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Archive for category Humpty Hump

GET OFF YOUR ASSES!….zuki stands alone

Apr 2

Posted by Marzuki in Blood Sucking, brain dead, Cellulite, Drunken sloppy, Fat, Fine Dining, Get on the Bus, Humpty Hump, Old People, Pain, Sleep | 11 Comments

Good Morning Grousers,

I’ve got nothing! Nada, “negatory good buddy” nope, zippo, goose egg, zilch, nil, and naught explains today’s posting.

Do you sit on your ass 11 hours a day? There’s an article in Reuters about a study of people whose diet, weight, and exercise levels didn’t matter. If you sit 11 hours or more a day you risk shortening your life dramatically. I’ve got the link below:

http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/03/30/us-australian-tv-idUSBRE82S15J20120330

9 hours a day at work, 1 hour in a car, 3 hours at the bar, 3 hours TV/reading, and straight to bed. Even on the weekends; studio, golf, lunch, and the bar easily goes beyond the 11 hour minimum. Hopefully it’s not too late to change things around, in fact I’m writing this note while standing. It’s not the most comfortable position but I think with some practice I can cut my sitting time in half. I’ll keep you posted.

zuki

PATRICK FANNING HAS ISSUES…..zuki finds love in a coat room

Mar 20

Posted by Marzuki in Boogaloo, Boy Scout, Brush w/Greatness, Celebrities, Chubby Dancing, Circumcision, Cod Piece, Cold & Hard, Crying, Drunken sloppy, Football, Guilt Ridden, Humpty Hump, Karma, Mr. Hankey, Packed & Pressed, Party Animal, Peyton Manning, Rectal Eclispe, Sackcloth & Ashes, sperm, Taste Test, Tebow, Transgender | 4 Comments

Good Morning Archie Wherever You Are,  

With all the Fanning hype I’ve been somewhat reluctant to bring up what’s sure to be controversial if not embarrassing for the Fanning families.  The only reason I’m unveiling this story now, is to prove to the two or three of you reading this ‘muff dive’ that Patrick Fanning is not infallible.  That’s right Mr. Clean got a little out of his league back in Chicago. 

Few know or remember that Fanning was awarded membership in the Phi Beta Kappa Society in 1997.  As you know, the Phi Beta Kappa Society “celebrate and advocate excellence in the liberal arts and sciences”; and induct “the most outstanding students of arts and sciences at America’s leading colleges and universities.” Unbeknownst to most of you I also am a member in good standing of this wonderful organization.  There’s an annual meeting of the society membership and like most such conferences they’re held in a different city throughout North America each year.  I normally don’t bother with this or class reunions, but I happened to be in Chicago in 1998 on business at the same time so I registered.

I’d finished with my sales calls (formal suit and tie) and headed directly to ‘Water Tower Place’ home to the Omni Hotel.  I walked in and secured my name badge and gift bag.  I never know quite what to do with a cheap logo bag containing stationary and a meal ticket so I generally leave it on a chair and move on.  I used to bring them home to my kids until they got old enough to realize Dad was a cheapskate!

I found the cocktail ‘mixer’ and headed in.  There was already a pretty good crowd gathered with a line four deep at the two portable bars brought in.  I snagged a Vodka Tonic and began to survey the room.  I’d been divorced almost a year and continually on the lookout for ‘nasty’ women seeking “hump-hump” particularly at an out of town hotel!  Standing near the fireplace were two nice looking women talking with a young Patrick Fanning.  Although his rookie year being the #1 draft pick I immediately recognized him and joined them in conversation.  The older woman ended up being the young woman’s aunt who was also a member.  The drinks flowed non-stop so by the time the band began to play Evelyn was feeling no pain, and I saw a big ‘green light.’

Young Fanning and Evelyn’s niece found a quiet spot in the adjoining ball room.  However, soon after, everyone heard high pitched screaming.  It wasn’t a scream of pain or pleasure, rather a scream of shock.  It was muffled a bit by the band, but was distinct.  Evelyn sobered up and acted like she knew exactly what was happening.  She grabbed my hand and together we made our way to the ball room and walked in hitting the light switch at the same time.

The squealing was coming from Patrick!  It seems the niece turned out to be Evelyn’s nephew and had our new quarterback pinned trying to force the hapless Fanning into a perverted ‘69’ position with our boy’s trousers around his ankles.  Evelyn screamed “Larry get off him right now…you heard me…right now!  You promised me….Damn it Larry you promised” and then quickly turned around and left the room with me in hot pursuit.  Pulling out a cigarette it was clear Evelyn was upset.  I tried to console her but was inconsolable.  “Does this mean you and I are not having sex” I plied?  “No I’m not in the mood” she quipped stubbing her cigarette out in a soiled coffee cup.  Brushing me aside she got her coat and left in a huff. 

