Marzuki Online

Archive for category Innocent

WE’VE BECOME A POLICE STATE…..zuki ties a yellow ribbon

Apr 9

Posted by Marzuki in Arrested, Balding, Bigotry, Blood Sucking, Butchered Songs, Cod Piece, Cops, Dead Musicians, Elitist, Free Samples, Handicaped people, Hunker Down, Innocent, Karma, Lie to Me, Masters, Mr. Hankey, Old People, Pigs, Singing, Suicide Pact, zealots | 9 Comments

Good Morning, and Malfeasance Aside:

I’m particularly troubled today (surprise there eh), at the unabashed harassment of those of us that drive within reason, and always with a purpose. As many of you are aware, Police traffic officers are primarily made up of young 23 to 27 year old men and now have admitted women to the club. This has created a senescent-gap between the “Baby Boomers” and the Sub-X generation. I’m old enough to be their fathers, and represent an authority figure such as a school teacher, or probably a coach they hated and not far removed from their lives. This has not only become a problem, but has now reached societal persecution on the highest level, there needs to be governmental protection. Let me give you an example:

I’m driving down the street enjoying the recently arrived Spring weather (Denver is always 6 weeks behind the rest of the country) listening to one of my favorite CD’s from Tony Orlando and Dawn; “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round’ the Old Oak Tree” and had the volume up, as it’s a real toe-tapper. Unbeknownst to me a young motorcycle cop was two car lengths behind and in the opposite lane, and couldn’t help but hear my musical selection. Within minutes he pulled me over. He said it was because of my excessive speed. I was going 29 in a 25 mph zone! I had no idea he was harboring such animosity.  What a supreme prick! The truth was finally revealed as to his motivation.  Just as he returned my license, he said, “sir, as a word to the wise, you may want to either turn your music down or select another CD, because you’re going to piss off every officer in ear-shot of your car”. He walked away grinning at me with a smirk reminiscent of the playground; “naa-nan-a-nan-ah”. I wanted to ground him for a month!

So please, those of you who can see the victimization and brutal prejudice permeating our great land, join with me in writing your Senator. It’s never too late to write a strongly worded letter detailing your outrage.

Revolution Now!!!!

zuki

MY LEFT SHOE…..zuki defies physics

Mar 19

Posted by Marzuki in Art, Assembly Required, Blathering, brain dead, curmudgeon, Cush, Dv'ant, Innocent, Karma, Left foot, Live Happily Everafter, Meltdown, Mysteries, Occupy This, Political Correctness, Preminition, Singing, Stupid, tsunami, Urinal Cakes, Virgins | 10 Comments

Good Morning Children of One Foot in Front of the Other,

Throughout the ages there have been unsolved mysteries that still baffle scientist or other self-described experts even today. Easter Island, Elvis, and Cush are right there with UFO’s or paranormal phenomena. Being cynical by nature, I dismiss most of these things out of hand. Next to Blondie’s I’ve never experienced anything one would consider inexplicable, so I plod along assimilating life’s rich pageant and hopefully learn the lessons contained therein. Certainly it’s tough enough without having to worry about aliens or ghosts. I mention this simply to provide context for what I’m about to unfold.

Over my last several rotations I’ve begun to notice something odd about my shoes that require laces. As do most of you, I own a pair of boots, sneakers, and Dockers, all of which require shoe laces.  Up until the last few years I’ve managed to tie a bow that is even and straight across the tongue; perfect. It’s not necessarily unusual for one’s laces to become untied and have to execute the same knot and then continue on, however recently I’ve noticed that it’s only the left shoe that needs this attention. This oddity needs to be done at least three times daily. Never the right, only the left! I use the same two-handed technique to secure a good bow, and always make sure to pull the knot tightly as possible. Yet within hours the left shoelace is untied. It makes no difference what pair of shoes I’m wearing; it’s always the same result.

