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Archive for category Health Issues

THE EQUINOX REMOVES CLOTHES….zuki does community service

Mar 30

Posted by Marzuki in Can't fix Stupid, Cellulite, Chubby Dancing, Fat, Foie Gras, Handicaped people, Health Issues, Nipples, Offensive, Old People, Pigs, Rectal Eclispe, Spandex, Torture, Virgins, Whores | 7 Comments

Hello Lovers of the Equinox,

As we approach the weekend and slide into April it occurred to me that something was missing.  Initially I couldn’t put my finger on it but definitely something vital and important was late.  As spring replaces winter and temperatures rise there’s a check list of activities and ‘to do’(s) that tend to govern my awakening from hibernation.  Locating my shorts, ankle socks, Hawaiian shirts, sun block, and new grips for my golf clubs become a litmus test for how prepared I am for this transition.  I’ve not yet surrendered my coat to the closet yet, as any long time resident of the Rockies will tell you there’s one more big storm headed our way!  I can always tell a ‘newby’ living amongst us mountain folk as they’ll be the ones caught in a spring snow storm in shorts and T-shirt desperately clearing their windshields with sticks or cardboard box flaps. 

Dropping off my summer shirts at the cleaners was the last task on my check list but as I jumped in my car to seek solace at Blondies, I still couldn’t help but feel there was more to do. I walked into Blondies and found a seat at ‘Curmudgeon Corner.’  Over the din and glass clinging I was overjoyed to see Phat Ass Patty get shut down causing ‘Dumbo’ to leave in humiliation…There is a God!  But even this small victory wasn’t enough to ease the gnawing sense of accomplishment unfulfilled.  I was joined by a few more curmudgeons but before I could “fart in their general direction” we were treated to something very rare at Blondies; an unattached beautiful woman taking a seat next to the “Rules Committee.”  She was dressed in a very short skirt with a sleeveless top that exposed her ample cleavage.   As I continued to scan this gorgeous creature I followed the delicate curvature of her tanned legs garnished with anklet pumps that made me long for that ‘fur burger with a side of thighs.’ 

Then it hit me.  I now realized what was missing!

This is the time of year that women in general begin to shed their winter wardrobes revealing lots of skin.  Some women should show as much skin as they feel comfortable with while others (and you know who you are) should make an effort to corral and contain their skin before someone gets hurt.  But unfortunately many women of this ‘elk’ who should be covered with a tent see themselves as alluring and will squeeze themselves into ‘Spandex’ outfits that cling to every wart and cottage cheese cellulite bulge.  Many can be seen waddling into Macy’s cosmetic counters for a ‘make over’ to complete their self perceived metamorphosis.  To complete my spring check list I take it upon myself to insult and shame the more egregious offenders and point out how unattractive ‘Spandex’ makes them look.  Then it’s important to sell them on the idea of a Moo-Moo!  Only then will my work be done. 

C’mon you old farts I know you agree with me.  If you’re able to reduce the number of self-deceived beasts and get them to cover up, means much more pleasant gawking and less revolting revelations.  Now get out there and hit them between the eyes….you’ll feel the pride of service to your fellow man!  I’m just sayin…

Thank You,

zuki

WALMART LOOMS LARGE….zuki proposes new ‘study’

Mar 29

Posted by Marzuki in Acceptance, Art, Beer, Blathering, brain dead, Cremation, Dwarfs, Free Samples, Health Issues, Live Happily Everafter, Occupy This, Old People, Ordained, Rotting Tree, Thanksgiving, Urns, Walmart, Wasted Time | 4 Comments

Good Morning Ancient Ones,

“There’s a disturbance in the universe” and fear what if anything can be done about it.  What’s left of my tour of duty needs to be spent exploring the creative level of Maslow’s pyramid, but perhaps that ship has sailed.  Never-the-less one must put themselves in a position of existence without fear of failure and often times that takes money. 

I have been working on and have assembled a proto-type of a cremation urn done in the “Marzuki’s House of Bricks” style.  I was encouraged by a website that featured an Italian Interior Design company that produces the urns as ‘art’ selling one of a kind work to upscale relatives of dead people for around $2,500 per.  While there’s no guarantee that urns made of ceramic bricks with glazed images of the dear departed featured prominently will sell, but I intend to find out. Every time I walk into a Walmart I’m depressed at the numbers of ‘old’ people that toil there and remind myself I’m two paychecks away from being a ‘greeter.’

