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“GIVING IT UP FOR YOUR LOVE”…..zuki walks toward the light

May 17

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Art, Beer, Blues, Boogaloo, Brush w/Greatness, Celebrities, Concerts, curmudgeon, Dead Musicians, Death, Gotta Dance, Health Issues, Humpty Hump, Kona, Live Happily Everafter, Old People, Party Animal, Rich & Famous, Shriveled Liver, Sobriety, zealots | 9 Comments

Good Morning Sunshine & Lace,

Last week I had the occasion to patronize the Gothic Theater to watch Delbert McClinton entertain mostly geezers and old ‘Hippies’ bent on recapturing the quickly evaporating past.  The Gothic Theater is no doubt like many old ‘Art Deco’ theaters built in the 30’s – 40’s either long since torn down or saved as historic landmarks.  The upstairs mezzanine has its own bar in addition to a large bar at the back of the main floor near the entrance.    For those of you born after the Vietnamese “Conflict” Delbert taught John Lennon of Beatles fame how to play a little used instrument today called the harmonica.  After suffering through a couple of warm up acts (Delbert’s kid) that left me ready to pack it in, Delbert’s band was introduced and finally the “house was a rockin’.”  

All focused in closely observing one of the white legends of the blues join his band in a raucous rendition of “Givin’ it up for your love” with a harmonica solo that has been forever his signature.  Chair dancing, head bobbing, and mild shuffling could be observed from any vantage point in the theater.  Our own ‘twinkle toes’ Joe was so taken by the music he hop scotched down the aisle to dance with an old woman who had braced herself against one of the several support pillars on the main floor.  Without warning JJ grabbed her arm believing she’d be thrilled with the chance of cutting a rug with our own Just Joe!  Unfortunately given the number of rotations she’s witnessed it was clear by her smile the mind was willing, but her body could no longer cash the checks and fell to the floor.  When all nearby saw what had happened, they immediately looked to JJ most of them thinking what a dirt-bag he was for pushing an old woman to the ground!  In a panic, JJ instead of helping the woman to her feet, turned away and ducked back into the crowd headed for the bar.  I tell you it was shameful!

I wandered down past JJ’s debacle and got close to the stage.  I couldn’t tell from where I was standing at the bar just how much this legend had aged since last I had the pleasure.  Pushing 70 rotations he still had fire in the belly and gave his all, toweling off every couple of minutes.  But after six or seven songs he announced to the crowd that he was taking a break and would be back ‘shortly.’  His band continued without him, but I paid my $40 to see Delbert yet understood why the breaks were necessary.  This made me sad.  I thought to myself, “WOW….one more reminder of our collective grind toward death…jeez”  In addition to Delbert’s obvious decline you may have watched the Rolling Stones and Tom Petty’s pathetic performances at recent Super Bowl half-times.  I’ve vowed this was to be my last journey to watch aging hero’s of yesteryear’s anthology.  I have enough reminders of my own deterioration and don’t need additional slaps to the face.

Okay, I fully understand that aging will affect my physical and maybe mental state exponentially from here on in.  Yeah I get it.  That said though, I also vow to go kicking and screaming sliding head first into home plate using ALL of the runway!  Most importantly though, I must find a way back to Kona.  Whenever my last breath is scheduled I want to be on a secluded beach and become crab food.

zuki

CUSH SEES PROGENY REDEFINED….zuki falls for vaporizer

May 14

Posted by Marzuki in bastards, Beer, Bigotry, Blathering, brain dead, Can't fix Stupid, Children, Chubby Dancing, Crying, Drunken sloppy, Fat, FOOD, Get on the Bus, Graduate, Hack & Slash, Handicaped people, Hell, Humpty Hump, Ice Sculpture, Knife & Fork, Nipples, Packed & Pressed, Party Animal, Peeping Tom, Puke, Rumors, Shriveled Liver, Sobriety, Teamsters, Technology, Urinal Cakes, Vaporizer | 15 Comments

Good Morning ‘Pinky’ Lifters,

Last weekend was a milestone for Cush and his family.  Cush’s youngest son actually earned his high school diploma, and distinguished himself from his parents and older brother who obtained G.E.D.’s after dropping out of high school.  In the years I’ve known this family, I can’t remember when I’ve seen our Cush so filled with pride.  Typically he’s filled with something else, but last Saturday our boy became the consummate host of a backyard grad party with all the trimmings.  Do you remember ever getting an ‘ice sculpture’ for graduation?  Yes in addition to the ice sculpture (rigged for pouring booze down its length to chill it), there was a ‘corn hole’ beanbag game, four canopies covering tables and chairs for the distinguished guests, pulled pork, 20’ Subway sandwich, music (chainsaw variety), Aunt Myrna in person, half-dozen rug rats, full keg of…..ugh…Bud Lite, vaporizer, and all the accoutrements one could ingest, inhale, or otherwise consume!  It was truly a well thought out affair complete with chronological pictures of baby, child, teen, and graduating son.