I can hear the two or three of you reading this adamantine “Zuki why in Bagwan’s name would you choose to discuss this?”  I’m hip.  Normally one would refrain from telling this weird accounting of flawed chopines to friends or relatives because an intervention would surely follow.  Nevertheless, the association at the bar(s) is different in that most things discussed there are silly, so I gave it a shot. I explained this bizarre tale of ‘my left shoe’ to a few of my associates in hopes of eliciting a logical explanation, or at the very least sympathy. As you’ve no doubt already guessed, I got neither. To give you a little taste of what I was forced to listen to, I’ve given a small synopsis of the suggestions received by my associates. Please consider the source before judging these morons too harshly:

DV’ANT’s Theory:

He insists my confliction is caused by the spirit of my ex-wife, who by the way is not dead. Somehow her spirit is following me around untying my shoe to drive me mad. He predicted that if I didn’t succumb to madness, to expect cut brake lines…jeez I might buy into this if she had passed on, but I’ve got to believe she’s got bigger fish to fry than send her spirit out to “taunt me a second time,” but I intend to get my brakes checked anyway.

JJ’s Confession:

JJ has taken credit for my ongoing dilemma and confessed to a clandestine vendetta against me for the many revelations of his life of perversion as outlined in this our humble forum. He says he’s able to sneak up, kneel down and gently loosen my shoelace, then wait for me to notice. He claims it gives him pleasure. While I’m certain this isn’t the only time he’s kneeled in front of another man, but it hardly explains the hundreds of occurrences outside the bar!

Bagged One’s Comment:

“It’s because you’re gay!” I expected little else.

Obviously there are forces at work here beyond my comprehension nor is there a plausible explanation. I suppose it will go down in history as yet another example of how little we collectively know about our universe and will be added to the long list of inexplicable occurrences. Meanwhile, I’ve invested in the virtues of Velcro.  Jeez.

zuki

PLEASE CHECK YOUR FREE SAMPLES….zuki brings his own silverware

Mar 7

Posted by Marzuki in bastards, Can't fix Stupid, Crying, Dog Lover, Dv'ant, Free Samples, Innocent, Judgement Day, Karma, Mr. Hankey, Offensive, PETA, sperm, Stupid, Taste Test, Thankful | 5 Comments

Good Morning Yogurt Lovers,

Sadly the following article is posted as a PSA and intended to remind you of the inherent dangers of accepting ‘samples’ at your local grocery store.  In fact one our missing ‘Rules Committee’ members suffered a similar experience when sampling Dog Food for his beloved vicious pet.  The ensuing legal action resulted in a settlement that unfortunately won’t allow the substance in question to be disclosed.  Please be careful.

THE MANAGEMENT

Anthony Garcia pleaded guilty in the case in October, admitting he contaminated a sample of the yogurt he was handing out at an Albuquerque Sunflower Market in January 2011. He was sentenced Thursday.

Garcia also admitted putting some of his semen on a plastic spoon that he placed with the yogurt. The 32-year-old then approached a female customer and offered her a sample.

The woman told police that after tasting the sample, she spit on the floor several times and wiped her mouth on the garment she was wearing to get the taste out of her mouth.

Federal prosecutors called the allegations “sickening and appalling.”

Garcia had faced up to three years in prison. –Associated Press Feb 14, 2012-03-07

WILL KARMA GET EVEN?….zuki has good intentions…again

Feb 4

Posted by Marzuki in Boy Scout, brain dead, Can't fix Stupid, Crying, Darwin Award, Guilt Ridden, Hovel, Hunker Down, Innocent, Judgement Day, Karma, Pain, Road Trip, Sackcloth & Ashes, Snow storms, Torture, Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Good Morning Do-gooders,

Do you believe in ‘Karma?’  What goes around comes around?  Do you believe there’s a ledger sheet in the sky in which deeds are measured and balanced?  I’m a bit conflicted about an incident last Friday and seek solace here at the ‘Diatribe.’  As you may have heard, we mountain folk got hammered with two straight days of blizzard conditions dumping more than 2 feet of snow!  Even by Denver standards this was a big storm.    My greatest challenge from these storms is not being locked in.  Riding out the weather watching “I love Lucy” reruns or reading some goofy spy novel is not my idea of fun.  I know from past experience if I can escape and get onto a major thoroughfare I can get to those places to enjoy my normal lifestyle.  Yes, you’ve already guessed it, “The Bar.”

It took nearly 30 minutes to dig my car out and make it street worthy.  I plowed my way through the lot and down the breezeway leading to the street.  There’s only one way in and out of my hovel and low and behold there’s a women stuck in the V shaped gutter adjacent to the street full of snow and slush as anyone with a brain would expect.  Sitting in my car I knew I’d be called on to push her, besides I wasn’t going anywhere until she could extricate herself.  I put the gloves on and got out just as she did.  

