couch but covered in plastic.  You can see the beauty but can’t feel and inhale the luxury.  We were forced to park in one of several overflow lots and cross a busy street.  Once at the “Member Entrance” the large Black man guarding the entry looked at his watch, and without looking up told me I had three minutes to take my ‘photo op.’  This explains the above photo.

Knowing the Augusta National Golf Club to be what it is DID NOT dampen my victory lap at the office though, and strutted around telling my fellow workers and execs “The old man still has it!”  I’ll have to tone it down today as I suspect it’s become a bit over the top.  Even though the immediate order was probably a fluke occurrence, I’m sticking to my story!

zuki

“HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS”….zuki hunkers down

Dec 22

Posted by Marzuki in Beer, Blues, Children, Christmas, Guilt Ridden, Hunker Down, Mr. Hankey, Nipples, Poo, Prep H, Rectal Eclispe, Santa, Thankful, Winter, zealots | 4 Comments

Good Morning Holiday Revelers,

I was channel surfing looking for something intelligent if not interesting to watch when I happened upon a “South Park” Christmas Special.  I idled there to see what it was about.  The show was an odd version of a ‘best of’ program only this time it was being hosted by “Mr. Hankey” a beloved turd with (this is for you JJOOAA) anthromorphical characteristics.  Dressed in a Santa hat and scarf ‘Mr. Hankey’ commented on his many appearances on the show; most of which were of questionable taste (pardon pun).

This Christmas will be much like Mr. Hankey’s trip down memory lane.  I’m traveling to Utah to spend some time with my parents and siblings with hundreds of nieces and nephews who don’t know me.  It’s inevitable that I’ll scare the shit out of one of them and create a scene.  Okay okay I can just here you now, “Dah zuki, why shouldn’t they be treated like the rest of us?”   I’m hip.   

I don’t want to leave the impression that I’m dreading the trip, however I’m having second thoughts about turning down my youngest son’s offer to stay home and get hammered with the old man Christmas day.  Honestly, I’m sort of excited about the trip.  I don’t see my family all that much, as I continue to point out that the road runs both ways.  Yet, if I didn’t make the effort I’d never see them.  The sentiment of family, tradition, and a good meal is a blessing I suppose but I always feel guilty when my thoughts turn to how fast I could leave.  Unfortunately I’m always thinking about “Getting the hell out of Dodge!”

My presents have been made.   I utilized my studio to make plaster handprints for everyone.  If you don’t get one don’t be too harsh.  Sometimes they get lost or broken thanks to our bankrupt U.S. Postal service.   Call me paranoid but I believe when you mark a package ‘FRAGILE’ the handlers take pride if not pleasure out of tossing the box around flippantly doing the exact opposite.  But let’s not dwell on the negative, because after all it’s Christmas!  It’s the one time out of the year when even though it’s all about me, I also think of others. 

It doesn’t have to be grandiose gestures or rose pedals, rather its things like opening a door for someone, throw a couple bucks in the kettle, buy a round of drinks, tip your waitress 100%, or something as simple as an empty compliment;  “That’s a lovely dress you’re wearing Mrs. Cleaver.”  All these things tend to brighten the lives of those you’ve encountered. 

This all said, deep down inside I just want to get it over with and be done.  So from all of us at the ‘Diatribe’ we wish you and yours a reasonably well executed Christmas celebration.  But if Christmas or your particular holiday such as Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or some other pagan man-made ritual gets ruined, please don’t come crying to me because I told you so!

MERRY F-ING CHRISTMAS!

zuki