My first sense of things turning south, and it seems they always do, was saying hello to ‘Charlie’ Cush’s stepbrother who managed to get blotto’d before a single guest arrived.  He was planted in the porch swing passed out, mouth agape, and a steady flow of drool collecting on his AC – DC T-shirt.  Knowing full well it could only get better, like clockwork Cush descended from nowhere and snagged our expensive bottle of whiskey pouring shots down the ice sculpture for his ex-con stepbrother and the boys from the union hall.  Stranahan’s brought as a gift by JJ and yours truly, thinking the adults would understand how it’s to be enjoyed, were utterly shocked but not surprised by its abuse!  For those non-mountain folk, Stranahan’s is a local Colorado distillery which has been featured on the ‘History’ channel as part of a world tour of the finest spirits.  It’s a blended Whiskey 94 proof and considered a fine ‘sipping’ whiskey. 

The two or three of you still reading this ‘burnt weenie sandwich’ have no doubt attended more cultured and refined soirées, can only try to envision my abject horror when ‘Rodney’ the other stepbrother took his shot and slammed it like cheap Tequila wiping the excess off his chin with his sleeve.  One by one the ‘extra’s’ from old ‘Hee Haw’ episodes followed suit calling it “smoooooth.”  JJ and I looked at each other momentarily and began laughing!  It didn’t matter how many times we admonished them to sip it, the in-bred nature of Jimmy Hoffa disciples did what came natural.  Cush seemed overly fascinated with the pour spouts incased in the ice and kept draining our lovely gift until it was gone. Jeez!

Up until a few weeks ago, I had no idea what a vaporizer was outside of having a bad cold.  The wonder of modern science has crossed over to the dark side making accoutrement consumption more effective with little to zero harshness.  This mainline to the blood stream and its staggering effect was demonstrated by one of our own.  Not one plate, not two plates, not three plates, but four…count em…four plates of food with a big hunk of cake for desert nearly became a full fledged ‘munchies’ emergency.  However, being the grizzled veteran he is, managed NOT to shit himself and buck up but did temporarily list to one side.  Very disturbing.

All in all though the mix of ‘Goth’s, wanna be gangsta’s, and Teamsters infused with grandchildren, Aunt Myrna, and a few maroons made for an interesting afternoon.  The graduate collected a cool grand which surprisingly he put in the bank.  Not bad for the first act of a high school graduate.

Zuki

SOBRIETY IS A TOUGH TASK MASTER….zuki looks for humor

May 4

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Angry Bartenders, Art, bastards, Beer, Blues, curmudgeon, Death, Drunken sloppy, Fat, Health Issues, Hell, Hovel, Humpty Hump, Hunker Down, Karma, Left foot, Live Happily Everafter, Nipples, Oath, Pain, Party Animal, Penitent, Puke, Sackcloth & Ashes, Shriveled Liver, Sobriety, Taste Test, Torture, Urinal Cakes, Wasted Time | 6 Comments

Good Morning Children of Jocularity,

I had a restful evening for a change. Sobriety has convinced me I’ve been living in a “cotton box;” nets poised to drop. Drunken perceptions aside, sobriety also reveals ones level of inner strength. To quit smoking was a ‘walk in the park’ compared to being a drunk voluntarily walking away from the bar. Not only is the drug (#1 best friend) legal, it serves us well by delivering a few hours of self-medicated bliss.  Further, our government has provided places in which this legal separation from our senses is facilitated by bartenders and juke boxes!  It’s not just the drug that makes it tough, it’s the social interchange! Think about it, there’s always a ready audience for our respective ‘B’ sides found nowhere else! This of course adds to the degree of difficulty.   It would be far cheaper to buy a bottle as opposed to visiting a bar but in my search for ‘kindred spirits’ I rarely drink alone.  My propensity for like minded curmudgeon-ism offers little room for questioning my outrageous behavior so most times it’s tolerated or worse; emulated.  Self examination is oft times like my conversations with the bathroom mirror telling me I’m not fat. This daily affirmation makes it easy for the party to continue.  Self-exams require objectivity, and suspect it’s in short supply at most establishments.  So be careful with your sessions in the mirror; sobriety will viciously rip away the ‘beer goggles’ and gut you with the truth.

