Good Morning Worshipers of Shamash,
“Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.” Kurt Vonnegut
I was working on my second cup of coffee staring out my window admiring the great beauty springtime in the Rockies affords. Those of us lucky enough to reside here generally must wait six weeks later than most Americans for spring to arrive, but when it does it’s like no other place. The wildflowers, crab apple trees, and the splendor of leafing cottonwoods explode over the landscape with vibrant color injecting tranquility directly to the brain.
More importantly though, the women are wearing fewer outer garments revealing God’s handy work at every crossed leg or picking up of pencils. Yes, the sap has begun to flow (and I’m not referring to Cush) coursing its way through every leaf, limb, and bud. I’m not talking shrubbery here! Everyone is affected by spring’s reawakening! We tend to linger a few moments longer on the steps before going to work, allowing the sun to thaw months of glacial bleakness and melting the permafrost collected in our souls. We don’t realize just how much the harsh cold winds permeate our character effectively altering our personal interchanges. Only now when we’re filled with the warmth a gentle breeze sends our way do we recognize its power over us.
It’s no wonder many ancient civilizations worshiped the sun. Most kings were tied to the sun, even claiming they were descended from it. “The imagery of the sun as the ruler of both the upper and lower worlds, which he visits daily, was prominent. Sun heroes and deities also figure in many mythologies, including Indo-Iranian, Greco-Roman, and Scandinavian. In late Roman history, sun worship was of such importance that it was later called solar monotheism.”
This makes perfect sense to me now! From the bus stop, I’m able to observe the many co-eds attending Community College who have obviously been coerced by the sun to remove their clothes, oil their bodies, and lay on their backs absorbing the life-giving rays the sun so generously provides. I think it’s safe to say that in the Pantheon of everything we deem important the sun ranks right up there with ‘Hanna Montana!’
With this blessing as is the case with many of our natural gifts comes to us as a double-edged sword. While the two or three of you still reading this bag of dead mice would agree this slight tilt toward the sun brings many pleasantries it also stymies reasonable thought. For every perfectly filled tube top, there is someone who thinks they look good in spandex! For every beautifully toned leg or breast, there’s an ass escaping its constraint. For every string bikini barely covering perfectly proportioned nipples, there is someone wearing a speedo or showing enough skin to create a glare harsh enough to cause air traffic to be diverted!
While I don’t mean to put a damper on our collective may-pole, but somehow laws need to be passed regulating how much skin an individual is allowed to show. Being the community-minded citizens we are this issue was taken up in an emergency meeting of the ‘rules committee’ and unbelievably came up with a realistic plan submitted for review by City Council.
In Brief, the memo says it could be easily enforced with minimal height to weight ratios and be under the jurisdiction of the city code compliance team. The first offense results in only a warning. A second indiscretion garners a fine. The third such sin against humanity would result in being incarcerated. Calorie intake would be controlled and the criminal would be forced to exercise until a 25% loss of weight and body mass were achieved incentivizing the prisoner to expedite the process. The idea, of course, is to get the ball rolling and motivate the offender to finish the job once released and minimize recidivism.
This humble plan would go a long way in making our collective springtime activities much more enjoyable without the ever-present danger of being subjected to a glaring ‘Shamu’ moment leaving one scarred for life!