I wonder at what point that a 70 year old dude working in Walmart realized his fate.  I would suggest to the two or three of you reading this eudemonic flem that at that exact moment in time he experienced a deep and dark depression never felt before.  I’m also sure suicide loomed large as an option.  Having said that though there must be other reasons that the elderly chooses to work because there’s a 73 year old woman that works at my company who five years ago was left a small fortune by her late husband but would rather work than be ‘retired.’ I think we’ve all heard those stories about people dying within days after retiring or losing a spouse.  What is it about working that when one stops they lose the will to live?  I for one would like to personally test this but will need a research sponsor.  I’m willing to suffer the consequences once I stop working and drop out of the corporate grind and will happily accept my destiny.  I’ll be accepting section 501 (c)(3) tax deductible donations, so make sure to get your check to me before April 15th.

If I manage to survive for 12 months then I can resume my art without fear of dying from acute depression.  I think it’s a worthwhile study don’t you?

zuki

VINNY FALLS TO HIS KNEES IN RED LIGHT DISTRICT….zuki’s warning goes unheeded

Mar 27

Posted by Marzuki in Amsterdam, Art, Ball of Lint, bastards, Beer, Brothel, Can't fix Stupid, Colonoscopy, Fine Dining, Free Samples, gossip girl, Health Issues, Karma, Lie to Me, Mommy, Packed & Pressed, passion, Peeping Tom, Pigs, Rectal Eclispe, ripped off, sperm, stalking, Thankful, Vinny, Virgins, Whores | 12 Comments

Good Morning Victims of Catechize,

As promised Vincent couldn’t wait to see the famed red light district and immediately got into trouble.  Enjoy:

Mike you wouldn’t believe what happened last night.  We’d finished up a company dinner around 7:00 PM so everyone was free to explore and then meet up in the morning.  I won’t mention the two others that accompanied me but you know them well.  It’s my first time here and really lobbied hard to walk through the famed red light district and go anywhere they wanted to go afterward.  The area of the city was only six blocks from the hotel so it didn’t take long before we were walking along a 6 square block section divided into hundreds of bay windows with the prostitutes sitting in the window like a manikin.  Tell you the truth most of them were looking mostly bored.  When a guy walks up to the window the girl would close the curtain and then unlock a side door where the patron and whore would close the deal.  I wanted to get a picture of us close to a window.  I know you warned me about being open with a camera, but I didn’t realize how seriously they take it over here.  I’d just taken my third shot when two rather large fellows grabbed the camera out of my hands!  They explained in perfect English that cameras are not allowed and they’d be keeping it!  You know me I whined and cried begging them to simply delete the shots and I’d go quietly.  They turned and walked away while I was still crying so one of them turned around and smugly said, “You don’t like it, call the police.”  I chose not to.  Lesson learned.

PHAT ASS PATTY SLIMED IN….zuki has little time left

Mar 21

Posted by Marzuki in Beer, Blood Sucking, brain dead, Can't fix Stupid, Chubby Dancing, curmudgeon, Drunken sloppy, Fat, Health Issues, Mr. Hankey, Offensive, PETA, Pigs, Prep H, Rectal Eclispe, Stupid, Suicide Pact | 3 Comments

Good Morning Lovers of Life’s Rich Pageant,

It’s finally sinking in that my days on this rock are numbered and could jump off any day now.  The chickens of my youth have indeed come home to roost.  When you combine that with my non-existent exercise program, being fat, and having an all around bad attitude toward my own future has become a lethal combination!  Further signs of numbered days waddled into Blondie’s last week, and have made several appearances with her good friend ‘Touched.’ These two examples of God’s willingness to tolerate the ugly, justifies my agnostic mind set.  Yes I’m sure you’ve already guessed by now, Phat Ass Patty sees my home bar as fertile ground!

For the two or three of you actually reading this conniption that haven’t had the loathsome experience of meeting this human sap sucker let me provide a bit of background.  She plodded into Dewey’s (our former home of seven years) and immediately began to hang around the peripherals of the former ‘rules committee’ and I immediately took a disliking to her.  Anyone so desperate for companionship they feel compelled to force themselves on you is undeserving of air.  Then she upped the ante by sitting at the bar in chairs normally reserved for our trivia players displacing me and others.  Forced to sit at a table behind the bar one couldn’t help notice that Phat Ass Patty’s ass literally sagged over both edges of a fairly large chair. Her moniker seemed obvious to me and “Phat Ass Patty” stuck.  Eventually she was shunned and browbeaten away from having direct contact with the ‘rules committee’ and life was good.