Damn it!

Fanning appeared soon after straightening his coat and tie.  Without a word we briefly made eye contact as he walked past me to the elevators and disappeared.

Welcome to Denver Patrick!  If you need to get hooked up let me know.  I’ll put you in touch with JJ who also enjoys visits with his nieces.

zuki

DANCE JJ DANCE!….zuki shuffles off to buffalo

Mar 13

Posted by Marzuki in Beer, Boogaloo, brain dead, Chubby Dancing, Drunken sloppy, Fine Dining, French Dip, Get on the Bus, Gotta Dance, Hack & Slash, Humpty Hump, Karma, Lie to Me, Mardi Gras, Nipples, Old People, Peeping Tom, Pros sort of, Rumors, Shotgun, Singing, Stupid, Thankful, Transgender, Virgins, zealots | 11 Comments

Good Morning Shirley Temple Wherever You Are,

Well it’s finally happened.  Last Saturday JJ was again spotlighted doing the “Shimmy shimmy CoCo Pop” much to the delight of what could only be called women from the ‘Home.’ Evidently the Senior Bus runs past 5:00 PM and the lady ‘blue hairs’ were out in force and all over our ‘twinkle toes’   JJ felt compelled to script his abject joy for the world to see.  Enjoy:

 

DANCE INSPECTOR(DI) LEARNS THE CORPORATE HALF-STEP

I hustled through the Charleston Airport, headed for the nearest men’s can-can.  It seemed like weeks ago that I had been bumped from MOI flight from Macarena, where I had been working as a Dance Instructor at the local Arthur Murray Dance Emporium… but it had reely only been a day-and-a-half… but WHAT a day-and-a-half it had been!

WHAT with the long layover and the just-plain-bad plane food (funky chicken, mashed potatoes, buck-and-wings in paso-doble salsa … mosh pits removed, of course… and for dessert, rumba meringue from the Cakewalk), I was fighting the fox-tots and quick steps. It was reel late and I was feeling like cotton-eyed Joe with a bad case of the jitterbugs.

WHAT with the long layover at the Macarena Airport, and the even longer leg to Charleston, I remember only scant portions of my beverage intake over the last day-and-a-half or so… I had lost track of time in general, and local time in particular.

I vaguely recollect imbibing a jig or 6 of Irish, 2 Sambas, and a triple Watusi (“Waaa-Waa-Wa-tusi” to the locals) with a twist!

I popped into the can-can to take another un-clogging schottische.  As I sat and planned MOI evening, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d sashay into some hootchy-kootchy tonight or maybe at least get a free fandango.

My frequent bouts of fox-trots and quicksteps had subsided enough that I felt I could make the trip into town.  Just MOI luck, The Electric Slide had made its last run for the evening.  I didn’t feel much like hitchhiking… so I strolled over to The Moonwalk on Cotillion C where various bars and eateries were krumped into a narrow quadrille.

I was in town to interview with MOI BIG Bossa Nova about a promotion which would propel MOI from Dance Instructor to Dance INSPECTOR!… and I was not about to stay out too late.  It was but 20 minuets to 11 local time so  I knew I could still stomp for an hora or two.

MOI first stop was at “Hornpipes.”  There was a frug of bunny-hoppers gathered around some Pogo who balleted MOI to join them.  I shimmied into the circle booth, and ordered a Chivas Reggae.  I could only endure Pogo’s hokey-pokey for one drink, so I ordered a round of Lemon Lambadas for the table, and waltzed out.

I moved next door to Boogaloo’s which was a little too cha-cha… even for MOI.  But I took a seat at the bar anyway.  I ordered a Tarantella on tap, a pony of Flamenco, and munched on a small disco of complimentary boogie-woogies… the rest of the night went swimmingly.  

In the morning I hopped a tango to MOI interview at “The Freddy” (aka The Galactic HQ of Arthur Murray’s Dance Emporium Empire).  I was early, and waited patiently in the corporate conga… iPhone surfing Hula.com for diversion.

When MOI time came, I was shuffled into a large polonaise where the BIG Bossa Nova was seated at a huge polka table which he apparently used as a desk. 

Turns out this monkey was a reel jerk with bad shag-head and an even worse demeanor.  He fingered his fake polka-dot bolero while he tried to explain their two-step promotion process with some mambo-jumbo hully-gully. 

MOI eyes glazed over just listening to this robot.  Realizing I might be falling into career limbo with this gig, I decided to escape.  I got up and, suppressing an urge to lock, pop, drop, and break this Pogo with a calypso chop, I sauntered out.

‘Tis better to be a respected Dance Instructor, I rationalized, than to compromise MOIself for the sake of mere advancement!!!