To put this in perspective, if not for my liver being highly distressed I’d still be pounding Vodka Tonics. You may think otherwise, but my reasoning for posting this epistle is actually pure.  I’m not going to admonish or preach to the two or three of you reading this silent fart, rather I want to explain just how difficult it is to walk away from not only the drug but the environment as well.  Whatever reasoning that descends causing you to turn your back on the demon alcohol, you must be prepared to deal with these two individual forces that will entice and weaken your resolve. Since most of my recreational time is divided between the bar, studio, and/or golf course; all self-indulgent behavior, makes me uniquely qualified to comment.  While people differ widely in how alcohol affects their interaction with others, the common denominator is the need for social interplay. You can deny this all you want, but the need to be stomached (in my case) is equal to if not stronger than the need to self-medicate.

The pleasure we derive at being surrounded by others of like-mind particularly at a bar is largely founded on the consumption of adult beverages. We go there to drink. Over the last decade, I’ve enjoyed myself as either the source or recipient of anecdotal stories or jokes I thought amusing. The buzz derived from drinking seems to link everyone to a wavelength that enhances the experience.  To get a good sense of what I’m saying,  I challenge you to visit your favorite establishment stone-cold sober and join in on a conversation with your peers who’ve obviously had a head start and see how zany you think they are.

I enjoy laughing. Laughter is fundamental to most of us and proven to be integral to our mental and physical well being. Without consuming the magic elixir a good joke brings a dis-connect takes place and many of those things I perceived as humorous are now mildly amusing at best!  It’s not that these things aren’t still considered farcical, it’s just that I’m no longer plugged into the shared wavelength that so easily induced a guffaw. I’ve had people comment at my adopted drinking establishment, that they liked me a whole lot better when I drank. I’m sure these independent observations are true, and sometimes I fear I may never laugh again but cling to the hope it’ll get better!

I believe there’s a transition period one must suffer through that eventually allows the B-side of our personalities to come through without the lubricant of elixir.  A cherished friend of mine observed, “zuki you’ve not yet celebrated your sobriety because you’re still grieving the loss.”   Can I have an AMEN?

zuki

“WHAT A WORLD…WHAT A WORLD”….zuki chooses sobriety

Apr 30

Posted by Marzuki in Angry Bartenders, bastards, Beer, Blues, brain dead, Cancer, Death, Get on the Bus, Humpty Hump, Hunker Down, Rotting Tree, Sackcloth & Ashes, Shriveled Liver, Sobriety, Taste Test, Torture | 13 Comments

Good Morning Aphotic Dwellers,

Evidently even as pathetic as my part in life’s rich pageant is, I’ve chosen to add to this hell voluntarily.  It’s funny how things manifest themselves.  I had a wonderful week filled with professional and personal highs, dated a beautiful woman, witnessed the genius of Joe Bonamassa, and drank myself to oblivion each night! WOW F-ING WEE!  With the exception of hitting Powerball, it couldn’t possibly get any better could it?  That said, In my sixty plus rotations I’ve learned mostly the hard way that the other shoe will always drop snuffing out whatever joy and happiness I’ve managed to snag.  It’s probably my left shoe. 

There’s a local TV station here in Denver that has organized and sponsors a “Health Fair” every April the past 15 years or so.  They offer all manner of testing and consulting for very reasonable fees and use medical volunteers to draw blood etc…  I’ve not felt up to par of late, and decided to take advantage of the health fair and went in for a blood work up to see if there was anything that needed attention.  I suspected as much and the diagnostics served up the brutal truth.  My liver looks like the one they removed from David Crosby (Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young fame).  The good news is my PSA levels were lovely with no sign of prostate cancer.  The doctor indicated out of the 35 tests run, 4 of them came back with bad news all pointing to my liver as being seriously distressed.  Shit.

PLATELET COUNT IS LOW 115 – normal is 140-400 thous/mcl – not much can be done about this other than to fix what ails you.  If one has an unhealthy heart, kidney, or liver the count will be low.  Medical professionals use this as an indicator of the overall health of a patient.

GGT TEST:  153.  Normal range is 3 – 70 U/L  This test is to look for Cirrhosis, Hepatitis, and other liver diseases.  If you do the math my count is more than double the high side of the normal range!  Gad Zooks!