Her absence was short lived though, she reappeared and hung out on the smoking patio where she’d target men and get them to buy her drinks.  She’s so fucking hideous she’d strike out a half dozen times before she’d close the deal.  Typically there’s never a shortage of men hanging out at a bar so it fit her shameless system.  However, when things got tough and finding new prospects became difficult, she then threw herself at both men and women with a pathetic story of suicide and how her miserable life left her nothing to live for!  After a week of watching this act I felt it necessary to confront her.  So with the entire bar watching I told her to “pull the trigger!”  “Quit talking about it and do us all a favor and jump in front of a bus!” I screamed.  The tirade was brief but to the point so being highly embarrassed she sluggardly shuffled out the door.  There were a few patrons that were not familiar with Phat Ass’s tactics and thought I was an asshole, but the majority gave me a standing ovation and even bought me drinks!

Sadly there doesn’t seem to be any limit to her mooching; now older and Phatter she’s offering blow jobs for beer.  All I can do is hope this sad excuse for a woman will eventually run out of prospects and take her greasy Phat Ass to another bar.

I’ll keep you posted.

zuki

LEAP YEAR RAISES IT’S UGLY HEAD….zuki has a car towed

Feb 26

Posted by Marzuki in Always Anonymous, Drunken sloppy, Dv'ant, Get on the Bus, Health Issues, Heaven, Hell, Humpty Hump, Lie to Me, Live Happily Everafter, Meltdown, Mr. Hankey, Nipples, Peeping Tom, Poo, Preminition, Rectal Eclispe, Rumors, Sackcloth & Ashes, Stupid, Torture, Urinal Cakes, Wasted Time | 10 Comments

Good Morning Adamantine Weasels, 

As the final weekend in February has come and gone, I think it important to remember there’s an extra day this month.  Normally I wouldn’t give it a thought, but lately and I tend to do this during periods of illness, I calculate or estimate is a better word, how much time I’ve squandered in my lifetime.  For example, since my divorce some 13 rotations ago I figure I’ve averaged 3 hours per day 360 days per rotation, or 1,080 hours the equivalent of (45) 24 hour days per rotation equaling 585 such days for all rotations in total.  Staggeringly this works out to 1.6 years of sitting on a bar stool drinking heavily.  I suppose one could easily come up with an average dollar amount spent per day and throw salt on the wound, but damn it things are tough enough!

But before you sharpen your lampoons let’s keep in mind many good things happen while ‘holding court’ at the neighborhood bar.  That’s right, not every single hour is wasted, and certainly a small percentage can be claimed either for humanitarian gestures, building a relationship, or even hatching ideas of potential.  On several occasions while lost in a drunken stupor solutions or improvements to complex issues at work and/or my personal life such as it is were manifested. One must agree this is not time wasted!

If I dwell on this slothfulness it makes me physically ill.  Then I make vows to schedule life’s rich pageant in such a way as to be more productive and utilize what’s left in my hourglass in a constructive manner.  On paper it looks reasonable even executable, but to put this into action is another story all together! Once again I find myself at this familiar crossroad looking for backbone.  I’ve already postponed implementation two weeks in a row now, and very much conflicted about it.  Renting studio space was supposed to lessen my time on a bar stool, but in fact, I’ve managed to work both the studio and the bar in without missing a day.  However, whenever my studio time is productive the guilt is alleviated, at least long enough to sleep. This mind set reminded me of an old joke Poo told me years ago. 

“There was an old man that rode a bus for years rarely missing a day.  This man would sit with his nose in a worn ‘Bible’ carefully pouring over it’s pages intently with real purpose.  This went on for years until finally it piqued the curiosity of a young man who with some trepidation approached the old man and asked, “Excuse me sir, I realize you must be a very spiritual man, but I need to ask; what is it you are looking for?  The old man looked up staring over his glasses and casually said, “Loopholes.”  

I suppose everyone contemplates this from time to time, but most are able to put it in perspective.  How many working hours are productive? Travel time?  Watching TV? All these activities drain the sand, but in fact they also keep us well rounded and able to deal with our misadventures without a meltdown.  If we had to account for every waking minute, I fully believe we’d see three-times the number of people that go ‘postal’ taking out innocent bystanders before eating a bullet.  So the next time you feel guilty from selfish activities like drinking, eating, doodling, or simply doing “The Couch Potato” think about the number of lives you’ve saved!

zuki