Respect MOI, respect MOI very much.

 

SINGING NAKED TAKES BALLS…..zuki offers mentoring

Mar 8

Posted by Marzuki in Blues, Brush w/Greatness, Butchered Songs, Dead Musicians, gossip girl, Gotta Dance, Humpty Hump, Nipples, Singing | 10 Comments

Good Morning Accapellians,

While most of us will sing in the shower very few would sing to a crowd.  Although if you listen carefully the Bagged One can be heard utilizing his world famous falsetto but unfortunately he has yet to reach the right key or pitch.  The PSA below is intended to point out the dangers of singing naked.  Don’t try this at home and please consult a professional to avoid pitfalls.  “Zuki Promotions” will guide our female guests through naked Accapella with minimal money upfront.  Please practice safe perusal.

THE MANAGEMENT   

Compelling Explanations

– In December, music teacher Kevin Gausepohl, 37, was charged in Tacoma, Wash., Municipal Court with communicating with a minor for immoral purposes, allegedly convincing a 17-year-old female student that she could sing better if she tried it naked. Gausepohl later told an investigator of his excitement about experimenting at the “human participant level” to determine how sexual arousal affects vocal range. The girl complied with “some of” Gausepohl’s requests, but finally balked and turned him in. [The News Tribune (Tacoma), 12-29-2011]

JJ’s LIFETIME OF DANCE PAYS PRICE….zuki says he’s no balanchine

Mar 4

Posted by Marzuki in Always Anonymous, Beer, Boy Scout, Butchered Songs, Children, Dead Musicians, Get on the Bus, Gotta Dance, Hack & Slash, Hobbies, Humpty Hump, Lie to Me, Live Happily Everafter, Pain, Puke, Virgins, Wasted Time | 14 Comments

Good Morning Sissies,

There’s been allot of talk of late regarding twinkle-toes JJ and his skill as a hoofer.  The comments were divided equally in their praise or condemnation in my opinion; nevertheless I intend to resolve this controversy once and for all. 

In a brilliant series of misdirection and lies I was able to contact JJ’s sister without our good friend’s knowledge.  According to Sis, JJ as a brother was a tyrannical brute imposing his will on his younger sister delighting in her pain.  I take this report with a grain of salt because being the eldest of six siblings I’ve been falsely accused of similar would-be atrocities.  JJ’s sister was accommodating to say the least and seemed to revel in this opportunity to describe her elder brother’s ‘odd’ behavior.  Typically Sis is very quiet and reserved rarely drawing attention to herself so her enthusiasm was a bit puzzling.

My first question was straight to the point.  “Did JJ always love to dance, or did he begin hoofing later in life?”  “Oh dear Lord…JJ started dancing for his aunts and uncles with loads of neighborhood kids when he was three years old.”  “Really?” I replied still not convinced.  “I thought you’d be skeptical so I brought a few old photographs for you.” Reaching in her purse she retrieved an old Lippmann plate depicting a 7 year old JJ in ballet shoes and tights posed with arms raised in a simulated pirouette.  I’m sure JJ had no idea this photo still had legs.  Sis pulled the remaining photos out and laid them in chronological order.  I must admit I was not prepared for what I saw. 

At twelve JJ left the Boy Scouts much to the chagrin of his father and organized an after school dance club calling themselves “The Highland High Steppers.” Evidently JJ led the club in after-school performances for anyone willing to watch.  Sis recalled Sister Hamilton JJ’s homeroom teacher as being very supportive, saying “JJ was as graceful as any boy I’d seen in 24 years of teaching.” This said, there was a dark side to his all consuming desire to dance in that he was bullied and mocked mercilessly.  

At sixteen the next photo showed JJ on the high school stage dressed in black tights and a baggy black sweatshirt.  According to Sis, JJ opted out (No Mas) of the Junior Prom to instead perform his personal interpretation of “West Side Story” playing both the ‘Jet’s’ and ‘Shark’s leads.  When he’d dance the Shark numbers he donned a ‘Zoot Suit’ for authenticity.  Unfortunately his singing skills were not on a par with his dancing prowess.  Halfway through “Maria” he was heckled and literally run off the stage and then beaten senseless.

The most telling photo and no doubt the saddest captured our own JJ dressed in drag flanked on either side by two other men in drag.  They were a part of a USO show in Viet Nam performing Gilbert & Sullivan’s “The Mikado” featuring the number “Three little maids from school.”  According to Sis, the performance was so spectacular Bob Hope asked them to return and take another bow!

God…I think I’m going to be sick!

I could go on but I think the two or three of you left reading this Glyndebourne can see where this is going.  It’s crystal clear to this observer that JJ was born to dance!  His flair for arrangement, his eye for color, and his stunning sense of timing says it all….don’t you think?

zuki