PETA JOINS BEN & JERRY’S ENTERPRIZE……zuki seeks the cream

Good Morning Lactose Intolerant,

Well, it seems (from a reasonably reliable source) PETA is at it again. In addition to announcing “Sea Kittens” an incensed PETA is going after the dairy industry. This time they’re upset over the ongoing exploitation of cows by forcibly extracting their creamy milk twice daily, and have mounted a campaign to discontinue this inhumane practice.

As usual, PETA is lost as to how this could be done without affecting real people of their livelihood so details are a bit vague as to implementation. Not surprisingly, the two or three of you still reading this logomachy found a willing business partner to test drive this concept in limited markets.

Yes you may have already guessed it; Ben & Jerry’s have stepped up to the plate. Ben & Jerry’s have issued a press release announcing their new test facility and production line. In fact, they’ve modified their mission statement to better incorporate this revolutionary new idea. In part it reads:

Product Mission:

To make, distribute & sell the finest quality all natural ice cream & euphoric concoctions with a continued commitment to incorporating wholesome ingredients as natural as mother’s milk, and to promote business practices that respect the Earth and the Environment.

PETA has signed off on this and is putting all its clout behind the effort to save our dear bovine friends from further humiliation. A brand new flavor has been announced. “Mammary Mud” a deep rich chocolate ice cream combined with shaved almonds is sold only in the San Francisco and Boston markets. Human breast milk has been substituted for our dear Guernsey’s best efforts.

This hook has attracted a wide variety of samplers and doing well according to Ben. The scale of such a project conjures up images that are quite frankly disturbing. Given Joe’s newfound status with PETA I asked Joe to arrange for a tour of their facility to see for ourselves how this ambitious withdrawal is executed.

Finally arriving at their South Burlington, VT location Jerry forced us to sign a non-giggling agreement and were searched for cameras and/or cell phones. Upon entering the ‘Extraction Room’ I was not prepared for the sea of tits that quite literally overwhelmed my senses.

In a long rectangular building, I estimate to be some 400’ X 100’ contained 300 women of all shapes and sizes seated in straight rows with each woman facing the back of another woman sitting in what looked to be comfortable padded chairs. Dress was casual and both Ben and Jerry encouraged all to wear sensible clothes.

It wasn’t titillating as one might expect considering we were in a room with 600 engorged breasts. The women would be reading books or magazines; some would be in iPod bliss while others just stared off tuning the whole experience out. Each nipple had a suction clamp attached similar to how the dairy farmer hooks up their cows twice daily. However, the clamps were specially designed to be comfortable and even pleasant to a great many.

The clear Mylar tubes led from each breast emptying the sweet nectar into a larger tube like feeder streams to a large river. You could hear the piston-like action of the pneumatic pump chugging out a steady beat which oddly set the pace for all support staff as they walked by checking valves and fixing faulty suction devices.

The larger central tube carried the sustenance to a 1,500-gallon vat that is slowly stirred without stopping. Natural emulsifiers and unrefined sugar are blended in with other secret ingredients not available to this reporter. It was cooled and loaded on a milk truck as a liquid with the consistency of pancake syrup and shipped to the main production facility.

The women and two men donating fluids worked in shifts. They’d be milked for 30 minutes then give up the chair to their relief. Most could be milked three times per day with some women getting a fourth shift in and paid $60.00 per. There’s actually a waiting list to be put into the rotation.

There’s a dark side to all of this because after all, it is a business. If a woman is unable to average 10oz per shift for three days in a row she is removed from the line.

Strangely for all the accolades heaped upon Ben and Jerry for being kind and benevolent to their employees, I was appalled by their insensitive and downright callous treatment of “The Line.” To further distress these women a sign is posted over the entry that reads, “Give it up or go home” leaving no doubt as to why they were there.

These human beings are desperate! Hidden from the media, I discovered that several of our good donators are facing criminal charges for child neglect as their infants are malnourished for the lack of milk. This, of course, creates painful guilt which in turn shuts off the faucet. No unemployment is available as each is signed as an independent contractor. SOL

This sweatshop has been created by PETA’s insistence to not burden milking cows for their gift but is JUST FINE with enslaving lactating women and killing innocent infants so Ben & Jerry can rake in millions from this enviro-friendly enterprise! Do you find anything wrong with this?

It was time to go but couldn’t find Joe anywhere. I began checking the ancillary rooms until I came upon a cramped break room. Somehow Joe had scrounged a white overcoat and what appeared to be bungee cords fashioned to look like a stethoscope. He had managed to convince a half dozen of these abused givers that he was a doctor and there to check for abnormalities but was attempting to grope them instead! Despite his cry to the contrary to this observer, he was abusing his authority!

Have you tried ‘Mammary Mud’ yet? Ummmmmmm