AST (SGOT):  60.  Normal range is 10 – 35 U/L  This test specifically targets the liver indicating damage.  Again my count nearly doubles the high side of normal.

TRIGLYCERIDES:  272  Normal is 150 MG/DL  They represent the level of fat in the blood and continued high levels often lead to diabetes.  However, in nearly all cases with high levels of Triglycerides heavy drinking is involved.

I had announced and actually stopped drinking in 2005.  It was far more difficult than when I quit smoking!  Not only do you fight the addiction to alcohol, what I missed most was the social interchange and gamesmanship at the bar.  So I convinced myself I would walk into the bar and order a diet coke or ‘near’ beer but instead discovered being sober around a bunch of drunk’s sucks!  Most times they think they’re funny, honestly they really do, and suppose I was no different… no..no..that’s not true, I really was funny!  Anyway I suspect drinking large amounts of Diet Coke would be just as bad for you so my trips to the bar became infrequent.  But when I retested 5 months later all counts were back to the normal range.  The doctor told me if I had to drink stick with red wine.  I adhered to his advice for a time but eventually went back to Vodka drinking mostly doubles and triples.

So once again I’m engaged in the painful act of sobriety.  Going on day 4 I expect it will go a bit smoother than seven years ago given my art studio, but know for a fact I’ll become irritable and snippy.  I’m apologizing in advance.

Happy Trails,

zuki

LETTUCE, CARROTS, and APPLES OH MY!…..zuki goes cardio

Apr 16

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Angry Bartenders, Birthday, Blues, Cellulite, Chubby Dancing, Colonoscopy, curmudgeon, Dwarfs, Easter, Fat, Fecal Bliss, FOOD, Free Samples, Health Issues, Humpty Hump, Live Happily Everafter, Ogle, Old People, Pain, Peeping Tom, Rectal Eclispe, sandwich, stalking, Torture, Virgins, zealots | 10 Comments

Good Morning Juggernauts,

As we continue to circle this rock aging and quickly deteriorating, medical science tells us it becomes more important to exercise and maintain good height to weight ratios than when we were younger. Dah! Of course there are literally thousands of diet plans, routines, and methodologies published to assist us in accomplishing this important part of being a healthy curmudgeon. As a public service to men mostly, and particularly the two or three of you reading this poppycock, I’d like to share zuki’s exercise plan for cardiovascular maintenance. I suspect women could also share, but I have no proof.

If you’re like me, the exercise part of any program becomes tedious and boring. This of course makes the regimen more difficult to sustain.  I’ve tried reading or watching TV while on the stationary bike, but always succumb to motion sickness. This tends to shorten my workout thus negating any benefit gained. I’ve walked/jogged on a regular basis, but also found it to be monotonous beyond my ability to cope; again suspending my workout. It was apparent I was doomed to live insalubriously the rest of my days. I mentally prepared to fight any malady that descended on me one by one and let fate take its course, when one of our own sent me an article regarding a new study.

I’ve been reborn! I just finished a two hour workout. I feel refreshed and highly energized from this new found cardio program. If you’re a member of a gym this program may be easier facilitated than having to find the proper workout location. This said, with a little effort and research each of you can personalize a program. A new five year study of 200 men carried out by Dr. Karen Weatherby determined staring at women’s breasts is good for men’s health and makes them live longer. I understand reading my stories seem like fiction, but I can actually prove the veracity of this posting! Dr. Weatherby further states, “Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.” The results of her study were published in The New England Journal of Medicine and makes fascinating reading.  Of course the good doctor’s study does not account for the ‘No Mas’ syndrome or homosexuality but perhaps there’s an exchange program.

Ogling comes naturally for most men (sorry JJ), particularly curmudgeons. It didn’t take long to find an inexpensive place one could engage in ogling without being arrested. I’ve been going to the grocery store, in the produce section in particular, lingering by the melons the last few weeks.  It provides great cover for this healthy activity. There are opportunities at your favorite bar, but given the subject’s stationary position, continued ogling may result in a slap to the face or even expulsion making a bar inconsistent. Once again the grocery store offers a venue with an assortment of women wearing shorts and halter-tops or other revealing clothes that accentuate the mammary glands. Plenty of vantage points offer sustained viewing and at least a half dozen “walk bys” without arousing suspicion. For starters I highly recommend your local Food King!

The study indicates that 10 minutes of ogling is equal to a 30-minute aerobic workout. This new discovery has given ole zuki a new lease on life and actually makes working out something I look forward to. So if you’ll excuse me, I must dash off to the store for some coffee and get my cardio.

zuki