It was clear she had no idea what to do so I explained she’d need to rock it back and forth using ‘D’ and ‘R’ while I pushed during the ‘D’ phase.  Traction being a premium it was impossible to make headway.  Sucking it up I kept pushing not for her, but for me so I was motivated to continue.  Sensing escape was near she gunned the engine spraying me up and down with slush but finally made it out!  However, just as I waived acknowledging her “thank you” she unexplainably turned back toward the curb and got trapped again.  Having to deal with oncoming traffic I was reluctant if not afraid to help her a second time.  I was exhausted and cold.

From the car I continued to watch her in disbelief.  She again got out of her car and futilely kicked snow from in front of her tires.  All she managed to do was further enmesh her so she gave up, got out of her car, and stood behind it like the ‘damsel in distress.’  Not once did she make eye contact with me, so as soon as it was clear I took off fast enough to get through the gutter and onto the street never looking back. 

Was this bad?  Am I a terrible person?  Was that my responsibility? Does her abject stupidity factor into this?

Look I’ve had my share of unfortunate situations and certainly don’t need additional pain.  Yet I did work hard allowing the nitwit to escape.  Is not that worthy of the plus column?  But as Ron White would say, “You can’t fix stupid!”  Just sayin….

zuki

NURSE CUSH SAVES THE DAY….zuki discovers beer

Jan 23

Posted by Marzuki in Beer, brain dead, Colonoscopy, Cush, Health Issues, Humpty Hump, Innocent, Pain, stinky feet, Urinal Cakes | 9 Comments

Good Morning Victims of Self-Esteem,

This weekend provided some much needed rest to at last defeat the first malady of the 2012 rotation.  This one has been pretty aggressive.  Not only the congestion normally associated with a cold, but this one included the dreaded dry coughing fit at 2:00 AM.  I took ‘Zicam’ to supposedly lessen the cold’s severity, but it’s difficult to say whether or not it worked.  It’s taken most of a week, and the symptoms have diminished somewhat, but that’s about as long as I remember a cold lasting anyways!  I’m concerned I may have fallen victim to two things; letting hope overcome reason, and a slick marketing campaign.  But to be honest I didn’t follow the directions and was inconsistent at best.

I was walking to Blondies on Friday for Dawn’s (our tough as nails bartender) birthday/bon voyage party and noticed the wind to be howling through the breezeway my pathway to the bar.  It had to be near 80 mph!  Half-way I noticed a large garbage bag (empty) zigging and zagging its way toward me.  Every time I moved it would shift directions and again fling itself at me until unavoidably it hit me in the face and immediately wrapped around my head.  It smelled of burnt rubber but more importantly I was blind.  For reasons unknown to me I continued to walk while trying to extract myself and ran directly into a metal sculpture.  I don’t know the artist but ironically it was an abstract of a man hoisting what appears to be a beer.  I had knocked myself unconscious.

When I came to the first thing I saw was Cush holding a sandwich to my face telling me to eat it.  Words don’t begin to describe the horror of such a visual assault.  Besides all he could offer was a potato and baloney with Mayo; it was actually pretty good.  Cush helped me to my feet but I still felt a bit unsettled and found one of several benches and sat down.  Nurse Cush in his zeal to heal disappeared into Blondies and returned with a plastic cup of beer.  You must understand, drinking beer is Cush’s cure for everything!  Sipping my medicinal beer I was puzzled by his insistence that beer has mystical powers.  “What other maladies do you think beer cures?” I queried.  Cush puffing up his chest replied, “Oh shit there’s a ton of things beer can treat!”  He then began to list them.  “It cures phlebitis, jock itch, sausage fingers, constipation, dandruff, cock-eyed-ness, worts, pancake breath, dry mouth, and makes a damn fine colonic.”  I was stupefied!

I rubbed the rather large goose egg that had appeared after my collision and got to my feet.  Nurse Cush insisted that he pour the remainder of my beer directly over my wound guaranteeing me it would greatly reduce the swelling and ease the pain. Unfortunately, he also managed to spill beer down the front of my shirt.  I made a silent promise to kill him.

Still a bit unsteady I began to stagger toward Blondies and as luck would have it the Littlewood Police was parked in front.  Holding the few drops of beer left in the cup and smelling like a brewery I was arrested for public intoxication and taken straight to ‘De-tox’ for observation.  Jeez.

If the two or three of you reading this remora happen to see Cush please tell him his days among the living are numbered!!

zuki